Too Blessed To Be Stressed

New Blog...go here...

2010-06-03T23:05:00.002-05:00

http://www.blessedandreblessed.blogspot.com/

Just in case you've been waiting for me here, I'm not here anymore...I'm there! :)

Blog coming down....

2010-05-13T21:47:00.000-05:00

Okay...I figured out what I'm going to do. I have changed my blog address completely. I have saved this blog as a book, so I could probably email it to you if you ever had a need to have it or would like to share it with someone who may need the encouragment.

So, the new blog will be open to the public, again and I hope you will all keep reading...and commenting. I love comments! (That's for all you lurkers!!)

Here is the new blog address...it's still in the works, so bear with me.

http://blessedandreblessed.wordpress.com/

Blessings! I'm off to rock this to sleep:

I'm still here!!!

2010-05-13T14:13:00.006-05:00

Wow...it's been awhile! I've missed you all! So much has happened, but I am pretty sure you don't have 6 weeks to sit here and read my blog!

Life at our house has been full, to say the least. Everything is good...SO good. I have just been swamped with good things! We had our homeschool convention a couple of weeks ago and that ate up any extra time I had. It was a huge success though. This year was our first year to do TWO conventions in a row. The first was in Tulsa and then our annual convention here in OKC. Our trustee board felt God calling us to Tulsa. Doors opened and we prayed for 500 people...that's what we needed to cover our costs. We thought 700 people would be a HUGE answer to prayer. Well, we walked away from that 2 day conference with 1600+ people! Can I get a "Praise God"??? It was fabulous. Then in OKC, we had 3300+ people. We were praying that our numbers wouldn't be affected by the conference in Tulsa and they really weren't! We were only down by 200 people from the previous year. God is so good...in EVERYTHING! Oh...and my convention highlight? I got to meet my bloggy friend, Sara, who is now my "in real life" friend! I just love the way God brings people into our lives! It was SO good talking with Sara. Even though it was the first time we had actually SEEN each other, it was like we had always known each other. How cool is that??

So, I have spent the last two weeks trying to get everything and everyone back into a normal routine. Not sure it's going to happen! :)

So...are you wondering how Emma Claire is doing??? Well, what do you think??

She is such a joy. As you remember, I spent the first five days with her at the hospital. Now, I don't really buy into all of the "bonding at birth" stuff...some of it, yes, but I also believe you can bond outside of a hospital, at different points in life. That being said, Emma heard my voice almost every day for 9+ weeks before birth and then we spent 5 days together at the hospital. If I heard someone tell me what I am getting ready to write, I would probably roll my eyes...on the inside of course because I try not to be rude out loud! Emma came back to us after 7 1/2 months. From the time the worker handed her to me, it's like she knew I was her momma. She attached immediately. I know...it sounds crazy. But I know what attachement looks like. I know what the inability to attach looks like. Emma knew and I believe with all my heart that God protected the relationship and bond that He allowed us to create way back in the beginning. It's the only explanation there is.

Emma is 9 months old now. She started crawling this week, although she still cannot roll over front to back or back to front. Weird. She just started eating baby food and loves it. She gets really irritated when I am giving "X" fruit snacks or any other food that she cannot eat.

Speaking of "X"...we are praying that all works out and we will be able to adopt him by the end of the year. Right now, everything is looking like that will be possible. This will be a private adoption with details that are, well, just too much to share. What I can share is that the way we found out about him and all of the details were clearly from God. If Emma had come home with us when WE thought she should have, we would never have considered "X".

"X" and Emma are 8 months apart...the same age distance as Josiah and Jacob. I think that's pretty cool. They are SO cute together. I am posting some pics of him on here, but only because it's a private blog.

And speaking of that...I don't like being private. So, I think what I am going to do is start a different blog. It will have a different name, look, etc. I am hoping to write about many different topics. I will let you know when it's ready to go. You won't have to sign in or any of that junk, either. I had a life before Jacob died. We had other issues that when shared, I am hoping will be helpful to you and others. Did you know that Josiah is RAD? Did you know that Bryce was a severe asthmatic for four years and then he was healed? Would you like to know about our experiences in foster care and what the needs are in that arena? Did you know that I am an organizational freak?? And that I have done workshops on just this thing? Did you know that I like to cook for 3 months at a time?? Did you know that I'm a MOPS mentor??

I have so many ideas and experiences running around in this brain of mine that are just now ready to come back to the surface. Grief is going to have to take a back seat!!!

Chat with you soon! Enjoy the pics!

Not private just yet...

2010-03-31T20:52:00.003-05:00

Okay...I DID go private for a few days, but realized when I was trying to add all of you who wanted to keep following me, that if I didn't have your email address, then I couldn't add you. There are some of you who do not have a blogger profile, and therefore your email is not connected to your comments. I CAN'T FIND YOU!!!

So, although I have SO much to share with you, I am going to wait a little while longer. If you are a lurker and emailed me, or not a lurker and emailed me, would you please leave a comment with your email address? Or you can email it to me at tracyphillips93@gmail.com . I won't stalk you...well, maybe....but probably not.

If you are a friend of mine on facebook, don't worry...I will be linking you to my site. And I promise none of you who want to follow me were the problem! (You guys are so funny!) The troublemakers wouldn't dare ask to follow me!

Alright...hurry up...I'm anxious to post!!! OH! And if you already received a notice that I added you, disregard this...you don't have to do anything else!

Going private....

2010-03-23T16:15:00.004-05:00

UGH! I so did NOT want to do this. But, at least for a little while, I must. There is some slandering going on that could cause (and has) major problems for us and while I know who it is, I can't stop it with a public blog. At least until Emma is final, and then hopefully I can come back.

I don't want to shut anybody out...well, other than about 2-4 people, but I feel like God has used this blog to minister to others and I have met SO many great friends through this blog. Sigh.

So, please send me an email at tracyphillips93@gmail.com or comment on this post if you would like to still read my blogs. I hope you will hang on as I have learned so much from you all! Even if you are a lurker...email me and nobody will have to know! LOL!

I'll leave this for a couple of days and then I'll have to disappear! I feel like I need to go into the witness protection program. What's really sad is that some of the people involved were friends. Guess I didn't choose my friends wisely enough!

Hello Friends!! I'm Home!!

2010-03-21T18:47:00.003-05:00

Emma Claire made her SECOND appearance (haha) on Thursday, March 18th, at 4:35pm. She is such a good baby. She sleeps all night, eats well, and smiles 95% of the time. She weighs 13 1/2 lbs...she's little. And adorable. And perfect!

Samara came over to me this morning and as she was smiling at Emma, she said, "Mommy, isn't Emma the perfect baby you've always wanted?" I told her that Emma was the exact baby God wanted to give to us. She agreed.

So, as far as adoption specifics, think of this like a private adoption where there is a 6 month waiting period for finalization. That's what we are doing. When DHS places a baby in an adoptive home (that was not their previous foster home) there is a 6 month waiting period. Basically, DHS is giving you a period of adjustment so that there is not an adoption disruption. Not gonna happen in this case, but sometimes problems become apparent in those 6 months when you have older children placed with you. The other difference is that a DHS worker will come to visit Emma once a month. Not a big deal to me. She is here. That's all that matters, right?

God is a good God. Always. In all things. Every time. Just sayin...

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8

TWO...MORE...SLEEPS!!

2010-03-16T19:38:00.002-05:00

March 15, 2009, God said this to me:

"God is not a man that He should lie. He is not a human, that He should change His mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has He ever promised and not carried it through?" Numbers 23:19

It's March 16, 2010 and in TWO MORE SLEEPS, I will see a promise fulfilled with my very own eyes! And so will you!

I spoke with the worker yesterday and she said Emma will be here sometime Thursday evening. (March 18) This is just three weeks after we went to court, six weeks since we recieved the phone call from Raychel.

When the Phillips get a baby...you know...the DHS way...the very first thing we do is give them a bath! (Actually, that was one of the first things I did with my bios, too! I need them to have our scent I guess!) I cannot wait to get my hands on that baby fro that Emma has on her head! And smother her with pink baby lotion! And rock her while she sucks her thumb!! OH MY GOODNESS!!

I cannot begin to tell you how easy this has been. I have NEVER had DHS go this smoothly. I don't know why I am surprised...God told me to sit back and let Him do this. And can I just tell you how much better it is this way???

I haven't shared this with you until now, but I believe it is just another sign that God has been in this entire story. (Not that there is any doubt...but...) Back in August when we pretty much gave up on Emma coming home with us, ever, I remember a still small voice saying "March". That was all. There wasn't anything else like, "Hey sister, I'm gonna give you your baby back in March, so hang in there." Or "Hey chica, I'm going to take care of your financial worries in March, so just be still." (Patrick got a raise and a bonus in a time when many are losing their jobs or taking pay cuts.) I have remembered that, and have had a peace about it all since August. Now, I'm not saying I never got anxious or frustrated, but in my spirit, I knew we would have answers in March. Isn't God good?

On the morning of court, I was pretty nervous. DHS court has always made me nervous, but this time was different. I had my phone playing my Pandora station and a song by Crystal Lewis came on that I had not heard before. I can't tell you how many times God has spoken to me through music...it's as if He is speaking to me face to face sometimes!

Trust Me

Close your eyes
Take a step
It's okay
I know where we're going

Don't fret
I've been before
through these valleys
down these long and dangerous roads
yet dark as they seem

Trust me
though you can't see
you can trust me
the way may be steep
you can trust me
let me lead....trust me

Open your eyes
but don't let go of my hand
let your tears give way to smiles
see the joy inside the trial

Don't worry, you're safe with me around
rest assured I'm on your side
I won't let you hit the ground
but close as it seems...

It's true that what's in front of you
isn't always clear
but you must believe it in your heart
that I'm here...I'm here.

Next post...Emma Claire...for keeps!

You won't have to lift a finger!

2010-03-11T22:21:00.003-06:00

I just can't stop thinking about this verse and how good God is. He always does what He says He will do. ALWAYS!

Some things have changed since my last post. And I have yet to lift a finger. God is moving DHS like I have never seen them move before. As a matter of fact, this has been so easy that there is NO denying that God is all over Emma coming to us.

Our homestudy was turned in on Monday. If you recall, we started the DHS adoption process long before Emma came back into the picture. We had no idea....but God knew. Do you think that's why He was so insistent on our turning in our paperwork?

I also found out that DHS did want to open our home as a kinship foster placement so they can get Emma here sooner. I was a little worried that we would have to deal with our old county, but it wasn't even mentioned! So, the all walkthru was done and all paperwork turned in.

Yesterday, I received the email that said our home had been approved and opened. The five day notice was mailed to the foster family who has Emma (this is common procedure) and we are scheduled to get Emma placed in our home next Thursday, March 18!!! WOOHOO!! God is so good. No more hurdles. Our adoptive homestudy should be completed within a couple of weeks.

Now, we are not sure, but Emma may have to be in our home 6 months before we can finalize, which is common. I'm not worried about those little details.

I cannot wait to share her with you all! In the meantime, I will be attending the Oklahoma Homeschool Winter Summit this weekend. I have two workshops to give, one is easy...menu planning. The other is on grief and I just have to tell you, God has written this workshop Himself. As of tonight, at about 5pm, I had no idea what I was going so say. I had a LOT I COULD say, but not in any logical order. Then God started speaking through me. I am praying that God will bring those women who need to hear His word on Saturday. I would appreciate your prayers as I speak this weekend.

I will let you know when Emma gets here. There is a chance the foster home could say go ahead and take her and not wait the five days, so we COULD get her sooner, but I don't want to get my hopes up!!

He promised me...

2010-02-26T21:23:00.004-06:00

Five years ago I asked God to give me more children. A girl. A tiny baby girl. God promised me through many scriptures that He would give me the desires of my heart...eventually.

Emma means "complete" and Claire means "with clarity". I felt then and now that God was telling us that when we received Emma Claire, our foster care/adoption/whatever journey would be over. Our family would be completed with this baby girl.

On July 31st, we believed that our Emma had been born. We would be taking her home forever. God had other plans.

But the promise had not changed.

Fast forward to February 3. I got the call from Raychel, Emma's cousin, asking if we would adopt Emma and could she still be a part of Emma's life. Ummm...it took me about 2 seconds to answer: YES!!!!

Fast forward to today. Court. Here is the prayer I wrote in my prayer journal on 2/5:
"My prayer for Emma's adoption is that it will just happen - no red tape - no hoops - she will be handed over to us and DHS will be the one to make it happen."

And the verse I received that same day?
"Don't be afraid. Just stand where you are and watch the Lord rescue you. The Egyptians (DHS) that you see today will never be seen again. The Lord himself will fight for you! You won't have to lift a finger in your defense." Ex. 14:13-14

And that is exactly what happened in court today. Every player showed up. I took pictures of Emma as we were waiting for our name to be called. We were second on the docket! We all walked up and the worker started with her update. (Normal.)

And then Raychel spoke. And cried. And she said, "I want Tracy to have Emma because she was theirs first and they love her like I do. I will get to see her still and I know this is the best thing for Emma."

And with no other explanation, everyone agreed. PRAISE THE LORD! Our next court date is May 28 and the court is expecting that we can finalize at that time, if not before.

We did not bring Emma home today. I will try to explain it, but please understand that most of DHS doesn't make sense, even to them.

We are an adoptive couple. Emma is an adoptive placement. Our file and hers have to be sent to a "staffing" which is basically where they throw all the files out, mix them up, pull one from the adoptive couple pile and one from the adoptive child pile and stick them together to live happily ever after.

Okay...not exactly like that, but close. Basically, they will say "We have Emma. We want the Phillips to adopt her. K???" But until the staffing takes place, we can't accept placement of her. She will come to us as an adoptive placement, not kinship or foster, which is another praise. We did NOT want to have to deal with Cleveland county ever again.

The only catch with this is that they only have adoptive staffings ONCE a MONTH! So, we have to wait until the March staffing.

After court, Raychel spoke with the worker and was told that she had already spoken with her supervisor and they are going to have Emma in our home by the end of March. This was yet ANOTHER confirmation that this is really happening.

I will be calling my adoption worker on Monday to let her know what is going on and try to find out when they do their staffings.

I am full of awe tonight. I knew that I knew that I knew God had promised this baby. To God be the glory, great things He has done.

Please keep Raychel in your prayers as this is very hard on her. Maybe I should wait to tell her that her visits with Emma will now include the rest of the kids...it's a package deal!

Oh...and to be clear...I did not have to lift a finger in my defense. Amazing!

EMMA CLAIRE IS COMING HOME!!!

2010-02-26T12:38:00.003-06:00

I don't have time to give you all the details, but I promise I will blog about it later. God was in control of the entire situation and we have been told by those in charge that she will be in our home by the end of March!!! We are just waiting on the regular DHS process, which is to be expected and would be the same with ANY child we were adopting...I promise to be more detailed later!!

How can I EVER thank you all for all of your prayers????

"Behold, I am doing a new thing...

2010-02-25T20:54:00.002-06:00

Now it will spring forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert." Isaiah 43:19

I have been re-reading some of my posts tonight as I am preparing for court tomorrow. God is so good. How He has held me in His hand for SO long.

When I started writing last night, the words just filled the page. It was not what I had planned on writing. As a matter of fact, when I went to bed, I thought "Crap! I didn't even get to tell them what awesome thing God did for me!" You know...in addition to all the other awesome stuff He has done.

So, the night before we go to court, I wanted to tell you what God did for me last week. On February 3, when "R" called me, I called the private adoption attorney we had retained for Emma. I figured since we never actually went to court at anytime (other than when she filed the custody papers) that we had at least some to half of our retainer left. I give the info to the secretary and she tells me they will see me in court.

A week later, the secretary calls and asks for $1000 to be put toward my account. WHAT??? Okay, I don't mind paying for a service, but first of all, I want an invoice. Secondly, my biggest concern was losing that $1000. Court is going to go one of two ways: 1 - We get Emma, she is now a DHS adoption, which DHS pays for, or 2 - We don't get Emma, but are still planning on adopting through DHS, which they pay for. It seemed to me that I was going to be losing $1000 either way.

I prayed. I prayed for a check in the mail (you know how I love mail!) or that God would close the door on my attorney. (Let me be clear...she is a very nice woman...I don't have any ill feelings toward her and would recommend her if someone asked me.) I just didn't have $1000 to give. So I prayed for the next week and a half. As I prayed and thought about it, I realized that I really didn't NEED an attorney with me. This is all about DHS's own policy...as long as they choose to follow it. So I sent my attorney a letter letting her know we would no longer be needing her services.

I then decided to contact our DHS attorney that we used for all of our adoptions...just to see what needed to be done, etc. Long story short, she offered to come to court with me tomorrow. And are you ready for the "God" part???

Wait for it.....

Wait for it.....

She is NOT charging me a DIME!!! Hallelujah, what a Savior!! Talk about a road in the wilderness and a river in the desert!!!

Do you think this means something??? (updated)

2010-02-24T21:10:00.006-06:00

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

I have received this verse TWICE today. Not once, but TWICE. And it's not like I wasn't listening the first time...I was. I guess God just knew I needed it more today.

(about 20 minutes after I finished this blog, I read that verse yet AGAIN!!!!)

Court is 36 hours from now. If I sleep for 16 of those hours, you know...the eight hours a night that my body screams for but rarely gets, that leaves me with 20 hours to wait. OH the waiting!

I believe God is going to give Emma to us. With all my heart, mind, and soul, I believe Him to be a keeper of His promises. With every tiny detail that He has orchestrated, not only in the past 5 1/2 years since I recieved the promise, but also in the past 3 weeks, since I received the phone call, He has been in the process of answering my prayers.

But, if it doesn't work out and Emma doesn't come home with us, again, God is still the keeper of His promises. I believe that with all of my heart. It will just mean that God needs to grow me some more. I'm ready to grow. I believe I have grown mightily since Jacob died. Too bad tragedy had to happen for me to get my big girl pants on and do what I needed to do! I have always said I never wanted to be a "Beth Moore" or "Anne Graham Lotz" because they both experienced a lot of pain and suffering to get to where they are spiritually. Well, while I will NEVER compare to either of them, I am thankful that God is making beauty from my ashes.

Before I roll into bed, I will share one more "coincidence" with you. (Knowing full well that I don't believe in coincidence!) If you remember, back in August, I posted this ://http://2blessedtobestressed.blogspot.com/2009/09/human-plans-no-matter-how-wise-or-well.html. I have no idea how to post a link with one highlighted word like all those smart bloggers do. UGH! Anyway, back to the topic at hand. I had sent out a fleece. Well, actually five. The last one was sort of a joke, because God made me this way.

I truly said, "Oh, and by the way, God, could you send me something in the mail to let me know all of this is going to work out?" He could if He wanted to. Do you remember what God sent me in the mail?? (Yes...He DID speak to me through the mail!)

A CAN OF BABY FORMULA!!! I still laugh at how personal our God is. He didn't have to answer ANY of my silly fleeces, but He chose to because He loves me and likes to see me smile.

Anyway, fast forward to a few days after the phone call about Emma. "R" and I are talking and she and her fiance are very concerned about Emma's formula. I told them I would use whatever formula they were using for her as long as she did well on it. She told me the only kind they had found that worked was Enfamil with Lipils. As I was talking with my mom about it, she said, "Tracy, I just had a thought. What kind of formula did you receive in the mail?" I had not thought about it because although I kept the can, I had put it in a cabinet. You probably know where this is going...

YES! It was the SAME formula that Emma needs!! God takes care of all the details, doesn't he??

Wow. I still get goose bumps when I think about it.

Court is at 9am on Friday, 2/26. I can already feel your prayers!!

Eighteen Months later....

2010-02-23T19:04:00.004-06:00

and we finally have the marker for Jacob's grave. The iron part was donated to us by wonderful people. The marble slab was chosen when my uncle, who died in January, was laid to rest next to Jacob.

It is finally here and in place:

I have decorated my house...many times...perused designing magazines, websites, and walked through more Open Houses than I can count, but never did I imagine planning or designing the grave marker for one of my children.

I gave Jacob's information and the Bible verse I wanted and the rest was done for me. I could not have chosen better myself...nor did I want to. Some people are very much about the details of a funeral/grave. I really never cared. I remember saying to our funeral director, more than once, "What would you do?" I am grateful for him. I have never cared about graveside etiquette, as I don't make a habit of visiting them.

Lest you be offended, it doesn't bother me if that kind of thing is important to you. It really doesn't, but my memories of Jacob are NOT at his graveside. As a matter of fact, I can't remember ANYTHING good about that dirt covered coffin in the ground. My baby is not there. When I think about that place, his graveside, my mind fills with sadness. There was no happiness there the day we buried him. People were crying. Who wants to dwell on that?

Eighteen months later, some days at least, I would rather remember Jacob climbing on the furniture...here in our home. Or watching the pictures of him play across my computer. Or listen to my kids talk about the memories they have of him. Other days, I try not to think about it at all. Because that's how I roll...whether it's good for me or not!

So I just wanted to share, eighteen months later...

Oh...I almost forgot! The verse was one that God gave me when we were praying about doing foster care. It was also the verse on Jacob's funeral program (chosen by I don't know who) so we thought it would be very appropriate for his marker.

"Jesus said, 'Let the little children come unto me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of Heaven belongs to such as these.'" Matthew 19:14

Letting it all hang out....

2010-02-19T12:31:00.002-06:00

If you come to my blog to be encouraged, well, this may not be the day for it. If you are a serious type reader, you can stop reading RIGHT NOW. Today's post will be neither encouraging, nor will it be serious. As a matter of fact, for some people, it could be plain offensive!

Although in reality there is really NOTHING funny about what I am going to share, if we don't laugh at ourselves sometimes, then we end up a heaping mess crying in the corner of the closet, hoping we don't find mouse poop sitting there with us!

This brings me to the topic of the day....SPANKS. (http://www.barenecessities.com/SPANX-Higher-Power-High-Waisted-Power-Panties_product_Spanx032_,search,.htm)

For those of you who don't know me in real life, I have spent 35 out of the last 37 years of my life trying to either gain weight, or keep weight on. I had a weight problem, but it was one that most people envy...it was a problem, none the less. As I have always said, if your clothes don't fit, it's a pain in the rear, whether you are big or small!

Take heart! I no longer have this problem. Stop the applause...that's just rude! It all started about the second year we were doing foster care. I had been warned that one of the symptoms of being a foster parent (other than collecting babies) was weight gain. Whatever. I had never been able to gain weight before, so I wasn't worried about it. (Seriously...when my 4th child was born, I tried to KEEP all of my baby weight!) SICK...I know...and I'm sorry.

So I gained about 10 pounds...in about 2 months. Fine. That was good. Now I could shop in the normal stores. BUT...since Jacob died, I have increased my weight by about, ummmm, well, A LOT!!! And unfortunately, that weight gain, combined with my terrible skin tone (a gift from my mother) has caused quite the jello belly.

(Side note...the skin tone thing...evidently this is a curse from my mother's side of the family. Not only are we stark white in color...I don't tan...I bleach...but we have dimple skin, no matter what our weight. I once weighed 107 lbs and had cellulite that should have been on an 80 year old woman's body! I wish I were exaggerating here.)

So, as I sit with my homeschool mom friends one Wednesday morning, the subject of jello belly/muffin tops came up. See, I hang with a group of gals who have all had at least 3 children. It's where I feel most comfortable. :) They also battle this fierce jello problem. Evidently, they had a secret I wasn't aware of. SPANKS. So they explained the idea, explicitly. I was told where to buy them, how to wear them, etc so that I would no longer have to deal with the jello belly that had become my nemesis when trying to put on a pair of jeans!

I did it. I faced the jello beast that had become my belly and I bought the "extra firm control" pair of fake Spanks. (I was told they were just as good.) I couldn't WAIT to get home. As I was driving home, eating my bag of M&M's and drinking my Pepsi, I had glorious pictures of a once flat tummy returning to me. I almost couldn't eat the whole bag of M&M's! (But I did.)

I got home, snuck my fake Spanks into the bathroom so I could take them for a spin! But wait. Where are those instructions??? Yes, I put them on correctly. But this is not the look I was going for!

Instead of my fake Spanks flattening my oh so jello belly, the muffin roll moved. Yes, my tummy was indeed flat, my jeans were loose even, but now I had this roll sitting right under my, err, breasts. WHAT????? Now I needed TWO bras!

My belly looked fabulous, but that extra bulge in the sweater?? Not so much. And then I tried to sit down. I truly believe that the fat roll was cutting off my oxygen supply. I almost couldn't get out of those fake Spanks before I passed out from lack of air! I looked again at the instructions...there was no warning label. There should always be warning labels on dangerous products...like fake Spanks.

So, I have decided to embrace the jello belly that is mine. I am a 37 year old mother of 7. I worked hard for this jello belly. My husband loves me anyway, so I guess I should work on the inside and not worry so much about the outside.

Besides...as my friend reminded me last night...everybody loves jello!

Getting To Know You!!

2010-02-17T20:44:00.002-06:00

I am kind of a blog stalker. I read many, but post very seldomly...unless I know you well. But I came across this new blog (well, new to me blog) and she had a great idea. We bloggers are all about the followers! We want lots! This is a fun way to get to know some other fabulous bloggers. Here's how it works:

1: Click on the Getting To Know You Button on my sidebar...it's at the top right.

2: This will take you to Dancing Barefoot...then leave a comment about your blog. Tell what you write about and what type of blog you have. (She has great instructions for you.)

3: Grab the Getting To Know You button and place it on your sidebar. That way we know you are a participant.

4: Every Wednesday, Lynette at http://lynnettekraft.blogspot.com/ will feature a new blog. If you get featured, she will post about your blog and link to you.

Here's a tip: If you comment on a featured blog, you are entered into a monthly drawing!

Sounds good to me!!!

Emma Claire...the sequel

2010-02-06T10:16:00.002-06:00

That's what this feels like. When I look back, I feel like when we left the hospital in August WITHOUT Emma in her little carrier with the carseat cover I made for her (you know the one with the matching diaper bag, burp rag, and going home outfit that all matched because I am anal like that???) it was the end of a movie. One of those movies that kind of leaves itself open to a sequel. Of course, I had no idea if/what/when/how/where/why this sequel would be written. And now we are living out the sequel.

I told "R" (Emma's cousin who has her) last night that it feels like she is the one giving Emma up and I am adopting from her. I keep getting these thoughts and feelings like I had when I was waiting for "E" to give birth to Emma. Although, I do have to say that "R" is MUCH less stressful than "E" because she is NOT a crazy drug addict! And as my mom said, for some reason, Emma and probably "R", too, needed these past 6 months together. If we had taken Emma home in August, it is extremely likely that she would have never known her family, her history, her past. "R" is here to make sure that doesn't happen and for that I am extremely greatful. I will have to tell you more about "R" one day, if she approves, as I think you will love her the way we are starting to.

At this point, for all intents and purposes, Emma is HER baby. (Minus the DHS involvement!) She is making an extremely difficult decision to do what she feels God is telling her to do. Give Emma to us. Please keep her and her fiance in your prayers as this new story unfolds. (AND she is going to teach me how to fix Emma's hair! WOOHOO!!) I will share more of the details of little things like how she just could never make herself erase my phone number. ("E" had called me one time from her phone.) It's one of those little details that God orchestrates that we would miss if we aren't looking for His hand in our everyday lives.

I read this quote in the Bible study I am teaching at our church: "If I knew everything God knew, and had His heart, I would allow what God allows." Wow. That means even the really bad stuff. The terrible things that happen, like when your two year old gets caught between the dresser and the bed and dies in your home.

So, even though I know that God is in control, my flesh continues to question and worry. I know, someone should put me in time out! "R" and I only know each other through email and phone conversations. She only has my word telling her we are going to take care of and love Emma. I only have her word that she is going to let us do that. But, I also have the promises and the fleeces that I sent out and God answered!

Last night as I was doing my Bible study, I was really enjoying it and God was showing me many things. But it hit me, "God, you haven't said anything to me about Emma and what is going on with her." As I am flipping through Hebrews, looking up a verse that had NOTHING to do with Emma, there is a verse on a page that literally jumped out at me. Yes, like in the movies when the print jumps off the page...like that!! And here is what God said to me:

The Certainty of God's Promise
"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying 'I will surely bless you and give you many descendents." And, so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 6:13-15

God promised Emma. Last night, I was talking to my mom about all that has happened. If Emma had come home with us from the hospital, like I had planned, then God's promise to me would have been fulfilled. He would have received all the glory, all the praise, it still would have been His answer to my prayers. But as I told my mom last night, God is a showoff. And please don't get me wrong. I mean absolutely NO disrespect by what I just said. But as I think about it and all that has happened in my heart since we lost Emma, isn't it just so GOD to present us with the unimaginable?? Bringing Emma home from the hospital wasn't really a big deal. People adopt and bring their babies home all the time. But to get her after 6-7 months? THAT is GOD!!!

I leave you with a verse God has given me from the beginning of His promise of a baby to me...

"Look at the nations and watch, be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days, that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakuk 1:5

"Yet I am confident....

2010-02-03T20:12:00.004-06:00

...that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

This is the verse that God spoke to me on August 5, 2009, the day after we came home from the hospital WITHOUT Emma Claire.....

Last week, we had an ice storm. That left us stuck at home for MANY days in a row. My normal "stuck at home" activities would be to clean out a closet or bedroom or something like that. You know you aren't going anywhere, therefore, you know you can stay on task! Instead, I rediscovered my love of digital scrapbooking. I started digi-scrapping about the time we started doing foster care. It served two purposes. Much easier to get in and out and I needed the closet space that all of my scrapbooking supplies were occupying! So I began. I collected the digi papers and elements and learned the program well. And then Jacob died.

Only recently have I TRULY begun to feel like the old me. I decided it was time to organize my scrapbooking stuff...on my laptop! I had experienced a hard drive crash since I last used the program, so I had to reinstall EVERYTHING....like 4000 papers and elements. It took me 2 days sitting in the recliner, while watching "What Not To Wear" and "Cake Boss". (It was that or the psycho weathermen talking about the "liquid rain"...not sure what other kind of rain possibilities there are, but whatever.)

And then the creativity began. I decided to move from the most recent pics and go backward. I was doing well, but pictures of Emma kept popping up. I was actually tired of looking at them, so I did a two page layout so I could delete the pics. I journaled about our hopes for her and God's plan, finished the page, and felt like I was closing that chapter, for good. It was nice to be mentally and emotionally able to do so in a way that I felt remembered Emma, but didn't dwell on her.

Today, I received a most unexpected phone call. "E's" cousin called me today asking if we had a baby yet. I told her that we did not. She asked if we would/could adopt Emma Claire. (That is what SHE called her...I found that interesting.) We talked some and she explained to me some very valid reasons as to why she would not be able to adopt Emma. She seems very sweet. Evidently, she was told that I was providing "E" with drugs and trying to buy/steal her baby. That is why the cousin stepped in and she said had she known the truth, she never would have taken Emma from us. I laughed because that is what "E" had told us about her cousin!

I don't know all the details of what might happen, but she asked me to please go to court with her on February 26. She plans on telling the judge that she will not be adopting and explaining the situation we had. We are considered a kinship, and our adoption homestudy is in the works, so having her placed with us should not be a problem. (They were willing to open us up as kinship when she was born.) We just need clarity and guidance.

"E's" cousin said that she had been praying really hard about what to do and God brought me to her mind. She feels He answered her prayer. As far as DHS is concerned, Emma is free for adoption. The judge is the same judge we had for Jacob. I feel like God has been moving in this all along. DUH!

Although I don't seem to do this often enough, I got home today and went straight to my Bible. I will leave you with a request to pray for us and the verse God spoke to me, again, today:

"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

He who gives to the poor...

2010-01-14T14:11:00.003-06:00

I have been struggling. I am going to be quite honest here today. It may not be pretty, but it all needs to come out. If you have followed my blog for very long, you will remember that back in June-August of last year, we were matched with a homeless woman who wanted us to adopt her baby girl. "E" was talked about and prayed for here on my blog. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, check out my archives from June-August...I have no idea how to attach posts like those professional bloggers do!)

We all know how that ended...badly. "E" was/is a homeless drug addict by choice. I learned so many things about her world while spending time with her. I came to really resent homeless people. They are living on the streets, collecting social security checks for their "mental illnesses", spending those checks within about 2 days of getting them, and we are ultimately paying for their addictions. (Now, I really haven't had a change of heart in this regard...I believe these people should be drug tested before receiving their government checks. No, I don't know how you would oversee it, or care, I'm just saying!)

And then there was the mother of my former foster kids who used and abused us with the promise of her baby (that she wasn't even pregnant with). Burned by yet another homeless person.

So, fast forward a couple of months after "E" and I am asked to head up our women's ministry at church. I wanted to, I knew God was leading me to this, but there was something missing in my spirit. First of all, they wanted us to help the homeless. Ummm...nope. Sorry. I will support you all in what you want to do, but I am done with homeless drug addicts. DONE!!!

I felt totally justified in this. Those homeless people deserve what they get. They chose to do the drugs. They chose this life. And on and on the excuses went. I mean really, can you blame me? Just look what these people did to us and all we were doing was trying to help them!

So there. Someone else will deal with the homeless, I'll help with everything else. And our women's ministry moves forward.

As you know, Patrick and I are praying to adopt through DHS. This is straight adoption, not foster care. The children available have already served their time in foster care and need a forever family. Because DHS changes their rules all the time, there was a 3 hour class that has been added since we first started doing foster care. So, last week, the coldest night ever (in my opinion), we head downtown to take our class. We stop at a Taco Bell to eat, and because of the temperatures, there are some homeless people coming in and out to warm up. We were just blocks from the bridge where "E" lives. Patrick and I were finishing eating and this homeless couple walks in. They are freezing. She was carrying all of her belongings and her hands were frozen. When I say that, I am not talking about when you or I get out of our warm vehicles to pump gas, or run to the mailbox from our warm homes and claim that we are freezing. This woman was in pain. He was trying his best to warm her hands, but his hands were cold, too. I watched them as they were trying to figure out how to get her warm.

I walked over and handed her my gloves. Her eyes lit up like I had handed her a million dollars. My heart was breaking for her. She said, "Oh, thank you! Bless you!!" He said, "We were trying to get her warmed up, this is going to help."

And we walked out, got in our truck that was warm in about 2 minutes, and I put on the extra pair of gloves that were in my truck. It wasn't even a sacrifice for me. Not only did I have a pair in the truck (you know, a different color so that my ensemble is never an eyesore) but I have a couple of pair for EACH of my coats!!! If I wanted to, I could have had Patrick take me to the nearest store to replace my gloves. How I wish I had had the time to go buy a bunch of gloves and pass them around downtown.

Let me clue you in on the bigger thing here. God told us to go back to DHS. I did NOT want to go to a stupid 3 hour class that is supposed to tell me how wonderful it is to be friends with our adopted children's parents. (Been there, done that, they stole my t-shirt!) It was SO cold and I almost cancelled. But God had other plans. You see, he knew from before I was born that I was going to be hurt by homeless people. He also knew that I would have this encounter that would totally soften my heart towards the homeless again. Praise God.

That bitterness and hate that I was holding onto was gone the moment the gloves passed from my hands to hers.

"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses." Proverbs 28:27

2009 in Three Words or Less

2009-12-31T18:46:00.002-06:00

January - waiting for baby

February - 6 month mark

March - adoption match failed

April - foster baby placed

May - foster baby removed

June - matched with "E"

July - Emma Claire born

August - Emma Clarie lost
1 year mark

September - time heals nothing

October - drowning in depression

November - starting to resurface

December - we have hope!

Wishing you a Blessed CHRISTmas!

2009-12-24T21:19:00.005-06:00

Here in Oklahoma, this is what we awoke to:

The first picture is out my back window and the second is out our front window. We received 14 inches of snow! There is a snow drift between our house and the next that is at least 4 feet tall. My kids are going to have a blast tomorrow!

I have lots to tell you about, but have been really busy getting everything ready for Christmas. I have been able to actively participate this year, which has been a blessing in itself.

The picture at the top of my page is of Jacob's handprint ornament. (I got a new camera for Christmas and have been playing with it!)

So, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, with wonderful memories made with your families!

2009-12-08T23:02:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

little of this...little of that...

2009-12-04T15:24:00.003-06:00

This post doesn't really have a specific point, just lots of little bits of info to put out there.

I found out some very interesting information this week. I know I have talked about wanting out of the county we are in according to DHS. If you read through all of my posts, I am quite sure you would read about this on many occasions. For one thing, we live ONE block from the county line. I can SPIT into OK county. (Okay...I can't, but it makes for a good imagery!) All the offices are closer than our county, all of our cases have been in OK county, and I could go on, but I won't bore you with all of that.

So, I mentioned in one of my last posts that we have signed up to do straight adoption through DHS. It was totally a God thing and still is as He is opening doors like you wouldn't believe! So, a couple of days ago, I got an email from MY county worker telling me that she had not checked our address when we adopted S&J, so when she put it in for this adoption, it came up OK county. WHAT??? Are you kidding me??? So, I talked with her about it a little to make sure she had the right info. I know for a fact we do not live in OK county. She assures me that according to them, I do. Okay. Whatever. So I do what I do and I go higher up. I sent an email to my old worker and she confirmed that no, we are NOT OK county. I am starting to get the feeling that nobody wants me!

Not 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from the adoption supervisor in OK county. Evidently, Adoptions and Foster care do not go by the same guidelines. Why I was surprised by this, I have no idea! So, if we want to foster, we are one county...if we want to adopt, we are OK county. Evidently, my zip code is an OK county zip code. Talk about identity issues!!

I am happy with the change, though. I will miss MY worker (she knows who she is) because she was so good at fighting for our causes, but I won't miss those she was fighting against. I am also very excited that OK county contacted me so soon. My info was just sent to them 2 days ago and they called me today. They will be scheduling a time to come out and do a walkthrough of our home in the next 2 weeks. We will have to redo some of our study, but most of it they will be able to use from S&J's adoption. (Yes, I can post their names, I am just too lazy to type them out.)

I also wanted to share something that I am continually learning about. It's what a personal Savior we have. I love when an issue comes up and I take it to God in prayer and within a day, He is speaking to me specifically about my issue. That happened just this week.

It never fails. Just as you are seeing and feeling God's presence in a situation, Satan will attack. And so many times, we are so blinded by the attack, we totally take our eyes off of God and the glorious thing He has just done in our lives. UGH! Why do we do this???

I have been lied about recently. In such a way that had it been believed, it could have caused severe damage to some people. Fortunately, it was very obvious that it was not truth, but still. I don't really care if people like me or agree with me, but when you call my honesty into question, uh...yeah...not good!

So, as I am processing all of this information, I went straight to the Word. Here is what God said to me:

"Arrogant people have made up lies about me, but in truth I obey your commandments with all my heart. Their hearts are dull and stupid, but I delight in your law. The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Psalm 119:69-71

The Bible says that "God's word is living and active". It's really hard not to be bitter and just furious when people wrong you, but according to God, I need to be paying attention to Him...not the lies...not the injustice...but to Him. He knows. He will take care of it all. But I would be lying if I told you it wasn't really hard to allow Satan to steal my joy!

So, I am working on all of this.

And because I said this would be random, I now weigh what I weighed when I gave birth to my 4th child. Yeah, me. Gotta run and put my fat pants on so I can go eat Mexican with my friends tonight!! (Oh...and when I say "run", what I really mean is hollering to one of my kids to bring the pants to me!)

4 years old...gotcha day....

2009-11-30T20:59:00.006-06:00

Saturday was Josiah's 4th birthday. It was also Samara's "gotcha" day. We have had them for three years now. The day we got Samara, the worker said, "She has a brother...will you take him?" Well, how could I say no? She asked for him all day long. So, 2 1/2 weeks later (and thanks to a fabulous judge who told DHS that 6 children in a home was not a law and court ordered them to stay in my home) Josiah joined our family.

He was the saddest thing I had ever seen. Josiah had been in DHS custody for 8 weeks and when I got him, I was his 5th placement in that time. 2 1/2 years later, I learned that we were actually his 7th placement in 8 weeks. Josiah cried for hours on end. He did not want to be held. He would bang his head on the tile multiple times a day...it was a terrible sound. He was the angriest baby I have ever known. Fast forward 1 1/2 years and he is diagnosed with RAD, after trying to strangle me...twice.

I say all of this because I want you to know what a work God has done in Josiah's life. (There is SO much more I could tell you that happened with Josiah...but that would probably require a blog of it's own!) Josiah is a NORMAL 4 year old boy. He has an imagination that won't quit. He says everything that passes through his little head. He has all of my friends who know him in stitches, all the time.

For example...last week I went to pick him up from Sunday School. His regular teachers were not in there, it was an older couple. I get to the door and he is the only one left. I smile and they say "is he yours?" I say yes and I hear them say "Russell, your mom is here." RUSSELL??? I laughed a little and said, "His name is Josiah." They said, "Oh, well, he lost his name tag and told us his name was Russell." What a dork!!! The whole month before that, if someone said "Hi Josiah", he would say, "My name is Monk!" I had no idea who Russell was until my kids reminded me that Josiah had watched the movie "UP" over the weekend! The really funny thing is the next day, I said, "Hey Russell" and he said, "What??" UGH!!

So, I am thankful for Josiah (or Monk, or Russell). I am thankful that God chose to heal this child so that he could one day bring glory to God. Josiah has an amazing story, although he is too young to know it just yet.

This is a video of his birthday cake. The candles I used were leftovers from another party. Evidently they were "sparkler" candles, but they didn't work the first time we used them.

Complete the ministry God has given you....

2009-11-26T09:15:00.003-06:00

I haven't been posting as much as I would like to. I haven't been sleeping, so by the time I am alone for the day where I could post, I am just too tired. Plus, all my "good stuff" comes to me while I'm driving or at the grocery store! Maybe I should have one of my slaves start taking notes for me.

So, for those of you who have read ANY of my blog, you know that I despise DHS. Right? And with good reason...right? I mean, seriously...who tells someone who just lost their child to a tragic accident that it was because there were too many children in the home? Who does that??? And then in the same breath tell you that the whole time that said child was alive, DHS was losing money because we had "one too many children". I told them many times that I didn't want their money...but they won't place a child with you unless they can control you and how do you control someone??? With money. How convenient.

With that being said, I have felt like God was leading us to adopt again. Not through a private adoption, but through DHS! WHAT??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? "God, You of all beings know what these people did to our family. Yes, I know we got three wonderful blessings from all the drama, but seriously??? Again????? UGH!!!!"

Have you ever fought God on something?? I know we all have, but this was one of those stomping my feet "I'm not doing this" kind of fights! I had all the paperwork that needed to be filled out laying on my chair. I just kept ignoring it. And then I got this verse in my Bible study...

"But you should keep a clear mind in every situation. Don't be afraid of suffering for the Lord. Work at bringing others to Christ. Complete the ministry God has given you." 2 Timothy 4:5

Complete the ministry God has given you....DHS was/is our ministry. I threw my hands up in the air as any good, obedient Christian would do, and said, "FINE, GOD...I'll do it!" (Well, after a few more words with the Master!)

So, we turned in our paperwork about a month ago. This means we will probably not be adopting a newborn, and maybe not even a girl. But God has been working with me on this area, too. I asked God 4 years ago to enlarge my family...give me babies. He did. He even gave me a tiny chocolate baby girl named "Emma Claire"...even if only for 5 days...I had her. The name on her birth certificate is "Emma Claire".

So, we are waiting again. There are a couple of situations that have been presented to us, but we are waiting for God to intervene. Please be in prayer that we will not step in front of God. And when I say "we", I mean "me"! I know God's plan is so much better than mine. And I gave my plan up to Him recently and am allowing Him to do what HE has planned for our family. I know...big of me!

Today I am thankful. Last year I was not so much. Last year at Thanksgiving, I was still in shock. But 15 months later, I can say that God has been faithful to our family. He has been faithful to me. While I still long for Heaven and those skinny chocolate arms around my neck, I am thankful today that I still have the rest of my family and that God's purpose for me is not over. There is much to be done.

"For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."

"But I called on your name, Lord, from deep within the well, and you heard me! You listened to my pleading; you heard my weeping! Yes, you came at my despairing cry and told me, Do not fear!"

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

It's like a giant rat maze

2009-11-03T19:36:00.003-06:00

I have lots to say, but then again, I have nothing to say. The past 2 1/2 months since the anniversary of Jacob's death have been extremely difficult. God is still good, and because I can say that and mean it, I believe I am on the way out of the valley...for now. So, I will post something meaningful and easy to read...later.

I am also trying to get past this headache which just might be an aneurism, so this will be short. I'm kidding about the aneurism. Maybe. It's on both sides of my head and sometimes goes in circles. My brilliant 14 year old daughter explained to me, because her spiritual gift is sarcasm, that if I did indeed have a "moving aneurism" that the doctors were really going to want to have a looksy!

I have been wanting to update, but after reading my last two posts and having nothing better to say, I decided "if I can't say anything nice, then I won't say anything at all."

But, I was thinking in the tub...which is where all my good stuff comes from...and God reminded me of a time when He answered a prayer of mine in a mighty way. I believe I am supposed to share this with you all.

In March of 2008, Samara had her tonsils and adenoids removed, and tubes placed in her ears. We had her surgery at OU Children's Hospital. If any of you locals have been there, you know too well what a rat maze that place is.

Patrick used to work at Children's, when Ashlee was about 2 (she was young enough to still call the elevator an "alligator" and she was an only child!). We would go up and meet Daddy for lunch occasionally and I remember him giving me directions to his office...which I found...but getting out of that place, well, that's a different story. Let's just say that after that, Patrick walked me to my car!!

Anyway, Samara and I had to be at the hospital at the butt-crack of dawn for her surgery. For those of you who know me in real life, well, there wasn't enough Pepsi in that hospital to help me!! I parked and got Samara and myself where we needed to be. Surgery went fine. I prepared myself to carry this drugged, heavy duty 4 year old down the rat maze of halls and alligators to the parking garage where we had parked earlier...in the dark...during construction.

Thirty minutes later,after what should have been a "follow this hall to that sign, turn left, take the alligator down one floor, turn right and out you go", I found myself literally crying out to God to help me find my car. I had no idea where I was. For awhile, I was convinced that we were no longer at OU, but now we were at Mercy! So I prayed. And I found another elevator that I KNEW I had not seen before, nor could it take me to my car...because remember...I hadn't seen it before!! Plus, I am not even in Oklahoma anymore!! But, I got on and I said, "God, when I get off this elevator, I need my truck to be right in front of me. I am lost and I don't know what else to do."

The elevator door opened. I picked Samara and all of her stuff up, looked out the door, and there was my beautiful, red truck, right in front of me, just where I am pretty sure I had NOT left it. I cried a little. I thanked God out loud and scared Samara a little.

Was this an emergency? No. Was I in danger? No. Did Samara care? No...she was on drugs. I was just tired. That's all. I could have walked around the hospital again, asked for more help, or many other things to find my truck. But I asked God for His help, and He gave it to me. Why? Because He loves me. He loves me in the big things and He loves me in the little things.

Jacob was/is a BIG thing. Finding my car because I was tired was very small. But God did not care for me or meet my needs any differently. He LOVES me. Bottom line. That's it.

As I was typing this post, the following song came to mind...it's by Mark Schultz:

Father, let the world just fade away
Let me feel Your presence in this place
Lord, I've never been so weary
How I need to know You're near me
Father, let the world just fade away

Til I'm on my knees
Til my heart can sing

He is
He was
He always will be

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
He is

Father, let Your Holy Spirit sing
Let it calm the storm inside of me
As I stand amazed
Lift my hands and say

He is
He was
He always will be

Even when it feels like there is no one holding me
Be still, my soul
Be still, and know
Be still, my soul

He is!

It is what it is...

2009-10-14T19:13:00.002-05:00

For the third time this year, we are no longer "matched" with a birthmother. First there was "T", who ended up in the witness protection program. Then there was "E", who allowed DHS to talk her into going with a "family" member, because according to DHS, "family is always better". And then most recently, there was "K".

Not long after we were contacted by "K", I started to feel uneasy about the situation. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but there was an uneasiness in my spirit that I couldn't explain. I just rode it out because I felt like we were helping "K" in other areas of her life and I would have helped her without a baby dangled in front of me. "K" was the birthmom of our first two foster babies. She got them back from DHS and had another baby about 6 months ago. I was able to be with her some then, helping with the boys (which if any of you have been foster parents, it is VERY COOL to get to see your previous kids). So, when she called us about 6 weeks ago asking us to adopt the baby she was pregnant with, we were very excited! I mean, what a cool story that would be! And then last week, we found out it was all a lie. I asked God for confirmation of my feelings, and boy did I get confirmation!

It is what it is...

Since Jacob died, and probably before that, I have tried to make sense out of the things that happen in my life. Maybe God is trying to teach me this, maybe God is protecting me from that, maybe God put her in my life for this reason, maybe God is preparing me for that, on and on and on! But maybe, just maybe....

It is what it is. And that's all. It just is.

Through this last "match" and all that it entailed, I have realized a few things about myself. God promised us a baby 4 years ago. Of that I have no doubt. God has also told me that HE will handle the details. HE will do this thing He has promised. All I have to do is sit back and rely on Him.

No matter what I have said, what I have written, in some ways, I have been running this show. To be quite honest, I used all of this adoption drama as a distraction from what was really going on in my life...the loss of Jacob, because seriously, who wants to deal with death? Not me! Because of this, I made a LOT of mistakes with these "matches".

I spent so much time with "E", catering to her needs, her demands, at the cost of my family. I wonder if I had truly been relying on God for our baby, would I have dropped everything when "E" called and put my family second? I don't think so. Although I didn't realize it until it was over, I really thought if I didn't bow to "E" and keep her happy, that we wouldn't get her baby. Turns out, no amount of helping "E" would guarantee us that baby. I assumed that because the situation was presented to us, it must have been from God. I don't know now. What I do know is that I don't EVER want to be in a situation like this again...the agonizing feelings and loss that were experienced were something I don't know if I can go through again.

But, it is what it is.

When "K" called us, again, I thought this was God's answer to our loss of "E's" baby. And so quickly! What a gracious God! And while we did not bow to her every need, we did "help" "K" out a lot. Again, where was my reliance?

It is what it is.

For the first time in a year, my focus has totally changed. My focus is not on adoption. It's not on DHS. It's not dreaming about our promise baby. My focus is on God. My focus is on growing in Him. I am memorizing Scripture and teaching Sunday School. I am working on getting our homeschool back to the way it was before we lost Jacob. I am focusing on the relationships with the children I have. I am allowing God to do His work in my life. I am working on our homeschool convention and have recently become involved in our women's ministry at church which has the potential to be HUGE!

So where does all of this leave us with our adoption journey? Well, we will be going back online with our adoption ministry, www.christianadoption.com and go from there. Adoption will happen, but it can no longer be my focus. My prayer is also that the adoption will just land in our lap...baby already here, or at the least VERY close. Unless God changes my heart, I just don't think I can be "matched" again. I will admit, a part of me is very sad that I keep hearing about all of the babies in DHS needing homes and mine is unusable. KILLS ME! But, I do know that God gave us THREE children through DHS and I need to be okay with that.

It is what it is.

Something that was made aparent to me by our fabulous adoption ministry leader is that while my heart for babies and children, especially those that nobody else wants, is a very noble and righteous cause, it is also my weakness. This is an area in my life that Satan has and can use in order to bring me down. Who would have thought? But it makes perfect sense. If you tell me about a baby situation, DHS or otherwise, my immediate response is "bring me that baby...I'll fix it"! I never even THINK about the fact that God may not have THAT baby in mind for me. How can that be?? How can a good thing, I mean a REALLY good thing, not be God's plan? Well, sometimes it just isn't! And I have to accept that.

So, life goes on. God is still God. Nothing has changed for Him!

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock." Isaiah 26:3-4

And can I just say that not being "matched" has been so peaceful?

It is what it is.

Just so you know...

2009-09-28T14:15:00.004-05:00

Whomever said "time heals all wounds" was a complete moron who never had a wound! Well, maybe he was right in a sense. Wounds do heal, therefore, I suppose the grief that comes when we lose someone to death shouldn't be considered a wound. I would argue that it is rather a gaping hole, never to return to it's prior shape. There is no scabbing over. There is no new skin to grow, just the hole. (By now you are probably sensing my mood so it is now up to you as to whether or not you continue reading!)

Thirteen months have come and gone since Jacob died. Do you realize that this time next year I will have grieved for him longer than I actually had him? I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I thought that it would be easier after we hit the "year" mark. And in some ways, it is, but I keep going back to what we were doing last year at this time. What we were feeling. I truly think my body is having "physical" memories. The little's therapist explained to me one time that even though they were too young to remember what really happened to them on a conscious level, their bodies remembered and when those "physical" memories were triggered by whatever (sounds, smells, etc.) their bodies responded with a physical response.

I think my body is responding to those things that were going on a year ago. I am extremely fatigued for no reason, could spend days sleeping in my bed, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, struggling to go to church, and I could go on. A year ago, I was still in shock for the most part. The reality of what our life would be like without Jacob was still unknown. I was still just trying to breathe.

I also think that I have a fear of people not remembering that we had him. The sound of my telling people we have 6 children at home is getting easier to say and that scares me. There will come a time when people will walk into my home and ask about the picture of the chocolate baby boy on the wall. I will make new friends who never knew me as Jacob's mommy. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.

And on one hand, I don't want to go back to where I was this time last year. On the other hand, spending hours on my bed by myself is such a comfort. I could live there easily.

For those of you waiting on the "old" Tracy to come back, it's not going to happen. Did you really think it would? I have a gaping hole in my chest that cannot be fixed. It will be there until the day I die. I have been forever changed. Just like I was forever changed when I went to pick Jacob up at the DHS office 3 years ago.

On a positive note, God is the Almighty comforter, healer, maker of my heart. Although I will never be the same, God is growing me. He is teaching me about His grace and mercy, His unfailing love, and that His promises are rock solid.

" 'My thoughts are completely different from yours,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

And that is where I will find my peace and rest.

I suppose I should post something....

2009-09-10T19:18:00.002-05:00

but all is quiet here on the homefront...for the moment! We have been busy with school starting and getting back into the swing of all things homeschool! Summer is not my favorite time of year. I do not like for my schedule to change. And when I say schedule, I mean my ENTIRE schedule, whether it be schooling, television, church, whatever.

So after next week, all things will be back to normal. Our Fall Bible studies at church will begin, our PE/Coop classes have started, and all the Fall premieres will start a week from Monday! (I know it's sad...don't judge me!) I just love Fall!

I have been doing a bit of respite for a friend the past week. She is a beautiful 5 month old baby girl and is SO easy and good natured. She has a smile that makes you melt! I suppose that's why I feel we have been so busy lately! Our family has enjoyed having her here. Although, one night, after her bath and fresh jammies, Josiah said, "Did you get ANOTHER new baby???" Nope...just changed her clothes. Poor messed up little kids. My kids are going to think babies come from phone calls.

My fourteen year old has decided that she would like to be a child psychologist/counselor when she grows up. I was very impressed with her decision. She said she wants to help the older kids...you know...like the ones in foster care. If you wonder how doing foster care might affect your children, there you have it.

She also informed me that in a year from now we would be getting ready to get her learner's permit. ACK!!! I wasn't ready for that comment. Not that I don't enjoy her maturity, but she is just a constant reminder that I am getting really old!

As far as adoption news, everything is the same. We are waiting on a doctor's appointment and basically just waiting. Our birthparents are very comfortable with their decision. But please keep them in your prayers. They are such a sweet couple, just trying to do what's right to get their lives on track and put their family first. Please keep them in your prayers that God would continue to give them the strength to do what's best. We spent some time with them this past week, both of our families, and had a very nice time. Just please keep them in your prayers as I can't share much out of respect for their privacy.

While it doesn't make for a very interesting blog post, my life is at peace for a little while. I am enjoying it and hope it continues. Oh...one more thing to share:

A sweet lady at my church stopped me in the hall last night. Her little girl and Jacob were in the same classes at church. Remember, Jake had just turned two when he died. She said they were out somewhere and saw a little chocolate boy walking. Her daughter said "Look, that's like Jacob." Her mother was a little confused as she had not mentioned him in over a year. She said, "You mean Jake from your class?" She said, "Yes." How sweet and sad all rolled into one. It's hard for me to see the little ones that were in class with him. I feel sad for me, but also for them as they will be growing up in church without him. He was supposed to be their friend for a long time. Actually, he was supposed to marry one of them if I recall...we already had it all arranged! I am sure God will provide her with the husband she is to have...there is time...they are only 3!

"Human plans, no matter how wise or well advised,

2009-09-01T20:45:00.002-05:00

cannot stand against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

"Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:3

God, is this what you are doing??

"Look and see, for all your children will come back to you. As surely as I live, says the Lord, they will be like jewels or bridal ornaments for you to display." Isaiah 49:18

I mentioned in my blog a few days ago that I had laid out a fleece to God in regards to Emma. I read up about Gideon laying out the fleece when God told him to go and fight the strongest army and decided to try it. I thought God had promised me this baby. And here I am WITHOUT this baby. So I laid out the fleece. Only I didn't just lay out ONE fleece. I laid out FIVE! I know...overkill. Here is how it went:

"God, I need your guidance. I need to know if we are on the right path. I need to know if Emma is coming. If she is coming, I need to know:
1 - through a phone call
2 - through my husband
3 - through my friends (you know...that they "FEEL" it, too)
4 - that for some reason we would not be placed back online with Christian Adoption as planned,
5 - and just for fun, could you please send me something in the mail so I will know????

Yeah...that last one was just for kicks. I also told God that I trusted Him completely in whatever He was going to do, I just wanted a glimpse.

Here are the answers to my not ONE, but FIVE fleeces:
1 - "E" called (yeah...even though it didn't work out, it was a phone call I thought I wanted)
2 - I was ready to pack everything up and put it away, but Patrick said to "wait"...not what I was expecting from him
3 - A couple of very sweet messages about faith...very helpful.
4 - we were not placed back online due to a bad email address??? still can't figure out what happened.
5 - And just so you know that God does enjoy His children, when I opened the mailbox on Friday, a can of BABY FORMULA had been mailed to us! I know God was laughing at me!

And yet, we did not get a baby. And I was at peace. TOTAL peace. Not just fake peace. I knew in my spirit that everything was going to be fine and to be just the way God planned it.

Today, I received a phone call that I never expected. For privacy issues, I cannot give you all the details right at this moment, but we have been asked to adopt a couple's baby. They are due in January. These are people that we are acquainted with and the circumstances are totally God. While I cannot share details, I want you all to know how God has answered our prayers...even though they were not answered the way I thought they would be. This baby will be born healthy, no drugs, no alcohol, birthmom will go to doctor's visits, she IS NOT a crazy drug addict, but I do consider her a friend.

Please pray that God will have His hand upon this family as they have made this very difficult decision to try and give their baby the best life possible.

Praise God for His plans. And praise Him that we don't know ahead of time what He is doing. Otherwise, we would never be okay with the journey.

Getting off the roller coaster...

2009-08-31T14:27:00.002-05:00

Well, at least this one!

I did not go to court today. "E" called yesterday morning and everything was still on for court today. A few hours later, she called and totally changed her mind...the cousin that has the baby was with her. She was high again.

And I was at peace. I cannot tell you how I began to enjoy my day after that phone call. I wasn't upset, or sad, or anything. Just at peace. I know that God spoke to me about the promise of our Emma this past week. He confirmed and told me that Emma would be mine. I believe Him.

I did talk to the DHS worker today and she was in shock as well. Evidently, "E" had called her on Friday and told her she was going to pick us today. The worker doesn't think the judge is going to allow "E" to choose ANYBODY. She will have her rights terminated and the baby will be adopted out through DHS. The cousin will be looked at first, because she is "family". (Not the kind of family that supported "E" throughout her pregnancy, but, whatever.) Now, if something happens and the cousin is not allowed to keep her, then they will call us. I am not holding my breath. I am moving onward. I am not going to keep on trying to figure out what the purpose of this process has been. Maybe it was to teach me how NOT to be used by crazy drug addicts!!!

I know I keep getting you all excited about all of this and I feel bad when I have to come and tell you my crazy life has changed, ONCE again. I am really not a dramatic person...I hate drama. It just seems I can't get away from it right now!

I appreciate all of the prayers. We are going back online with www.christianadoption.com and we will also be filling out our adoption paperwork for DHS. I want to be ready no matter what God brings to us.

Thanks again for praying and thinking of us today! Now I must clean out the garage!!!

"Whatever He wants to do, He does..."

2009-08-28T15:39:00.002-05:00

so He will do for me all He has planned." Job 23:13-14

WOW! Where do I start. Monday was the start of a new day...a new year. No more "firsts" since Jacob died. We were moving on (again and again). Then the phone rang. This is the conversation that took place:

DHS: May I speak to "E"?
Me: She isn’t at this number, may I help you?
DHS: Well, this is her DHS worker and I need to get in touch with her so I can go over her plan.
Me: Well, she is homeless and has no phone. (I gave her Northcare’s…the mental health counseling place she goes to… info and told her about E always getting her check there on the first) But, E is not going to do a case plan.
DHS: Oh, I know. I’m not offering her one, but we would like to see if she will relinquish. How do you know E?
Me: We are the couple who were supposed to adopt the baby.
DHS: OH! I know who you are. Well, it says in my notes that you are not interested in adopting through DHS. Is that right? Are you wanting to be totally out of this?
Me: Well, when I said that, I was a little emotional and no, it would not be my first choice. Besides, I didn’t think there was any possibility of us adopting this baby at this point. If we did decide to adopt, it would have to be a pretty much done deal…I can’t have her again and then lose her.
DHS: Well, we are going to tpr E and I just need to know if you are willing to adopt the baby.
Me: Is she still at the hospital or in the shelter?
DHS: No, she is in a kinship home…with a cousin.
Me: Is the cousin not wanting to keep her?
DHS: Well, we don’t know yet, but I wanted to see where you stood in case. When we TPR, we need an adoptive home ready to go.
Me: Yes. We will adopt her if that option were to open up.
DHS: Okay. That’s what I needed to know. I will let you know when I find something out.

SERIOUSLY??? And my first response is "GOD????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????"

So, I put out a fleece. Confirmation...whatever God wanted to give me. And I asked Him to show me what to do, how to move forward (and then I got bold) through a phone call.

That was Monday. Yesterday was Thursday. I was helping at my sister's garage sale. I had run home to get a few boxes of girl baby clothes. I was going to really thin them out and give some things away. I loaded up my truck, and headed back to the sale. I took in the box of boy things I had, and prepared to unload the truck. My phone rang.

It was "E". She needed me to take her to court so she could sign over her rights to me. WHAT????? She was told by the worker that she needed to be at court to relinquish her rights and choose who she wanted her baby to go to and she said she wanted me to have Emma.

Well, she had some of her facts right, but court was not yesterday. It's Monday at 1:30pm. And I have talked to "E's" worker, and she has confirmed what will happen.

Basically, "E" will go to DHS court. She will tell the judge that she wants to give guardianship of Emma to us (or whomever she chooses) and she can sign right then and there. Guardianship means that we will be OUT of DHS!!! We will still be under the judge's eye for a year, but guess who the judge is??? JACOB'S JUDGE!!! The one who shut his court down to come to Jake's funeral! He loves us!

After a year, we can file tpr on "E" ourselves and proceed with the adoption. This option is TOTALLY fine with us. No DHS involvement, we get our baby, and "E" will be finished with her part of all of this.

"For I have stayed in God's paths; I have followed His ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from His commands but have treasured His word in my heart. Nevertheless, His mind concerning me remains unchanged, and who can turn Him from His purposes? Whatever He wants to do, He does. So He will do for me all He has planned. He controls my destiny." Job 23:11-14

That was my passage of the day yesterday...rather fitting, don't you think??

Here are my prayer requests:

1 - "E" will remain sober. (She spent 3 weeks in detox and is now in outpatient rehab...and doing well!)
2 - The court will recognize that DHS should not have stepped in at all.
3 - We will have peace no matter the outcome.
4 - "E" will follow through with her plan this time. (I am confident that she will show for court...she gave me her ID. She has to have it on Tuesday to cash her check. This is her way of letting me know she is serious.)
5 - That "E" will have clarity of mind on Monday. She gets flustered easily.

No matter the outcome, there will be closure. And for that I will be grateful. "E" and I have talked in depth about what happened at the hospital and some things that went on that I had suspected, and now have proof...it will be addressed to the higher ups, but not until Emma is safe at home.

Please feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try and answer them!

Oh...and I didn't sell any girl things at the garage sale!!!

One year ago today...

2009-08-23T19:18:00.004-05:00

I have thought a lot about what I wanted this days entry to say. Some days it was going to be a very strong post about how God has pulled us through this tragedy. Some days it was going to be a very weepy post with me feeling very sorry for myself. Some days, it was going to be filled with pictures of Jacob...and I mean pictures until you puke! LOTS of them! But now that the time has actually come, I really don't know what to post. Maybe the truth would be the best way to go with this today.

A year ago today, as we were preparing for a day of celebration, Jacob Levi Phillips, was climbing on his dresser. It fell and caught him between the dresser and the end of the bed. He breathed his last sweet Jacob breath before falling into the arms of our Savior.

Two days before Jacob died, this is what I underlined in my Bible:

"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord had taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

A year ago today, although I knew that God would see me through the worst day of my life, I wasn't sure exactly HOW He was going to do that. I remember being afraid of how I would view my Savior. Would I be angry? Would I blame Him? Would I be able to breathe again? Will I be able to sing praises? Will I be able to tell others about Him? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be joyful again? So many questions.

As I was reminded this week by a dear friend, Jacob's life was never meant to be any longer than it was. As his mommy, I had great plans for his life. As his maker, God's plans for his life were completely fulfilled. As his mommy, I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to listen to him learn to talk. I wanted to watch him learn to ride a bike. And read. And give me chocolate grand babies. I wanted to hear him pray the sinner's prayer asking Jesus into his sweet little heart. I wanted to watch him on stage singing with the children's choir. How CUTE that would have been. How he will be missed.

But God has been faithful. He is a good God. He holds me in the palm of His hand each and every day, gently guiding me through my own personal hell.

I want to take time in this post to sincerely thank all of my friends whether in real life, or in the blog world, who have lifted us up and interceded on our behalf. I know that this day...the year anniversary of our baby's death...could not have come and gone in such a sweet way without your prayers. I will forever be grateful and have asked my God to bless each and every one of you.

I know that our recovery will not be complete until we are in the arms of Jesus ourselves, but in the meantime, we will allow the grace of our Jesus to cover us. There will always be a hole in my heart where my baby belongs, but I am extremely grateful that God allowed that baby into our home for the time he was here.

We love you, Jacob Levi, and we will not forget you!

I would love to hear your thoughts...if you knew Jacob, a memory would be nice, or a thought you have had since reading my blog. I would really like to end this year with a time of reflection and remembering. I appreciate you all! (Even if you have never posted...this is your time!!)

He was a little baby...

2009-08-17T15:01:00.002-05:00

We started school today. For writing, I require my kids (who are old enough) to write me a page each day about anything they want. Then I make corrections and they rewrite the final draft. As I was grading Ashlee's writing today, I happened to look back at something she had written a while ago and would like to share it with you. Ashlee was 13 years old when she wrote this.

"He was a little baby, not yet a boy, but for some reason we do not know, God called him home. He was the light of our life, a star shining throught the mist. And like everything else in this life, we took him for granted. He made us laugh when he laughed, and we became sad when he was sad. He was not perfect, but in our eyes there was no better. We are comforted to know that he does not miss us, but that he will know he is missed. My little brother, our shining star.

Life comes and goes. When it comes, people rejoice, but when it leaves, people don't always know what to do. Some people hide and cry, others aren't that subtle. A few choose, or cannot cry, for their grief is so great. A lot become angry. Angry at God and at people, but they shouldn't, for if you don't have God during these horrible times, who do you have? Family? Sure. Friends? Perhaps. But they will all fade away and leave you. God will not. So, don't be angry at God, or even other people whether or not it's their fault. For anger leads to bitterness and bitterness leads to death...or worse."

I could feel it coming...

2009-08-15T20:23:00.002-05:00

And when it did, I found myself curled up in the little's room, on the floor, in front of the dresser, where Jacob died. I have one more week to go until he has been gone for an entire year. I didn't just cry, I wailed. I am not even sure I have ever cried like that before. I suppose it needed to be done, and I am quite sure I have been avoiding it like the plague. There was some screaming, too, and my sweet husband, who probably wasn't quite sure what to do with me as I wigged out, just sat there and cried with me, as I was reminded I wasn't the only one who had lost our baby.

I want little two year old chocolate arms to hug my neck so tightly, the way Jacob did. I want to hear the sound of his little voice. Did you know that I can't remember what he sounded like? I happened to find the video of pictures I had made to play during his adoption party...you know...the one we were preparing for the day he died?? I hit play to see if I could watch and had forgotten that I recorded his little voice saying his name on the video. It wasn't the same voice that I had remembered. I have to really try hard to remember his laugh...and it was a hilarious, chipmunk like laugh. How could I forget that? Sometimes I have a hard time picturing him in my head.

I WANT MY BABY BACK!!! I want my LIFE back. I want to stop crying. I want to go a day without being reminded of what I have lost. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I want to sleep through the night. I want to have energy during the day. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to be a good wife. I want to stop having to drive past the @#$% cemetery every stinking day. I want to be able to walk past little chocolate kids without feeling that knot in my stomach. I want to be a good friend...the kind that you all have been to me. I WANT OUT OF THIS!!!!! I AM DONE!

And then I am reminded...that none of this is any surprise to God. I know this in my heart of hearts. Patrick knows it, too. And I know everything is for my good. I also know that without suffering, there can be no mercy.

And mom...I will be fine...please don't call me because I don't really want to talk about it. I am going to bed early and will fine tomorrow.

One more thing...

2009-08-13T15:59:00.004-05:00

I know...two posts in one day is truly a record for me! (Don't miss the post below from earlier today.)

Sometimes I forget what I pray for. Then the prayers are answered and later I suddenly realize, "Hey...I prayed for that!" Such is what has been happening today. A few days ago, I prayed that God would show me encouragement and confirmation regarding His promise of adoption to us through my friends. I was also searching the Word, but I needed it from all sides.

Yesterday, several of my dear friends were talking and revealed some things that confirmed what we are doing and also encouraged me greatly. Today, I received a phone call from a dear friend and we had almost the exact converasation as I had yesterday. Yet more encouragement and another confirmation. And here within the last 15 minutes, I have had two different emails of encouragement. I am going to share one with you as it has touched my heart in a way I cannot express and now I just sit here in awe of our Father and His love for our silly little needs and desires.

Hi Tracy,

I just read your blog and I thought of this devotional that someone sent to me recently. This is your time for rest and healing. God will strengthen you in due season, but for now, rest in Him, just like the prophet Elijah had to rest right at the height of his ministry.

God bless you,
Ladonna

Contradictory Truths, Part Two
by Charles R. Swindoll
1 Kings 19:9-21

God often delivers His best gifts to us in unexpected ways . . . with surprises inside the wrappings. Through apparent contradictions. Somewhat like the therapy He used when Elijah was so low, so terribly disillusioned.

How did the Lord minister to him? By an earthquake? In a whirlwind? Through a scorching fire? You'd expect all the above since Elijah was such a passionate, hard-charging prophet. But no. The story from 1 Kings 19 makes it clear that Jehovah was not in the earthquake or the wind or the fire. Too obvious. Too predictable. That's not the Sovereign's style.

After all the hullabaloo died down, there came "a gentle blowing" and shortly thereafter, ever so softly, "a voice" came to him (vv. 12-13) with words of reassurance and affirmation. Not, "You oughta be ashamed of yourself!" Or "What's a man of your stature doing in a crummy place like this?" None of that. No blame, no shame, no sermon, no name-calling, no blistering rebuke. In contradiction to the popular idea of confrontation (and surely surprising to Elijah himself), the Lord encouraged His friend to go on from there. He gave him a plan to follow, a promise to remember, and a traveling companion to help him make it through the night.

Another mysterious back-door delivery . . . another victim of despair rescued from the pit. No wonder Paul burst forth in praise of God's wisdom and knowledge by exclaiming:

How unsearchable are His judgments . . . [how] unfathomable His ways! (Romans 11:33b)

About the time we think we've got the whole picture in finite focus, an infinite hand quickly grabs the camera, changes lenses on us, points in another direction, and has us take an entirely different picture. Yet to our amazement, when everything is developed, we get the one thing we wanted all our lives through a process we would never have chosen.

It's like the anonymous poet's profound admission:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn to humbly obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I had hoped for.
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Excerpted from Come Before Winter and Share My Hope, Copyright © 1985, 1994 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission.

Dear God...thank you for my friends and may your blessings fall on each one of them.

"The Lord merely SPOKE...

2009-08-13T14:15:00.004-05:00

and the Heavens were created."

That's all. So why do I doubt that God can give us the baby He promised us? I don't know. That's why I am asking all of you blog stalkers!! Is it true that I have already forgotten, after only 3 months, how God brought "E" to us out of the seemingly "blue"?? Her situation was not one that I had to go out and hunt after.

"He breathed the word, and all the stars were born."

Patrick and I had a talk on August 7, our 16th anniversary, about how to proceed with our lives after our failed adoption last week. I was fully prepared for him to say, "Tracy, we have been through enough this year. I can't watch you lose anything/anyone else. We need to be done." I was ready for this answer and was at peace with whatever Patrick said. But, this wasn't his answer. His answer was, "I still want to adopt a baby girl. We are not finished."

As many of you only know Patrick through the little bit I write about him (it is MY blog you know), you probably have no idea of the impact of his statement. While God promised me Emma Claire almost 4 years ago, now, God had not changed Patrick's heart to be on board with this until recently. Until Jacob died, we were not even sure that Samara and Josiah were to be ours forever and now I wanted to add yet ANOTHER baby to the mix. Patrick has always been my Mr. Steady. He wants whatever makes me happy and don't think I haven't used that to my advantage! And yes, all you people who are much better than me...I know it was wrong!

But this time, I just shut my mouth and prayed. I finally matured enough to know that I needed to hear from God, through my husband. And last week, God spoke through Patrick. I have also been asking God to reaffirm that promise. Let me know if somehow I misinterpreted what has been going on. I'd like to share with you some of what God has been speaking to me this last week.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

"How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps." Proverbs 20:24

"I trust in the Lord. I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemy but have set me in a safe place." Psalm 31:7-8

And today...as I was praying for a Word to tell me we need to keep moving forward with adoption and the promise I was given:

"For the word of the Lord holds true, and everything He does is worthy of our trust. The Lord shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes. But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33: 4, 10-11

We will go back online with http://www.christianadoption.com in the next couple of weeks. We are waiting until we get past the one year anniversary of Jacob's death to move forward with this.

As far as prayers, you guys are so good at it, I don't even have to tell you what to pray anymore! :) I would appreciate prayers for strength. Since coming home from the hospital last week, I am just exhausted. I want to sleep all the time. I am pretty sure it is my body dealing with the emotional stress of the situation, but still...I hate needing a nap 2-3 times a day!

The day after...

2009-08-05T14:19:00.002-05:00

I am still okay. God has intevened in a mighty way here in my life the past few days, a way that I am having trouble comprehending. I keep waiting for this tragic turn of events to hit me in a way that would leave me unable to function. I just don't think that is going to happen. Today, I woke up without trembling. I am able to eat. I am able to think about the future and am excited about the planning that will involve. (For those of you who only know me as the mom who lost her 2 year old, I used to be quite the organized planner type person...enough to make you sick!!) My kids are still color coded, but that's for another blog.

As I look back on the past week, I can see now that God protected me from attaching to that baby. Sure, I held her, fed her, changed her, loved on her, comforted her, but today, I am not mourning that loss. I don't even miss her. What's wrong with me? Maybe because I knew she was never mine? I suppose I had been looking forward to the IDEA of Emma for so long, the IDEA is what was lost. I have absolutely no attachment to that baby. I am sad that Emma will be forced into the foster care system, just a number, but God is ultimately in control of her life. I did not conceive a baby that was born addicted to cocaine and marijuana. Just like my other kiddos...I did not give Jacob his Sensory issues, Josiah RAD nor did I give Samara attachment issues. Fortunately, God has used me in their lives and I am thankful for that, but a lifetime with this little baby was not the plan. God used us for whatever purpose He had for us and that purpose has been fulfilled.

I have had many people say they think DHS will call us for this baby...I don't think so. I also do not believe, unless God were to change my heart, that I could take her even if we were called. She is a DHS baby now. I am out of DHS with no regrets! My focus is on my family that is here, living in my house daily. I don't know what God has in store for us, well, I know SOME things, but they do not involve a new baby. And still, I am at peace. TOTAL peace with how this turned out. And here is what God promised me today in my Bible reading:

"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

And then right after:

"Don't say 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord to handle the matter. The Lord despises double standards; He is not pleased by dishonest scales." Proverbs 20:22-23

Lest you think God has forgotten me.

About 8-9 years ago, I was in a Bible study. I don't remember the details, but I do remember popping off in class, saying "I am totally fine being a mediocre Christian, if it means I don't have to go through any heartache." It must have been a Beth Moore study, but I was thinking along the lines of Anne Graham Lotz, and some other very spiritual people that I looked up to. Each one of them had gone through some sort of tragedy in their lives. I didn't want that and if that's what had to happen to become "spiritual", then I would pass.

Ummmm...yeah. Well, God obviously had different plans for this "mediocre" Christian! The journey has been very painful, but I am reaping what has been sown. There is a song by Point of Grace called "Heal the Wound" that I hope to sing one day as I give my testimony...somewhere...because as painful as this journey is, God has shown Himself to me in a mighty way, in a way that I know whatever comes my way, God is good, all the time. God does EVERYTHING...not just some things, but EVERYTHING for OUR own good. Knowing that makes the process a little easier.

Heal the Wound:

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Call to me and I will answer you...

2009-08-04T13:19:00.002-05:00

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:2-3)

I have called out to Him and He has answered. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, His answer is "no".

We will not be adopting Emma Claire. It's done. I am done.

"E" showed up at the DHS office, with a family member (whom I didn't know existed after spending the majority of my time with "E" for the last 12 weeks) and said she would NOT relinquish her rights to us, she did not want me to have her baby. Now...before I get anymore "anonymous" comments about what I should or shouldn't say regarding "E", all I have ever done is try to help her. It hasn't even been about the baby most of the time, it has all been about "E". If you are trying to be a friend to me and are worried about my well being, please sign your name.

I have not ONE regret as to how "E" was treated by me. God is my judge, and while I am sure I didn't do everything right with "E", I did my very best to care for her. My only regret at this point is the time she took away from my family. I will not allow that to happen again. My children are just now getting their "mom" back since Jacob died. We cannot put them through this rollercoaster any longer.

As far as pursuing further adoptions, I really can't say. Today, at this time, I would say "no", but I am exhausted. I do know, however, that I will not be working for one. God will have to lay it in our laps. And who knows, my promise was that when we got "Emma Claire", we would be done. We had her...so maybe we are done.

How is Tracy doing? I am at perfect peace. I can't tell you what a relief it has been to know it's over. I am disappointed, of course, but I know God isn't finished with me. I have a new ministry in the wings that I am excited about, I get to spend time with my kids without interuption (oh how I have missed that!), I don't have to worry about all the phone calls, worrying if "E" is going to show up for her appointments, worrying if she is safe, and DHS is still out of our home! I will have time for my husband, who has been so supportive and helpful in all of this.

It's kind of strange, but there is also a bit of excitement. I believe the not knowing is the hardest part. And now we know.

Please pray for my kids...they have been through more than they deserve. They have planned for Emma as much as we have. I feel like this whole process has been so much about ME, that I have ignored their needs some. I am finished! I am the mom!!

And due to recent events...our school year will start SOONER than planned...sshhh...don't tell my kids yet...remember...they've been through a lot! :)

It has taken me awhile to write this post due to interuptions, but since I started, I am even MORE at peace. We have already started making some plans as a family and I am excited!

Do I feel like I wasted my time with "E"? Well, yes, as I have nothing to show for it, but I am sure if I could see the BIG picture, God would show me that kindness is never wasted. "E" was brought into our lives so we could be Jesus to her. That has happened and cannot be changed. A couple of weeks ago, when "E" was at the mental hospital, one of the nurses was laughing at her because she calls me "mama". The nurse told her I couldn't be her "mama" because I sounded too young on the phone. (We are the same age.) We were laughing about that and I said, "E, why DO you call me mama?" She got a little embarassed looking and said, "It's because you treat me just like I'm one of your own and nobody has ever treated me that way before." She knows. I believe Satan has her mind right now, but ultimately, "E" knows I loved her and tried to do what was best for her.

"In my distress, I cried unto the Lord, and He heard me." Psalm 120:1

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm ??

"Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. He will honor you, giving you the land." Psalm 37:34

"As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now." Psalm 40:17

I found these verses in a notebook I grabbed to write down a number this morning. I had written them down 2 years ago. God can use just about ANYTHING to speak to us!

No weapon formed against you shall prosper...

2009-08-03T19:31:00.002-05:00

Amazing how a phone call can change your day, your plans, your life. But that's really all it takes.

After being told the hospital just needed our paperwork faxed, we were still told Emma would not be released to us until they went before the asstistant district attorney (ADA). So, I came home last night, intending on staying here with my family for the evening, and then going back today. I no more than got out of the parking garage that I couldn't leave Emma. I did...so I could take my bath and grab some new clothes, but I went back to the hospital to be with Emma. I was gone maybe 2 hours! I just couldn't do it as much as I wanted to be home. People were praying and we had a really good night, with Emma sleeping about 3 hours at a time. The best part was because she has been released medically, nobody came into our room to mess with her at all hours of the night.

Then we awoke today, hoping the ADA would look at our paperwork and say we could take Emma home, then get the relinquishment paperwork to them when we got it. This is a totally normal thing to do as birth moms aren't even out of the hospital this quick sometimes, and sometimes they go home on heavy medication and are not up to showing up in court right away. It was a slam dunk...what they always do.

Well...if you have been reading my blog for long, there ARE no slam dunks! ADA said that as soon as they received a copy of the relinquishment papers for "E", then they would release the baby. So we got a court hearing this afternoon. Problem was...no "E". She got her check and no telling how much of it she spent on drugs. I spent an hour praying and driving around looking for her before going up to court hoping she would show. (Her brother was looking for her, too.) About 10 minutes before court, she called me yelling...she was high and is a mean druggie. Needless to say, she was in no condition to go into court. So, no Emma today.

At this point (my attorney is STILL working on this, bless her heart, as well as the DHS workers involved...minus the ADA...nobody understands why this is all happening and really want Emma placed with us) we have two options to get Emma into our home.

1 - "E" calls me and shows up sober to relinquish her rights. Emma would automatically come to us.

2 - DHS would open our home as a kinship foster placement. Then if/when "E" shows up to relinquish, DHS would dismiss the case and we would go on with our adoption.

#1 would be the best outcome...easiest/quickest for all involved, but #2 seems the most likely outcome as "E" won't likely call for a few days, if ever again. Worst case, "E" never shows again, Emma becomes a foster/adopt placement and we adopt her through DHS. While in some ways, I am tempted to go this route. I know...I hate DHS...but it's for Emma. Also, I am worried about "E's" behavior in court. No telling what she might say, plus if she decided to change her mind, the baby would go into DHS custody, anyway. If Emma is ALREADY in DHS custody and "E" comes around saying she changed her mind, it won't matter. "E" would be considered an automatic termination case due to her past DHS history (which I just found out about.) Same result, would just take longer.

Our next issue. We need DHS (our county) to approve us to open our home back up. I have spent this afternoon talking to many higher up people regarding this and am hopeful. Our prayer is that those in control will open our home and be done with it. We can bring Emma home tomorrow if that happens. Please be in prayer about this (I know you all have prayed enough for me already to last my whole lifetime.)

My "old" workers in our county are on top of this. One person (the hardest one to reason with) was out today, but will be back tomorrow. As long as she okays it, we can open our home again. I just wanted to mention that my licensing worker has been a God send...she has been so helpful and encouraging and she didn't even have to take my call. I love her. (I did the whole time she was our worker!) The OK county workers want us to have this baby. They are making calls like you wouldn't believe and trying to get around the ADA's ruling (as is my attorney tomorrow.) So...I left Emma tonight at the hospital. I am almost sick because of the stress and not being home since last Wednesday. I need to be home. I felt a peace leaving her tonight (after talking with the hospital's social worker for an hour in our room...she thinks we are the perfect placement and can't understand all the crap.)

I think I am also letting go a little bit. A couple of days ago, I wasn't ready to let her go. I wasn't okay with this being God's plan. Today, I am. Maybe because I'm exhausted and have no feelings left in me, I don't know, but I do know (mostly because of all you facebook friends who have encouraged me daily) that God has a plan...STILL! So, whatever happens, I am okay. I think. Don't get me wrong...I want more than ANYTHING to bring that tiny baby home. How will I tell my kids that we lost ANOTHER baby? I can handle me...I can't handle my kids grieving anymore.

So...I come home. I spend some time with my husband who I missed terribly, ate some real food (lost 5 pounds at the hosptial) and took my bath. As I was ready my "Power of a Praying Parent", today's prayer is on protection. Fitting, huh? And I read the first verse...then the second...then...well, here...you read them:

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust." Psalm 91:1-2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord." Isaiah 54:17

"Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling." Psalm 91-9-10

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

And earlier, I chose to read Psalm 31, because it's the day Emma was born and I didn't have my regular "through the year" Bible...read it...it was perfect for me today.

So, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have many people to call, but I am so weary. My prayer is that those in charge will do all the work and just call me to tell me it's time to pick up my baby.

In the meantime, I am still aware of who is ultimately in control and tonight I will "both lie down in peace and sleep".

Update...

2009-08-02T12:18:00.003-05:00

The morning didn't start out well, as I was told that we would have to stay another day because - guess what? DHS didn't do their job. I know you all are SHOCKED!! As am I! :)

Needless to say, I was in tears. I haven't slept since Wednesday and Ashlee is leaving for camp tomorrow. I need to be home TODAY! So, I am reminded that God is in control of all of this and is and will always be, bigger than DHS.

I told God that He was going to have to intercede because I can't stay here again and I need to be home with my kids. (I know...I'm such a baby and I know there are lots of worse things that could be going on...but remember...no sleep since Wednesday and I am an eight hour a night kind of gal!)

About 10 minutes later, the nurse came in and said she had talked to the hospital social worker (who started all the mess) and said all they need is a copy of the signed by the judge order giving us temporary custody. We did this on Friday and it was faxed to the worker already. (By the way...the hospital needing a copy of the order is totally normal.)

The next prayer was that I could get in touch with my attorney. I did within about 30 minutes and she is going to take time away from HER family (thanks DHS) to get the paperwork from her office and faxed AGAIN to the hospital.

As it stands now, as soon as the paperwork is faxed here, we can go home. PRAISE GOD!!! Our prayer now is for no more bumps in this rocky road! Tracy needs her recliner!

As for Emma, she is a miracle, as we all know. The doctors keep saying how amazed they are that they can't find anything wrong with her. Just from the things I DO know about her life in the womb, she should have major problems. But this baby has been bathed in prayer (and know in pink Johnson's lotion) for the past 10 weeks, so we shouldn't be surprised.

Meet Emma Claire

2009-08-01T14:47:00.003-05:00

We had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, July 29, just a regular visit. Because of "E's" behavior and addictions, the doctor decided that Emma would be safer outside the womb. We had an amnio done to check for lung maturity and were back at the doctor on Thursday for the results. Lungs were good, so they sent us to labor and delivery to be induced. WOOHOO!!!

At about 11:00pm, the doctor came in and said "E" was in a latent phase and would not deliver until the next afternoon. I decided, in all my wisdom, to go home and sleep. The nurse was to call when "E" was at a "9". At 3am, I got a call that "E" was at a "6" and her water broke, I had better get up there. As I was walking toward the room, "E" called to tell me she had had the baby. I called her a liar and she laughed. When I got to the labor and delivery floor, the nurse said that not 5 minutes after she called, she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, so she lifted up the blanket to adjust the monitor, and there was Emma's head already delivered! So, I missed it. But I am okay with that. I am a results person, I don't really care for the process. Oh...and "E" slept through the entire thing...the nurse was in shock!!

So, Emma Claire was born at 3:04am, July 31st, weighing 6 lbs, 5 oz, 19 inches long. She is perfectly healthy, other than some tremors that are getting better. We were moved into a room by ourselves to start our lives together.

All was going well, when DHS decided that they hadn't interfered with our lives enough. Evidently, they are afraid that "E" will not show up to sign the relinquishment papers next week. I have no doubt that she WILL, besides the fact that I know where to find her. SO, we had about 5 hours of DHS telling us that they were taking the baby into custody and going to try and get us approved as a kinship home. WHAT???? I told them in not very kind words that there was NO way we were doing DHS again, all the while trying to explain to them that we had a lawyer and all the paperwork in place already. Well, the worker enjoyed her power and also had very little knowledge of the system. (That last statement is purely my own opinion.) I proceeded to call my old licensing worker (remember...we closed our home to DHS a couple of months ago!) and she was all over it. She couldn't believe the gall of the worker, stating that there was NO reason to take the baby if there is already a plan in place. Our county called the OK county director to have this stopped, and the county director agreed. The worker here at the hospital was still demanding a bunch of crap from us, but in the meantime, our fabulous attorney filed the paperwork for temporary custody to go to US. Last I heard, the documents had all been faxed to the appropriate people, so PLEASE pray that when we go to check out of the hospital tomorrow morning, that everyone has done their job and we can go home. It's one thing to sit in a hospital room when you are sick, but I AM NOT SICK!!!! And my family is doing things at home like ordering pizza and having movie night...WITHOUT ME!! (I have a fantastic hubby...who happens to look HUGE when he holds Emma!) So....if I have to stay one more night because of DHS...Howard Hendricks WILL be hearing from me. (As a matter of fact, my worker told me to call him yesterday! He's the director of DHS!)

So...today is a better day. I also found out (since writing that last paragraph) that social workers do work weekends here at the hospital, so that is a huge relief.

"E" left the hospital today. She was scheduled to have her tubes tied, but backed out last minute. And by last minute, I mean laying on the table with the IV already in. Please continue to pray that "E" will turn her life around and surrender fully to Christ. She has the information, she just has to choose to follow. She did not hold Emma, but she did come and visit us frequently and talked/touched her. She said she is very happy with her decision, and she genuinely acted happy and relieved. But somewhere, deep down, she has to be sad. I have seen a sadness in her eyes before...like she can see a life that could have been. I love "E" for the gift she has given our family. I would also ask that you would continue to pray as "E" will need to show up for court sometime next week to sign her relinquishment papers. I don't doubt she will do it once she is there, but I am pretty sure she is anxious to get back to her lifestyle. I will see her on Monday and promised her pictures of Emma.

I want to thank you all, again, for your continued prayers. I wept as I read all of your responses when I would ask for prayers for different issues yesterday on facebook. I am amazed at God's family and how He has designed His children to pray for one another. I have spent the last year of my life being fervantly prayed for and I feel a little guilty that there has been so much for you to pray for me about! I want to be the one praying for YOU! But, God has kept me in a place of healing and used you all to intercede on my behalf. How glorious is the family of God! I want you to know that God is allowing me to come out of this state...I can feel it.

I suppose I should sleep while Emma sleeps...I just wanted you all to see God's promise fulfilled in our Emma. This song from the new Selah CD explains how my heart feels...we have not been "unredeemed".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfGbcjCVDOs

The time has come...

2009-07-29T19:25:00.002-05:00

"Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful." Romans 12:12

I took "E" to her OB appointment today. I was a little disappointed because we have conflicting due dates ("E" keeps giving them different dates) and the dr last time wouldn't go by our ultrasound because it wasn't done at their hospital. (Picture my eyes rolling!) So she said we could induce on the due date, August 17. So I asked her if it was really safer for the baby to remain in the womb at this point with all the drugs that "E" is on, both legal and illegal. She said she was thinking the same thing and would talk to her boss. She came back in and said "We have two options. We can deliver the baby next week, OR, we can do an amnio to check lung maturity and deliver you today." WHAT?? But, "E" has a date with a "friend". (Another eye roll.) So, we are scheduled to go in tomorrow for a non-stress test and decide when she can be admitted. The doctor who did the amnio said he wants baby out by the weekend! WOOHOO!!!

That means Emma will be here in the next few days! This was a very welcome surprise and an answer to many prayers on Emma's behalf.

I will post pictures as soon as we have some to post!!

Still waiting...

2009-07-23T22:43:00.005-05:00

(Patty...this is for you!)

Well, still no baby Emma. "E" will leave the mental hospital tomorrow, so Praise God she has had 10 days of great care. He hasn't let me down so far, so I refuse to worry about "E" and the rest of her pregnancy. "E" is doing so much better, has gained weight, has her diabetes under control, etc. BUT...tomorrow she goes back to the lifestyle she is accustomed to, so please pray for her protection and health for the next 3 weeks. "E" did tell me that being in the mental hospital made her feel good about herself...you know...being around all those crazy people. (Her words...not mine!) I am still praying she goes into labor before she actually gets out tomorrow...just so you know!

_____________________________________________________________________

On Sunday, July 19, Jacob would have turned 3 years old. The actual birthday was not as hard as the anticipation of the birthday...but then again, I had SO many people praying for me. I will NEVER be able to thank you all enough, or repay you even a portion of what you deserve. One of my faithful friends gave me this for Jacob's birthday:

It's a little hard to see, but it has Jacob's name, with 2 each of three stones. July, for his birthday, September for the day we got him, and August for the day we finalized his adoption. I had mentioned to a group of my friends that I had found a place that would make jewelry of "your story" and I was thinking about getting something, but had no idea she would do this for me. I cried. But it was sweet tears.

Another one of my faithful friends and her family went to Jacob's graveside and let off balloons in honor of his birthday.

How sweet was that??? She also offered to bring me chocolate! But I was doing okay. I have the BEST friends, EVER!! God is so good to me.

Today, I started working on school stuff for the next school year. God has healed my heart in such amazing ways. I get so excited when I look back at the day and see how much I have accomplished. I have only just started to feel like the "real" Tracy and I have truly missed her.

At some point at the beginning of this long journey, I pretty much told God that I couldn't do this for more than a year. My kids need me. Of course, He told me that they really didn't, they only needed Him, but whatever. :) I am just so excited for the future. God is my hope and He has proven Himself to me over and over again.

"Yet what we suffer now is NOTHING compared to the glory He will give us later..." Romans 8:18

The Voice of Truth

2009-07-15T21:30:00.002-05:00

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

You might have noticed a pattern here, but God speaks to me many time through music. I have always loved music and have been considered very "musical". I believe God gifted me musically so that He could use it to speak to me. So, this Casting Crowns song is the one I have clung to this past week.

God has also been speaking to me about choices. We all make choices. Every single event that takes place in our lives has to do with choices. You may disagree, as there are events that happen that we have absolutely no control over, for instance, Jacob's death. I did not choose for him to die, but choices were made in how we responded to that death and how we chose to live our lives after the tragedy. Every single day I choose to get up and go on with my life. I choose to allow Christ to guide me and hold me in His hand. I choose to allow joy in the sorrow. (As someone said to me this week, we allow sorrow to interrupt our joy, why don't we allow joy to interrupt our sorrow?) I choose not to hide in my room from the rest of my family. I choose not to place blame on how Jacob died. I choose to plan and hope for our future, even though it no longer includes Jacob.

AND IT'S HARD!!!! Some days, like today, I just want to give up. I want to say "forget you all, I'll be in my room"! I am tired. I want my life back. I am fed up with people. I want some peace in my life! ("the voice of truth says this is for my glory")

But what I want to do is not really Biblical and I choose to follow Christ as closely as possible. Which is why, through leaning on Him explicitly, when you come to my home, I'm not locked in the closet. (Well, normally, unless I am trying to get away from a 3 year old!) I am hoping for the future because I know without a doubt that when God allows something like losing your 2 year old baby you worked SO hard to save from the life he was born into, that God is also planning on using you in a mighty way, someday, somehow, somewhere. And somewhere, in the grief, the pain, the memories, the unexpected pictures in your head, there is excitement and anticipation about what God has in store.

With that being said, let me fill you in on a little bit of what has been going on with me this week that has God speaking to me in such a way. Her name is "E" and we were introduced to one another almost 8 weeks ago. In those 8 weeks, a very strange friendship has emerged. She is carrying our baby, Emma Claire. She has a mental illness and is a drug addict. She has choices to make every day, just like the rest of us. Right now, she is NOT choosing to live her life in such a way that is safe for her, or Emma Claire.

Today, because "E" has made some very bad choices, she checked herself into the mental health hospital. She will be there for at least a week, I am praying they will keep her longer (like until she goes into labor). I have been praying for the past week that God would protect Emma Claire and "E" and once again, He has answered my prayer, just when I couldn't figure out in my feeble mind how He could possibly protect my baby while in "E's" womb! Since "E" is pregnant, and high risk (mental illness, Type A diabetes, addict) she has been assigned to a high risk doctor and I was told they would be monitoring the baby closely. Hallelujah! She is also just around the corner from the maternity ward in case she should go into labor. I love "E" when she is just a mental patient...I do NOT love "E" when the drugs are involved. I will also receive a little break as "E" can only use the phone and have visitors certain times of the day, so I will not have to "rescue" her for the next week.

Please pray...she is a Christian. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong. Please pray that she would choose to give her life back over to Christ. HE is her only hope, just as he is OUR only hope.

We are due in 4 1/2 weeks. I came home today after sitting with "E" for about 3 hours and was weary. The thoughts were going through my head, "Why can't this be easier, God??" "Let's just be done with it!" And then I realized, that once again, this is not about me. This is for HIS glory, and HIS alone. It's not about what a good person I am for taking in these drug babies. It's about my willingness and obedience to do the hard things that are going to lead more people to Him in the end. So, my 3 hours "wasted" today was a small sacrifice for the giant things that could end up glorifying Him.

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

So, let's not get tired....

2009-07-09T21:30:00.003-05:00

"So let’s not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don’t give up." Galatians 6:9

This passage keeps finding it's way into my Bible, my computer, my EVERYTHING! And I am REALLY tired!

"E" is doing really good...for an addict who lives on the street. She is very good at what she does, and that is to manipulate. And since she is carrying MY Emma Claire, I am a very good target. I have figured her out though, thanks to my many dealings with drug addict bio parents. (THANKS, DHS!!) We had a come to Jesus meeting today that in my own head played out more like Smackdown with the white chic from the suburbs winning! (Thanks for the visual, Amanda!) I think I have been enabling her a little. I have been looking at her as this poor soul with a mental illness who cannot help herself. When the true issue at hand is her drug addiction. Drugs make her a different person, and it has nothing to do with her illness. She has assured me that she is a Christian. She nailed down where and when her decision was made, and we talked in depth. She also informed me that she is "backslidden"...her words. We talked about the benefits of turning her life around, but the drugs have a hold on her that won't allow her to turn away. Please continue to pray for her. As much as I want to beat her down sometimes (especially today), I want more than anything for her to turn her life around...what a story THAT would be to tell Emma one day!

I just have to remember that not getting tired of doing good, does NOT mean it's okay to be taken advantage of. And with that, comes the whole faith thing God has been teaching me on a daily basis. You'd think I'd be better at it by now.

Now onto the fun stuff. We had a doctor's appointment today. "E's" blood pressure, diabetes, etc was all good today. She even told the doctor that she had done marijuana and got drunk last night. (As if coming clean makes it all better.) The crappy ER ultrasound machine has "E" with a due date of August 30. (This is because Emma is big now and "E" keeps changing dates.) So, we are scheduled for induction on August 24. I asked the doctor if she thought we would make it to that date considering the lifestyle "E" is living and she said "Absolutely not." So, we have no idea when this baby is coming, but I would ask that you all would continue (because I know you already are) praying for Emma's protection in a womb that is being bombarded. We go back in two weeks, with an ultrasound in 4 weeks.

Enough of that. Today was a hard day with "E" and I am weary. But, God's promises cannot fail. I will keep doing good, no matter what choices "E" makes, and God will bless me accordingly.

Having said that, something ELSE exciting is happening. For the past 2 years, I have done very little in my church. That doesn't mean I haven't been serving God, just not in the church. For the year before Jacob died, I was unable to leave Josiah in class at church due to his Reactive Attachment Disorder. Then you all know why I haven't served in the past year. But, recently, I had begun praying that God would show me if, when, and where He would have me serve in our church. A couple of weeks ago, a friend of mine at church asked me if I would be interested in teaching with her. She is starting a class for a group of ladies who are currently in rehab and who have recently accepted Christ. We will be teaching a new Christian type of class. Did you get that??? RECOVERING DRUG ADDICTS...and ME! Don't you for a minute think that God has not used DHS and my kids (and even "E") to prepare my heart for this new ministry. As I was praying for a place to serve, the thought crossed my mind more than once that when Emma comes, our time serving drug babies would be finished, and I am at peace with that. But I also know that when God closes one door, He opens another. And what is funny to me is how He prepares us along the way without us even being aware of it! And that is probably a good thing because had you told me 3-4 years ago that this is the path I would be walking, I would have laughed at you! Isn't God good??

____________________________________________________________________________________

4th of July did not turn out as planned. We had a minor injury, but it was one of those things that COULD have been major! Justin is fine, but he is really hoping for a scar. Boys are weird. We also got rained out of watching fireworks from the boat on the Oklahoma River. It's okay though...I was tired from doing inventory of our 3 freezers and 2 pantries! For those of you who only know me through this blog, I was once a highly organized (anal) person. I feel like I am finally becoming myself again and this would be proof! I can't tell you how easy making my 2 week menu from an inventory was! I chose foods I had and easily made a list of what I needed. And what is scary is how exciting all of this was to me! As my friend Shadawn tells me, I probably DO need therapy!

Here is the best picture I could get from uncooperative children for the 4th of July but as punishment to them, I promised to post it on my blog! Enjoy and I really don't care that all of your children sat perfectly still with perfect smiles and perfect attitudes. (And if you happened to be in my neighborhood you did NOT hear me yelling at my children in the front yard that I was going to beat the everloving snot out of them if they did not look at me, open their eyes and SMILE!!!)

Hope you had a great 4th! We will try again next year!

4th of July...and my dad...

2009-07-03T23:14:00.006-05:00

Well, I promised you a post about my dad...and the 4th of July. So here it is!

For the last 11 years, and possibly before that, our family (including my parents and my sister's family) have spent the 4th of July together. Fireworks aren't really our "thing", so we had to improvise. It started out with watermelon seed spitting...in my mom's garden...just to irritate her. Yeah, it's kind of sad, but that was how we made our "memories"! And the next Spring, we got to "relive" our memories as we all sat and watched Mom pick watermelon plants out of her garden, and also out of her yard. Some of us weren't very good spitters!

That evolved over the years to watergun and water balloon fights, as we added more grandkids and they got older. But maybe I need to explain a couple of things about my dad before I go on. My dad is very competitive. If we ever won a game of checkers against him, it was because we EARNED it! He NEVER let us win ANYTHING!

He also never gives up. Unless he is winning. And he doesn't necessarily play fair, no matter what your age is. Therefore, as this story progresses, you will see that the grandkids have learned a few things about Paw Paw George in their short years!

In 2007, things really got out of hand. The plan was for the kids to play in the water, fish, and ride in the boat.

All was going well, the kids were playing well together, until someone who should remain nameless, (but I don't mind ratting you out UNCLE BRIAN) told Bryce, who was a mere 8 years old at the time, that it would be funny to shoot Paw Paw George with a watergun. Poor Paw Paw George, just fishing by the lake, minding his own business. So, because Bryce thought THAT would be a good idea, war was started.

Since Paw Paw George had not planned on this sort of attack, he had to act fast and improvise and what else would a loving grandfather do, but STEAL the waterguns FROM his grandkids!!! I am not sure how many he collected, but there were a few kids left without a weapon!

So then, THEY had to improvise. The kids found the waterhose and used that for awhile....

Until Paw Paw George got those away from the kids, too!

And then, when the kids regained control of the situation (thanks to a little help from their daddies), Paw Paw George disappeared...as did the water. He had gone into the house, locked all the doors, filled up HIS waterguns (you know, the ones he had previously stolen from the poor grandchildren) and then turned off the water to the house!! Seriously?? How is that fair???

He then came out and attacked the kids. They gave up and that was the end of the watergun wars of 2007.

Then came 2008. These kids have a little of their Paw Paw in them and they started planning their revenge shortly after their defeat! They held meetings, planned strategy, and were totally prepared. They found waterguns that you can screw in 2 liter bottles into! They were the COOLEST guns ever! So, the kids stashed their water bottle supplies all around the house, as well as a vast supply of water balloons. They were ready for ANYTHING Paw Paw George might throw at them. Nobody was turning their water supply off this year!

So, after the food was eaten, the kids gave the signal (and the warning to those of us NOT participating) and once again, it was WAR!! The kids made their attack and Paw Paw George had NO idea! You see, THIS 4th of July, he had planned on taking the kids to the boat parade on the Oklahoma River, to watch the fireworks. He had NO idea what was planned for him! And as much pleading and bribery that went on, those kids would NOT be talked into going to the "other" side to help him. He did end up with one measley watergun, but the kids won this war!

Needless to say, the kids haven't stopped talking about their victory against Paw Paw George. And his response? "Next year, I'm gonna have a watergun that will kill a cat!" So, I am not sure what to expect tomorrow...the kids have been planning, but haven't let us in on anything. Maybe they will all be saved by the rain we are supposed to have tomorrow evening??

Happy 4th of July! Go make some memories!!

"I'm not asking you to take them out of the world...

2009-07-01T22:41:00.005-05:00

but to keep them safe from the evil one." John 17:15

This past week and a half, I have been tempted to ask God to take "E" out of the world! WOW! This verse just popped up on my verse of the day and I had to laugh after all that has gone on lately.

I have "E's" permission to share, as she appreciates your prayers, as do I. First of all, I need to tell you that "E" is paranoid schitzophrenic, diabetic, and a cocaine addict. If you met her on the street, she would tell you just that. The mental illness makes her a riot, I mean, she is hilarious because although she is pretty much like a 6 year old, she is also extremely bright. She reads ALL the time and remembers everything she reads. The cocaine makes her grouchy. Although, that could have been the diabetes that she has not been controlling.

So, a week and a half ago, "E" moved out of the maternity home and back onto the streets. It was her decision. I believe that "E" got scared because people were actually loving her and trying to help. She just couldn't handle it. It reminded me a LOT of Samara as she was adjusting to a normal life with us. As soon as things began to be "normal", she would have some sort of meltdown and ruin it. She just couldn't handle the good. "E" has this issue, also.

As I drove her back to her "camp" as she calls it, she became more and more at ease, the closer we got. I suspect that it would be much like taking me out of my nice, comfy home and putting me on the streets to live. NO THANK YOU!!! She was happy again.

On Sunday night, "E" was attacked and hit/kicked in the stomach. (This is after we spent the day Friday at the hospital because she thought she was in labor...she wasn't.) She and Emma were/are fine, but she was kept in the hospital for observation, where they discovered she was very low on potassium and her blood sugars were WAY off. I believe this was a blessing in disguise as "E" didn't even know how bad she felt until all of her stuff was back to normal! While in the hospital, she tested positive for cocaine, so a social worker was brought in. "E" decided she would go into rehab. I went to take her today.

Well, she opted out of rehab. She said it was too hard and she wasn't ready, but that they had given her a bed at the City Mission. Evidently, they have a nurse on hand to help them with their medications and what not. So, God is protecting and taking care of "E" in SPITE of "E"!

It has been a very tiring, emotional week. I am exhausted, but my Bible says "Never tire of doing good." So I will keep on plugging along. Our prayer is that Emma stays in her "cooker" until she is good and done, as long as it is safer there than on the outside. We only have 6 and a half weeks left until her due date!!

In between all the phone calls and drama, I have been preparing for Emma a little bit at a time. Now if I could just keep my house clean!! Enjoy the pictures and as always, I covet the prayers for "E", Emma, and our family!

Diaper bag, "lovey", changing pad, dipes/wipes bag, and a "mom's" pouch. I recovered our car seat to coordinate with the diaper bag. Mostly because I just love this fabric!

These are some more views of the car seat, along with dresses and cloth diapers I made for Emma when she finally gets here!!

Our Daddy...

2009-06-20T10:12:00.004-05:00

I have felt led to write a post about our Daddy, Patrick. It has been on my heart for a couple of months now, but the timing never seemed right. Since Father's Day is tomorrow, I suppose this is the right time!

You might wonder why I am not posting about my OWN dad, (I am sure HE is wondering since he is one of my blog stalkers), but I am saving his post for closer to the 4th of July...you won't want to miss that one. It will give you a glimpse into our family life that will probably explain a lot about why I am the way I am! LOL!

Back to Patrick. For those of you who are women, when you were waiting for your Prince Charming, did you ever have thoughts about your "rescue"? What it would be like if you got into trouble and your Prince had to come to the rescue? Would he fulfill your dreams? Would he be able to fight off the bad guys? How would he react?? How would you react? Well, I have thought all of those things. Fortunately, for most of us, our Prince's never have to rescue us to the extent that Patrick had to rescue me. Let me explain.

Ten months ago (on Tuesday, the 23rd), our family woke up to what should have been a great day of celebration. Instead, we faced a tragedy that we will never understand this side of Heaven. As we heard Justin scream Jacob's name, Patrick beat me to his room. Patrick is the one who helped Justin move the dresser to free Jacob's dangling body. When I arrived in the room, I scooped up Jacob's lifeless body and rushed him to the living room, screaming at Patrick and the kids to run for help (not sure what I thought waking all of the neighbors would do) and call 911. That is the point where I had to be rescued. I was done and could do no more for Jacob. My husband of almost 16 years took the precious, lifeless body of our Jacob from my arms and proceeded to perform CPR for at least 12 minutes. TWELVE MINUTES, by himself, until one of our neighbors arrived.

I have played those minutes over and over in my mind in the past 10 months. No father should ever have to stand over his dead baby, desperately trying with every ounce of his being to bring that baby back. I have no idea what must of been going through his mind during those 12 minutes. I may never know. I do know, however, that Patrick wasn't trying to save Jacob selfishly for himself. (That's what I would have done.) He was trying to save Jacob for all of us. Probably for me, especially. How could you not be in love with a man who did this for you??? My Prince Charming passed the unfathomable test. I have never been able to tell him how much I love him for what he did for Jacob. I suppose I would have to go back to how he allowed God to open our home to Jacob in the first place. And then, how he supported me in all the dealings with DHS as we went through all of the court/foster/adoption challenges. And then, after Jacob died, how he has been very sensitive to my needs, even when I cannot verbalize them. All I have to do is look at him and he knows. How thankful I have been the times he left work early to come home because I needed him. How thankful I am when he takes the kids to church so I can have a couple of hours home by myself to "be still and know that He is God". How thankful I am that he never complained about my inability to fix a meal for the first 6 months after Jacob died. And there are plenty more examples of how Patrick takes care of his family, but I am trying to finish this before we go to lunch! I am so unworthy.

And as I was writing this post about Patrick's love for me and his children, I was reminded of the Father's love for us. I have said many times before when people have said to me, "I could never do foster care...how do you do it? How can you give those babies up?" Well, how can I not? God gave his ONLY son on the cross for ME. The LEAST I can do is love His little ones when asked.

The song that keeps going through my head this morning is this:

How deep the Father's love for us,

How vast beyond all measure

That He should give His only Son

To make a wretch His treasure

How great the pain of searing loss,

The Father turns His face away

As wounds which mar the chosen One,

Bring many sons to glory

Behold the Man upon a cross,

My sin upon His shoulders

Ashamed I hear my mocking voice,

Call out among the scoffers

It was my sin that held Him there

Until it was accomplished

His dying breath has brought me life

I know that it is finished

I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection

Why should I gain from His reward?

I cannot give an answer

But this I know with all my heart

His wounds have paid my ransom.

May you all have a blessed Father's Day...oh...and Patrick...I love you!

It's a.....

2009-06-16T19:22:00.005-05:00

GIRL!!!!!!!!!

"Not a single one of all the good promises the Lord had given to the family of Israel was left unfulfilled; everything He had spoken came true." Joshua 21:45

"And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him." 1 John 5:14

It's official...we have the ultrasound pictures to prove it...our baby girl, Emma Claire, is due on August 17. As far as the ultrasound goes, she is perfectly healthy. At this point, 31 weeks and 1 day, she weighs 3 lbs, 14 ounces. It's no surprise, really, as "E" has gained 9 pounds since she moved into the maternity home almost 2 weeks ago! Did I mention that "E" has had 3 other children (many years ago...they are grown now) and her smallest baby was 10 lbs, 8 oz??? She told me that she doesn't birth babies, she births toddlers!

She is so excited for us. She called me as soon as I got home to see what Patrick and the kids said about the pictures. I prayed that we would have a situation where we could have contact with the birth mother...not sure why...I just wanted that. And here we are. I am going to have to go through my "requests" that God has given me throughout this entire process (the last 4-5 years) and make a list of all the ANSWERED requests! It might take me awhile!

I will tell ya, I was stressing for just a few minutes before we actually "SAW" girl parts...my promise has been that Emma Claire would complete our family. If that ultrasound showed extra "parts", that would mean we weren't finished! God has brought me to a place now that I am ready to be finished. I mean, if Ashlee has a baby at the same age I was when I had her, I will be a grandma in only 8 years! And at this point, I will be homeschooling for 27 years. TWENTY SEVEN YEARS!!! WOW! I am just ready for this chapter of our lives to be complete. I know God has many more things planned for us, for His glory, and I am anxious for the journey.

I would ask for continued prayers for "E" as she will have many mixed emotions, whether she likes it or not. As I told another friend of mine, sometimes God's purpose for us isn't easy...but it is always for the good and for His glory. She is also having some personal issues that have been hurtful to her (not baby related), so I would ask you to pray for her comfort and that she would be able to turn these things over to God.

You guys are the best friends...whether you are my IRL (in real life) friends, or my blog stalker friends, I am privileged to know you.

Would you like to know???

2009-06-10T22:31:00.005-05:00

I bet those of you who are "blog stalkers" get really irritated with me. I get on here and give you exciting news and then POOF....I'm gone. Well, that's just the way I roll!

So, where did we leave off??? Ah...90% chance of getting "E" into the maternity home. Well, we moved her in last Friday. WOOHOO!!! I cannot even express to you how awesome this last week has been. Now, we have not been without incident, but "E" is settled now, getting the medical help she needs, and she is happy. There is another girl in the home with her and they get along great! I was told today that basically, they eat, sleep, and smoke. Unless they run out of food and then they have to run to the grocery store! "E" is so funny.

Back to the home...God has blessed us and "E" with far more than I could imagine. Again, He put certain people in my life, just at the right time, for His purposes.

Last Thursday, we had to go to the Hope Pregnancy Center for a pregnancy test. Now, if you saw "E", she is noticeably pregnant, but for insurance purposes, we had to have proof on paper. So, we go, and because the director goes to our church, I anticipated seeing her and maybe some others from church who volunteer there. Well, what I was not prepared for was to see our pastor's wife come out to speak with "E". REALLY??? My heart swelled at the thought, again, of how God was orchestrating this all. Lana did a wonderful job of ministering to "E". I was so grateful. Thank you, God!

In other news, we officially closed our home to DHS. It has become quite apparent that they had no intentions of using our home in the way they had said. Therefore, we no longer felt the need to allow them to intrude in our lives! That email was SO freeing!!! Plus, in case you didn't know, we are expecting to adopt a baby in AUGUST!!! WOOHOO!!!!

I would love to say something like "DHS was good to us." But, I cannot tell a lie! (Unless of course it involves missing chocolate and Pepsi and then, I didn't see ANYTHING!) I digress. What I CAN say about DHS is that God provided us, through DHS, 3 broken children and allowed us to be a small part of their healing. It was worth the cost. No doubts.

I have been doing a little bit of "nesting". I am making cloth diapers...not just ANY cloth diapers, but CUTE cloth diapers!! And like I have said, because I am a tad bit anal, there are also dresses being made to match, and a girl can't go out in matching dress and dipe without the shoes to go with!!! And that led to matching burp rags, and dipe changing pads and it just goes on and on.

Here is our last foster baby...you know the one who really wasn't "Emma"??? She is modeling for me! They look big, but remember, she was only about 7 lbs when I took this picture!

So, that's what I have been doing. That and spending quite a lot of time with "E". It feels like I have known her way longer than a week and a half. I cannot imagine not knowing her after she allows us to adopt her baby. She calls me each day to let me know she is okay and ask how I am doing. She has told me that she loves me. How humbling. Today she asked me what I was going to name "our" baby. I told her "Emma Claire" and she said, "aww, that's good...don't change your mind". Don't worry! The only thing that would change my mind would be if that baby came out with spare parts! And then, only maybe! :)

I would like for you to keep "E" in your prayers. And I will leave you with a few of the verses I have received in my Inbox this past week...just God telling me to stay the course....

"Live in harmony with each other. Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don't think you know it all." Romans 12:16

"But blessed are those who trust in the Lord and have made the Lord their hope and confidence. They are like trees planted along a riverbank." Jeremiah 17:7-8

"And we are confident that he hears us whenever we ask for anything that pleases him." 1 John 5:14

"Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude." 1 Peter 3:8

"God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort." 2 Corinthians 1:3

"If one person falls, the other can reach out and help.
But someone who falls alone is in real trouble." Ecclesiastes 4:10

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...I post this blog and as I go to make sure it looks okay, I see on my sidebar that the verse of the day has changed...to this:

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” (Psalm 46:10)

AMEN!!!!

"My grace is sufficient"

2009-06-01T22:23:00.002-05:00

"My grace is sufficient for you, for MY strength is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

Today I was weak. For the past 4 days, I have been trying to figure out what the best plan would be as far as housing for "E". It has been a major source of stress for me because I really did not have any direction or leading from God. There are SO many options and I have only known this woman for a few days. UGH!

So, this morning I just laid it out there while I was making my bed. "God, I cannot do this. I just cannot. I don't know how to do this and I don't want to do this. This is not something I am comfortable with or know anything about. I know that You are in control of this and that You already have a plan. You are going to have to do this. I mean, I've seen you do things like this before, right? I cannot do this alone, so it's Your's."

Yesterday, I had emailed a maternity home that Molly (http://shockleyfamily.blogspot.com/) had given me and about 30 minutes after that prayer, they called. We are 90% sure that "E" will be moving there on Friday. Please pray everything works out for this to happen. They will be able to give her the help and support that she needs.

God showed His strength today, in my weakness.

Watch and Be Astounded....

2009-05-30T22:01:00.006-05:00

“Lord, increase my faith. Teach me how to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). Give me strength to stand strong on Your promises and believe Your every word. Help me to believe for Your promises to be fulfilled in me. Increase my faith daily so that I can move mountains in Your name.” (Parts of a prayer I have been praying from “The Power of a Praying Woman”)

“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved by various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” 1 Peter 1:6-7

I find it interesting that when you are driving on a lengthy trip through the desert…or mountains…or wherever, the weather can change so quickly. It’s sunny and then all of the sudden you are in the midst of a thunderstorm, depending upon which direction you are going, and then you are back in the sunshine! At one point on our trip (the same point my camera was packed in the BACK of the truck instead of in my purse) we were driving through some mountains, there was a rainstorm up on the mountain. You could see the dark clouds and the rain coming down fiercely upon what looked like a small portion of the mountain. (I am sure had we been closer it would have been a much larger area.) But on both sides of the mountain receiving the rain, there was sunshine. (Again…this illustration would have been MUCH better with a picture! SORRY!)

It made me think about how God is with our lives. I could see the part of the mountain in front of the storm, and after the storm. I could see that there was sunshine on either side. I knew from my vantage point that the storm would soon pass and the sun would shine again. How hard it must be for the mountain in the midst of the storm to see the outcome. Kind of like us. When the storms come, and you are in the midst of the downpour, it’s hard to see from where we are that the sun is coming. If we can just hang on for a little while, the sun is over there…we just can’t reach it yet. But, just as I could see the mountain, God sees the storms in our lives the exact same way. He knows the outcome because He sees the big picture.

I have found myself praying lately for a place of quiet rest. I am not complaining, please do not get that from what I am about to say. The last 4-5 years have been very stressful and emotional. Trying to follow God’s will is not always easy. It’s not always laid out for you in black and white. There are times of waiting…LOTS of waiting and times of working toward the goal. Because I believe without a doubt we were promised Emma Claire, we are still in that waiting mode. I just want to gather all of my kids up (including Jacob and Emma) and go to the zoo. That’s what I want. But God’s plan has been much different and in that I will find my peace and rest. I suppose the prayer should be for a place of quiet rest, or strength for the journey.

Before we left for our trip, we sent the foster baby we had for 6 weeks to live with her brothers in another foster home. It was God’s will and to be honest, I was okay with it all. It was very nice going on a 7 day trip, 6 different hotels, without a newborn that wasn’t very happy! Since we got home, DHS has changed all of the rules for us…again…and we were told that we would never adopt out of our county because they would not allow us to take a baby for more than 30 days.

Yesterday, about noon, I received a phone call from another state. I almost didn’t answer as I have been receiving wrong numbers lately, but I did. The man introduced himself to me, stating he was from NATHHAN/Chask and received a phone call from Oklahoma City. I knew of NATHHAN/Chask as I had referred homeschooling parents with special needs to them before. But I wasn’t sure why they were calling me. He told me there is a pregnant woman in OKC who wants a nice family to adopt her baby and when he put in the information, our name was the only one to pop up on his computer. He gave me some more information before I stopped him and asked how he had my information. Evidently, I signed up and sent our profile information to him back in October! I did not remember at all! (I had looked at so many websites!)

I asked him what our cost would be (since he mentioned the word “agency”) and he said they do not charge, they just want to share the gospel with birth moms. He said I would need a home study (check) and an attorney (check) and travel expenses, which with her being here in the city are minimal (check).

After talking some more (and becoming more aware of how many little prayers were being answered in this one phone call) I told him that yes, he could send her our profile. I updated it with current pictures and within an hour, the birthmother was calling me. She said she read our information and she wants us to adopt her baby. (Can I get a PRAISE GOD???)

The baby is African American/Caucasian. We have been told it is a girl. I get to go to her doctor’s appointment/ultrasound on Monday. The baby is due the week of August 17. (Jacob died on August 23.) God is truly showing us His redeeming love. August no longer has to be a sad month for us. Instead, it will be a reminder of new life.

Our birthmom is homeless. We are looking for a room/apt to put her in for 3 months. (Something CHEAP!) So if anyone has any ideas, the information would be appreciated. This is our one obstacle. But God already knows how this is going to work out. I would appreciate prayers for the following:

1-Healthy birth mom “E” and baby
2-Finances when we need them
3-Any issues that arise would be taken care of quickly and smoothly
4-“E” would see Jesus through us

I cannot tell you how excited we are. This also means we can officially close our home with DHS. This is such a relief. (This post was originally going to tell you how I have been fighting with them for the past week!) God promised to do this for us. He promised to do it in a way I would never expect. We still have 12 weeks to go and I know nothing is a guarantee, but I am going to enjoy the wait and move joyfully through this door that God has opened for us.

Oh yeah...we will be having a garage sale in a few weeks (even though I would rather walk on crushed glass or even give up PEPSI!!!) to raise funds for adoption expenses. If you hate garage sales like I do but have things you would like to get rid of, please contact me (if you live close) and we will come pick it up! I will let you know when and where the garage sale will be soon.

“The Lord replied, ‘Look at the nations and be amazed! Watch and be astounded at what I will do! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn’t believe even if someone told you about it!” (Habakkuk 1:5)

(FYI…I posted about our trip today, too, so don’t miss that one!)

Grand Canyon - 2009

2009-05-30T18:12:00.009-05:00

Seven days.....

Three vehicles.....

Six adults.....

Eight kids.....

Thirty pounds of snacks....

Four Rubbermaids for the Phillips.....

Six different hotels.....

2240 miles.....

Only ONE trip to the ER.....(bil had a stomach bug)

TONS of fun!!!!!!

Because nobody likes to sit and watch vacation slide shows, I will just share a few of the highlights of our adventure!

Because we took the "scenic" route for a lack of better words, our first day of travel was...ummm...interesting.

Our first restroom/snack break was at Lowe's. We all squawked a bit at using their facilities, but decided it would stretch our legs and it would be fine. (Not sure what the Lowe's people thought about a group of 16 people all wearing blue shirts piling into their store!)

Bathrooms the rest of the day were scarce which presented quite a problem for those people in our group with tiny bladders. (You know who you are...Noah.) Around lunch time...actually it was PAST lunch time...there were certain individuals within the 3 vehicles who needed to relieve themselves. We were in the backwoods of Texas and evidently there is some law against restrooms open on a Sunday. We pulled into this little town, thinking it would be the last one for at least an hour. Everything is closed. The MALE people in the trucks proceed to the back of the gas station to relieve themselves. Not sure how that works because I didn't follow them. I was busy cussing them from my TRUCK because there were no open bathrooms!!!!

We went another 30 minutes or so and came upon another gas station that doubled as our choice of restaurant for lunch. They had one toilet and a bunch of BBQ! Those BBQ sandwiches, my friends, was our most expensive meal the entire trip!! No lie!

Did I mention they only had one toilet??? And that it was the only open toilet for 100 miles in either direction??? And that you could not flush the toilet paper? It had to go in the trashcan??? EEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!

The rest of the trip did get better and it was then we realized that going to Lowe's for a potty break was a rather ingenious idea!!

This was also the day that my baby learned to pee in a cup. I was so proud. For some reason, Josiah missed one of our potty breaks...maybe he was asleep or something, but it had not been long so I didn't think it would be a big deal. WRONG!!! As he is holding himself in the carseat, wailing from the back "I hafta go POOOOOTTTTTYYYYYY!", I realized I had no other choice. I climbed back to the back of the truck, unbuckled him, unzipped him, and held a styrofoam cup for him to relieve himself. I'm the mom! He had no problem whatsoever peeing in that cup. I was actually surprised because this is a kid who has never peed standing up! I did start to get nervous when the kid kept peeing and the cup was filling up! I had Noah start looking for another cup just in case! SHEESH! We also hit a bump that could have been disasterous, but again, mom saved the day. I put a lid on the cup, stuck it in his cup holder and told him not to touch it until we stopped!

PawPaw George and Grandma with the grandkids before going into Carlsbad Caverns. The kids had all just bought new sunglasses for the trip at one of our MANY stops at Walmart. Seriously???

The amazing thing about this cave that we walked through for about 2 hours was that it was all different. You would look up and the cave was totally different than what was in front of you. The way God designed this cave is awesome.

This is Noah and my neice, Paige. They look harmless, but these two by themselves are the most talkative kids you have met. Then put them together???? Whose idea was that??? I think it came from the other truck!

This is the train that we rode to the Grand Canyon. It was a 2 1/2 hour ride there and the same on the way back. There is some entertainment as well. On the way back, the guy who "entertained" us was hilarious. He is a homeschool dad and teaches music classes at the elementary school 3 days a week. So he was VERY good with the kids. He had us come up and do the hand jive, which fortunately I do not have the video of. SORRY!! He also had my dad come up and do some jive dance...THAT alone was worth the drive!!

On the way back, we were also robbed at gunpoint by train robbers. The kids all had their dollar bills up in the air for the "robbers". I had explained the best I could to Josiah (3 1/2 years old) that this was just play like, it was fun, blah, blah. So the first robber comes in and takes all the kids money...except for Josiah. He leaves and the second robber comes in. Josiah holds his little hand with the money up and with the most solemn expression, looked right at the robber and said, "Please don't shoot me." And he handed his dollar over. It was HILARIOUS!!! He told me later that "playlike is VERY scary". Gotta love 3 year old boys!

And then we get to the Grand Canyon. I think what impressed me the most (this was my first time there) was how ugly everything was on the entire trip. The landscape was dry, brown, and just boring. There wasn't much green, and even the pretty pink flowers at the top of the ugly cactus had these huge pointy things on them that made them totally unapproachable.

Then you look over into the most beautiful expanse of color you have ever seen. And no matter what the bus driver told us, God breathed this beauty into creation. It was not a meteor, nor was it 6 million years ago that something scientists cannot agree on formed this canyon. As Justin, my 11 year old said on the bus, "God said I want it this big, this deep, this wide, and THAT is how you get the Grand Canyon!"

Oh...and for our next road trip...our map will include ALL the Lowe's as rest areas!!!!

COMING SOON....

2009-05-29T12:10:00.002-05:00

An update to this sad, neglected blog...I promise!! Stop emailing!! LOL!!!

Greater things are still to be done here....

2009-05-08T23:34:00.009-05:00

"You're God of this city, you're the King of these people, you're the Lord of this nation, you are...You're the Light in this darkness, you're the Hope to the hopeless, you're the Peace to the restless, you are...For there is none like our God, there is none like You, God! Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city! Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

I haven't been able to get the lyrics of this song out of my head for the past few weeks. I try, but I just can't. Yesterday hit us with what I felt at the time was bad news. This sweet, tiny, foster baby is going to be moved to live with her brothers...forever. She will be adopted by the foster mom who has had her brothers since they came into care. How can that be bad news? I have met the other foster mom...she is very capable and loves the brothers. How can this be bad news? Because I am selfish and human.

I want this to be our Emma Claire and do you want to know the REAL reason why?? Because I am tired of the journey. Again, selfish and human. I want some peace and security, closure if you will. I want the proceeds of the promise I was given. No more maybes. No more ifs. No more waiting.

"Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done in this city!Greater things have yet to come, and greater things are still to be done here."

How can this be bad news? How can I be sad? God did NOT break His promise of Emma Claire to us. As a matter of fact, He is working out His promise in my life. My dream since I was in high school was to foster and heal drug babies. BABIES! God has performed a miracle and I had forgotten about it. Remember??? God opened a bed in our home to foster and heal drug babies. God did this. God has given me the desire of my heart.

When Jacob died, I was not ready to stop helping babies. I felt hopeless at times because DHS had refused to open a bed in our home. Well, we all know how that turned out! God is STILL giving me the desire of my heart, but I became too selfish and too human to recognize it. So, because I am a planner, here is the plan. We are going to take whatever baby God sends to us, for however long, and love them as our own. We will accept whatever plan God has for these babies, and for us. We will help heal them and in the process they will help heal us. That is the plan.

Now...do I believe that this baby could be our Emma? Sure...if that is what God wants. If not, she is still the cutest chocolate baby girl I have ever seen! If this is NOT our baby Emma, then what it really means is that God is not finished with our family and foster care. (Remember, Emma means "complete" and Claire means "with clarity"...when we get our Emma Claire, our family will be complete with clarity.)

I would also like to share a little insight on how I function. I am really pretty easy to please. When Patrick and I had been married for 6 months, we started looking for our first home. I don't even remember how many houses we looked at, but each one was the "perfect" starter home for us. I was SO anxious to have our own home, I was ready to move in each house we looked at, right then. We would call my dad to come and look at it and he would explain to us why this wasn't "the" house and encourage us to keep looking. UGH! After waiting not so patiently, we found our house. Because we waited, we ended up with a house we never would have dreamed of! It was much larger than we were looking for and in a much nicer neighborhood. The specifics of the home were such that not just anyone could buy this house. I don't remember the details, but you could not have made more than a certain amount of money, had to be a first time buyer, but you had to have enough money to fix the thing up! We qualified all the way around! If I had my way, we would have bought a tiny little house that had many problems, in a not so nice neighborhood. Because we chose to take the advice of others, (God and our parents) we ended up with a house we never could have dreamed of!

This is how I feel about the babies that come through our home. I could keep each one of them forever and be completely happy. BUT...I know that God has already chosen the one we get to keep. And THAT is the baby I want...not the one I choose (because I would be keeping the one who is breathing sweetly right next to me)! And when she gets here, we will have a baby girl we never could have dreamed of! In the meantime...

"Greater things are still to be done here..."

_______________________________________________________________

Nine months ago today, we finalized the adoption of Jacob Levi Phillips. Today, we finalized the adoption of Samara Grace and Josiah Nathan Phillips. It was a terribly hard day and I am so glad it is over. I feel relief that they are finally ours and I don't have to ask permission for ANYTHING again!! But...and sorry if I sound like a broken record...Jacob was missing today. He should have been there. We made it through. And I do feel much better this evening. I appreciate all of you who have been praying for us and for our day, today. Now I will share some pictures of the event...enjoy!

Josiah...he doesn't seem thrilled with the whole thing. I guess nobody asked him if he wanted to be adopted! Good thing 3 year olds don't run the world!

Samara was confused all day long. She just didn't understand why she needed to be "adoctored".

Josiah looked at the judge, then turned around and said, "I'm ready to get out of here." We had only been there about five minutes! The judge made the comment "Wow, whatever goes through his head comes right out of his mouth." Ummm...YEP!

Here, the judge is showing Josiah a pen set or something, to which Josiah said, "Okay, I am going to cover my ears." Not sure what he thought the pens were going to do.

And here we are with the judge after finalization...Phillips Forever!

"For He remembered His sacred promise..."

2009-05-07T22:27:00.002-05:00

The verse of the day on the sidebar of my blog today was this:

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

That was much easier for me this morning than it turned out to be this afternoon. I got the phone call that told us the baby we thought was Emma will be moved to another foster home...the home that has her brothers. They want to have her moved by the end of May, but said we could take her on our trip with us.

Part of me wants them to come and get her right now, and let us get on with our lives, but the other part of me wants to sit back and enjoy as much of her as we can, and let God work. To say we are heartbroken would be an understatement. But as I said when I first told you about this baby, is that we were not given any guarantees that we would get to keep this baby. It just felt so right...all the pieces fell into place easily, God's hand was all over the placement, she was/is a perfect fit.

"His ways are not our ways."

As I was reading my Bible this afternoon, God spoke to me clearly. I read about Hannah and how she prayed for a child out of great anguish and sorrow, and was told to "Cheer up! May the God of Israel grant the request you have asked of Him." And then, "the Lord remembered her request". He remembered Hannah and gave her a son, her heart's desire. Remember, Hannah promised this boy, Samuel, to God. She gave him to God for His purposes. And the Bible says, "Before they returned home, Eli would bless Elkanah and his wife (Hannah) and say, 'May the Lord give you other children to take the place of this one she gave to the Lord.'" Hannah had FIVE more children. Not only did God answer Hannah's prayer, but He blessed her beyond measure!

I can't tell you how God's Word spoke to me today. In the Psalms, I read "for He remembered His sacred promise." God promised me Emma. He remembers me. He has not forgotten me.

At the VERY least, this 6 week old baby did NOT spend her first two weeks of life alone in the NICU. She did NOT have to go to a shelter. She has known love, compassion, and the warmth of a family. She was/is a source of hope for us. No matter the outcome, it was a miracle that our home has remained open and that we were priveleged to love on her for however long God chooses.

Please pray for God's will in Emma's life. And ours. Pray for those mom's this weekend who have lost children...or have never had the opportunity to have them. Mother's Day used to be a source of joy...now it's just another reminder that someone is missing.

On a brighter note, Samara and Josiah will become "forever Phillips" tomorrow at 11am. Also, I have been told that as soon as Emma moves from our home, they will place us with another foster baby. I am thankful, as always, for the distractions.

WHEW!!!

2009-05-03T20:39:00.003-05:00

What a weekend!! The Oklahoma Homeschool Convention was a HUGE blessing. What an amazing group of people I am blessed to work with! I left early (thanks, Emma!) so I don't know what our numbers were, but Friday was PACKED! Standing room only workshops, lines out the kazoo at the vendor booths...AMAZING! Give us a couple of weeks and we will start planning for 2010!

As for me, I have 2 weeks to get everyone ready to go to the Grand Canyon. Our entire family will be going and my dad has it all planned out. (I am SO relieved to just get to go along for the ride and not have to plan anything!) Packing 9 people for a 7 day trip is no small feat! We will be doing laundry halfway through, so really, I will only be packing for 3 days (plus the clothes we wear). Since we will be staying in different hotels each day, I decided instead of each person having their own suitcase to lug in and out each day, we will be packing in Rubbermaids. Day #1, Day #2, and Day #3, plus our "overnight" Rubbermaid which will have all jammies and toiletries. Two Rubbermaids in and out of the hotel each day. That sounds MUCH better to me than NINE suitcases. We are all really looking forward to this trip.

Between now and then, we have Olympic Day, Voice Recital, the boys performing "It's Cool In The Furnace" at church, a birthday party...make that TWO birthday parties (I almost forgot Ashlee will be "14" tomorrow!), oh, REHEARSALS for voice and church, but most importantly, Samara and Josiah's adoption day!!! (Friday, May 8) We will also be having them dedicated on Mother's Day.

It is bittersweet for me. On one hand, we are overjoyed that these two days are finally coming (adoption and dedication) but on the other hand, my only other experience is with Jacob. That didn't turn out so well, so I am having some minor issues with this. Please pray. Jacob died the day before his dedication day at church. It is still extremely difficult to sit through baby dedications, and now we are going to go through one. Don't get me wrong...I WANT them to be dedicated...I WANT this to happen, I just don't want to have the "Jacob" memories.

Samara and Josiah really don't have a clue as to what this adoption stuff means. First of all, because of the trauma of their past, there are just some things they are not ready/able to discuss and understand. Josiah is 3 and Samara has the mental/emotional capacity of a 3 year old. One day we will be able to talk about it, but not yet. Also, when I did mention something about going to court, Samara immediately connected that with Jacob's death. I decided to just drop it at that point. Seriously, she doesn't need to think that once the adoption is final, that she will go to heaven, too. It seems like even the exciting things in this first year without Jacob are hard.

I would like to share something with you all so that you can be aware of the power of God's healing. As I have written before, Josiah was diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) last year. While in total agreement with the diagnosis, since then, we believe that he has been healed from this. I couldn't help but rejoice over the difference a year has made.

Last year, I left Josiah and Jacob at our home with our beloved babysitter for the two days during convention. When I got home on Saturday evening, Josiah climbed up in my lap, looked at me with his scary eyes, put his chubby little 2 year old hands around my neck and tried to strangle me. This was real. Fortunately, he was only 2, so he couldn't really hurt me. He was furious with me. This happened twice, along with several rages over the next week.

This year, he stayed with my mom and dad. When I went to pick him up Friday night, he climbed up into my lap, smiling, no scary eyes, and said, "Mommy, I want to go to sleep on you." He then proceeded to cuddle himself right into me. It was heaven! Our God is the ultimate Healer.

I will leave you with that. Have a wonderful week!

One month old and almost at my due date!!

2009-04-30T22:15:00.003-05:00

Emma is one month old (yesterday)! We haven't quite reached her due date, but she is doing well. She is up to 6lbs 7oz and has already outgrown many of her preemie outfits. She is having more "awake" times and is already on her way to being completely rotten, thanks to the whole Phillips clan! There is a LOT of fighting going on in our family right now...and not just the kids...grandma and aunt are to blame, also. Everyone wants their hands on this baby!

And just so you know...there must be a BUNCH of crazy people out there! Well, yeah, there are, but seriously??? I cannot tell you how many people have asked me if I was carrying a baby doll. And they are serious! (Did you see that story on Dateline about those Baby Reborn dolls and the people who treat them like they are real??) Well...I am NOT one of those!! Emma is REAL! LOL!! Still, it doesn't even compete with the lady at Wally World who asked me if I had a little dog in my Beco carrier! WHAT???? I can't make this stuff up!

This weekend is the Oklahoma Home School Convention. We spent most of today setting up and will be at the Cox Convention Center all day Friday and Saturday. I love convention. I am responsible for all of the speakers for the convention. I think this is my sixth year to do this. Anyway, our registration is up 10%, as it has been in the past few years, which means more people are choosing to homeschool!

This year has also been hard. Every year, we get to see and catch up with the vendors/speakers that come annually. Last year, they were all so excited for us as we were preparing for Jacob's adoption finalization. Today, I have had to share with those same people that Jacob is gone. Emma is a numbing sav to the gaping wound in my heart, but, it doesn't change the fact that he is gone.

That being said, how fortunate I am to belong to the family of God? Only God's people can encourage, pray, and support us the way that you have. As I read somewhere recently...probably on another blog...this WAS God's plan "A". And all along the way He was placing me in the paths of people He knew would be a comfort. He wasn't surprised and as I watch all of the details...from Jacob's arrival into our home until this very minute, I am in AWE of the God who orchestrates my life. Pure AWE!

I have to keep this short...need to sleep, but I wanted to check in and let you know how things are going! Talk with you soon!

If they kept quiet....

2009-04-19T17:01:00.007-05:00

"If they kept quiet, the stones along the road would burst into cheers!" (Luke 19:40)

This is how I feel. One of what I will call the "if-then" promises that I have received from God regarding Emma was "If I grant you this, then you will tell the people of the wondrous deeds I have done for you." (That was a paraphrase in case you couldn't find it in your Bible!) I want to tell every person I come into contact with what a miracle this baby is. I don't think that "Oh, I prayed for this baby and now I have her" does Him justice. I told God back when I very first started praying about foster care, adoption, etc, that I would proclaim His glory to whomever He would allow me to. I believe this is my prayer at this point. That God would show me when to gush all the details and when to be still and quiet. In all honesty, I am still reeling from all that has happened. I know God is preparing the story to be shared...

Let me go back and catch you up a bit. Last Sunday, as I had posted, we were to have a private room to spend the day with Emma. It was all arranged. Ashlee and I would go first to get settled, then call the family up when we knew the details. (I am anal like that if you don't know me well...it's a control issue and I am not ashamed to admit it!) We got to the hospital and were moved to the room. I started to feed Emma when the nurse came in and we were talking about going home the next day. The nurse, out of the blue (and you know when I write that phrase that I do not believe ANYTHING is truly "out of the blue") said, "you know, we are just babysitting her...I am going to call the worker and see why you can't take her home today." WHAT?? And within an hour, we were on our way home, Easter Sunday, with our Emma Claire. And this is how my children have spent most of the last week:

For those of you who are into "details", when we left the hospital a week ago, Emma weighed 5lbs, 1oz, and was 18 1/2 inches long. Today, a week later, she weighs 5lbs, 14oz and I don't know how long she is, but she has started to grow out of a few of her preemie outfits! We no longer have to count how many ml's of formula she is drinking, we just feed her and she finishes most bottles.

I am at a loss at how to explain to you what a miracle this really is. You see, God had to change the hearts of many people at DHS for us to have this baby. I know I have said it before, but unless you have worked with my county, and the people in charge, you would just have no idea what an incredible thing God has done. And just in case I needed some confirmation, just this past week, a very good foster parent friend of mine had a conversation with just these people and it is as if we were talking to two different organizations! I kid you not! What she experienced with them this past week is what we have all become accustomed to. It's as if God does not want me to forget what a glorious thing He has done.

Oh...and then Emma's worker came to my home. Let me first say that I believe there are only a handful of practicing Christians within DHS. Jacob's worker was one of them and he is now Samara and Josiah's worker. Emma's worker happens to be another one of them. Before we started foster care, I prayed that God would protect us and hand pick our workers. That we would find favor with those we worked with and God has truly answered that prayer! Okay...back to Emma's worker. I LOVE HER!!! As we spoke and got to know each other a little, I mentioned how we happened to get Emma. She looked at me and said, "Wow...God wanted that baby in your home, didn't He?" She was impressed with us and loved my "Jesus" walls! She is truly one of those workers whose whole heart is in helping the children. We are going to work well together. Now...lest we forget...this is not a done deal. There are still many details to be taken care of if Emma is to stay with us. But I am not worried. I am sitting here in awe of what my God is doing. I have a peace that I cannot explain to you other than it is the perfect peace of God.

Today in Sunday School, we studied about when Abraham sent his servant to find a wife for Isaac. If you remember, the servant sent out a fleece of sorts and God answered his prayer. God smoothed the road for that servant. If you think about it, what Abraham was asking him to do was HUGE! But as we go through the story, all the servant had to do was commune with God and praise Him when prayers were answered. Remember the first prayer?? God answered it BEFORE he had finished praying. Beth Moore says this:

God hears the prayers of His children. Note something important. In the scene between Abraham's servant and Rebekah, not only did the answer come, but the action fulfilling the answer also came. I believe that far more often than not God answers our prayers immediately though we may not see the fulfillment with our own eyes until much later. We sometimes ask, "God, why won't You answer me?" Often He has, but the fulfillment is still on His "items yet to be completed according to His sovereign and wise plan" list. If we could only find peace and security in knowing that God is good for His word! Though the action tarries, it shall come.

This is one of my favorite Bible stories because from the beginning to the end, you can see God's hand all over it. (Just like our Jacob, our Emma, and each one of YOUR stories!) There are the what-ifs...what if Rebekah had decided to stay the 10 days that her family requested? What if she had been too tired to water 10 camels that day?? But because God is THE great orchestrator, the story just had to unfold. Does that give you some comfort? It does me. All that is required of me is faith...faith to watch God's plan for me unfold. Do I do it every day with a smile?? Not even! But I believe the more faith we have, the more promises we see, the more faith we receive. Does that make sense?? It's like it builds. I have seen God answer a specific prayer in my life. Why would I ever doubt Him again? I can't.

I am reminded of a song we sang in choir many years ago...

"If we keep our voices silent, all creation will sing and shout!

If we keep our voices silent, then will the mighty rocks cry out!!"

Still in the NICU...

2009-04-10T21:50:00.008-05:00

UPDATE: When I went to the NICU this morning, there was NO Emma in her bed. The nurses had her down the hall...are you ready? WITH NO FEEDING TUBE!!! WOOHOO!!! No more tube...only bottle feeds! We could take her home tomorrow, but since it's Easter, there will not be anyone to discharge her. (Remember...we are still working with DHS.) So, because the nurses are SO great, they have reserved us a room for the day! We get to stay and spend the day, the kids and family get to come up, etc. We are SO excited. Then, we will bring her home on Monday as long as everything goes as planned!

But we are very close to bringing Emma home. She is eating a little better every day. When she doesn't finish and entire bottle, she comes close. If we could get her to burp better, it would help. Also, if she get the hiccups, well, it's over. Emma does NOT multi-task! We are hoping to bring her home the first of the week.

As I have pondered this week over how long it seems to be taking to get Emma to come home, God reminded me that this is STILL all in HIS timing. I realized that when His work in the NICU is finished for us, then it will be time to come home. So my prayer has been that we would be a witness to whomever we come in contact while in the NICU.

Jacob and his story has come up many times in the past two weeks. The nurses are very interested in knowing how many children we have, how many we have fostered, etc. I don't make it a habit of going around and telling strangers about Jacob, but it has come up on a daily basis lately. Even now, Jacob is touching lives in the NICU. Amazing.

I met a nurse who experienced something similar to us with the loss of her baby. It was such a blessing to hear from her and get to visit. She is the first person I have talked to who lost a child to a "freak accident" like us. It's different than losing a baby from illness or at birth. Don't get me wrong...the LOSS is NO different. It's the pictures you can't get out of your head that are different. I have no doubt that God put her in my life that day. We spoke for a long time and hopefully, she walked away, as I did, feeling better.

I am going to post a picture of Emma so that you can get an idea of how "big" she is. Please forgive the picture of me...I am exhausted!

____________________________________________________________________

This past week I received an update on the baby we were going to adopt from Texas. "T" was captured by police and is in the witness protection program. We have been told that she lost the baby. Now, we do not know if that means the baby died or just that she lost it to DHS, but God closed the door on that situation for us and I am grateful. God's timing is perfect and precious. I did not ask for that confirmation, but it sure did feel good to get it!

I have also realized something else about our Savior. It's all in the details. God promised to give me the desires of my heart. I trusted Him to do just that. What I did not realize was that God wanted to give me DETAILED desires. The little thoughts that you have like "you know, I would love a tiny chocolate baby girl, but I will take whatever you want me to have." God hears those thoughts. Would I have been disappointed with a vanilla baby?? Of course not! BUT...my God loves me SO much, He worked out every little detail. Not only has He provided the desire of my heart, but it's like He added His own personal touches knowing how much I would love them. He loves me, He knows me, He hears me.

Hallelujah, what a Savior! Praying you have a blessed Easter weekend praising the Father for loving us SO much that He sent His precious Son into our world so that we might have life.

How Great Is Our God!!

2009-04-05T23:00:00.004-05:00

“The Lord replied, ‘Look at the nations and be amazed! Watch and be astounded at what I will do! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn’t believe even if someone told you about it.’” (Habakkuk 1:5)

And with that, my jaw is still on the floor as I have watched and am astounded! This was a verse that God gave me some time ago. Almost 4 years ago, I started praying for my heart’s desire: A baby girl…not only that, but a TINY baby girl. I don’t know why, I just wanted a tiny one. As I prayed for about 6 months, God gave me the promise, and also the name. As God led us to foster care, I knew that He would answer this prayer, but also knew that it would not be right away.

Five different foster babies have lived with us; three of them are our forever children. Not one of them was a tiny baby girl. Not one of them was our “Emma Claire”. But that was okay because I knew she would come.

Emma Claire is here. She was born on March 29, 2009 at 35 weeks, weighing 4lbs 14oz, 18 ½ inches long and was addicted to cocaine at birth. She is chocolate and has the chubbiest cheeks to be so small!

To put this all in perspective and so you will know as I do that this entire event was TOTALLY orchestrated by God, let me tell you the events of the past 3 weeks.

Remember, according to DHS, our home is full and they would not ever place any more children with us.

On March 11, I called my licensing worker to ask her something about our adoption stuff. Somehow the topic of us leaving our home open came up…I honestly don’t remember. On March 18, I get an email from the supervisor telling me they would like us to stay open to do emergency care. (This would be keeping babies from 1-30 days only.) We agreed and received a call the next day. It did not work out, but at least I knew we were on the list!

By March 26, I have not had any calls, or heard from anybody. My worker was coming to reassess our home on the 27th (since our adoption has not been completed) and happened to call to change the time. She asked how the baby was doing and I told her we did not have one. Well, evidently, nobody notified her that we had not been placed with. When she came to my home on the 27th, one of the first things she said was “We are going to open your home to OK county.” WHAT??? We are not in OK county and our county is VERY stingy with their homes. It happens, but NEVER this easily and only after a week and a half. I finally (still in shock) ask her why the change of heart and she said, “Because we want you to have a baby.” WOW!!!

I cannot even stress to you what a miracle this was. Only if you have been involved in foster care in my county would you really understand, so just trust me. THIS IS A MIRACLE! God totally changed the hearts of these people.

Monday, March 30, our home is opened to OK county. (Even they were in complete shock!) I was told that they would give me an emergency placement first because they didn’t want to “rock the boat” with a long term placement. No babies that day.

Tuesday, March 31, at 9:36am, I get a call. 35 week cocaine baby (which happens to be my drug baby of choice), etc, with all the details. I ask, “How long do you think she will need our home?” I was told “Oh…this one is heading for termination…you will have her a LONG time and she will be adoptable.” WHAT???

Now…with that being said, let me assure you that this is not a done deal. We are VERY early in the game (she isn’t even home yet) and nobody from DHS has promised us this baby, but God is a faithful God and I am believing in Him that this is our Emma Claire. God promised me a tiny baby girl and I could not have asked for the details to be any more perfect!

God has answered my prayer. I have been contemplating and praying about what to call this baby girl. Her birth name is almost unpronounceable so at first we thought “nickname”. But today, God reminded me that I have been praying for “Emma Claire” and He gave me “Emma Claire”. God promised me Emma, there were no other guarantees, so I am just going to trust in His goodness and His mercy and watch this miracle continue to unfold.

Please pray for Emma as she is one week old today and still in the NICU. She is perfectly healthy, but she is not eating like she should. She is making progress daily, but she needs to be taking 40 ml at each feed. She is only up to 15 ml today. As soon as she feeds 40 ml for 24 hours, we can bring her home. Right now I am trying to make it up there at least twice a day. It’s much harder to do than it sounded like.

I had to go to a “discharge” class on Friday. It’s a class on how to care for preemies. We had to watch a video on CPR. Okay…I can do this. In the first scene, a grandmother goes in to find her baby, CHOCOLATE BABY, not breathing. SERIOUSLY???? And then they proceed to do CPR on this chocolate baby. Can you say “way too close to home”? Fortunately she didn’t make a big deal out of it when I declined to “try it out” on the “fake” chocolate baby she had for us. It was really hard, but I made it through.

How great is our God?? That’s all for now…off to bed so I can be rested for the NICU tomorrow!! Thanks for all the prayers!!

Just a teaser....

2009-04-02T22:18:00.004-05:00

I don't have the time or energy to post all the details, but here is a peek at our newest addition! God has His hand all over this and I am so eager to share everything, but the 2-4 trips a day to the NICU have me a little tired...I will ask that you pray for baby girl to start eating...that's the only thing keeping our 4lb 10oz chocolate foster baby in the hospital!!!

Night of Beauty

2009-03-18T21:53:00.006-05:00

I read a lot of funny blogs. Mine has never really seemed to meet the criteria for "funny", but tonight, something has happened at our house that I just can't stop laughing about , so I thought I would share.

I grew up with one sister. I had mostly girl cousins. Boys are totally weird to me. (And smelly...not sure why, but they are. Oh...and loud...that too!) So I never had the experience of a bratty little brother like my daughter, Ashlee, has had. Ashlee had a friend over tonight. They decided to make some "natural" beauty products and try them out.

The first product was a hair conditioner made with olive oil and egg whites. (BTW...it STUNK!) I am really not sure how this happened, but as they were applying the product, and I walked into the kitchen, this is what I saw:

Yep...my oldest BOY was having his hair "shined and conditioned"! Patrick wasn't home at the time...this is what happens when Daddy leaves! I swear they were sitting around the island chatting like old women at the beauty shop! And then the twenty minutes was up...time to rinse!!!

And after he was "almost drowned" as he put it!

He looks like he is frowning, but he then begged for the oatmeal face mask!!! By the way...he is 11!

I will give you just a brief update. We are back online with Christian Adoption. This means that our profile is back where mother's choosing adoption can see us. This is kind of exciting. We are moving on. There is also a situation that would involve DHS...God would have to do a mighty work, there. I am not sure, so would like to ask for your prayers for clarity, guidance and wisdom.

We are in a good place right now. Samara will turn 5 on Sunday and we will have a Princess party on Friday. I planned it all by myself! That is HUGE considering in November I didn't even care if Josiah HAD a party. There has been a lot of healing going on, praise God. I will post pictures of the party when I can...we have all sorts of princess things planned...our only problem was the first 5 people on her guest list were BOYS!!!

In closing, I would like to share my verse of the day, which was actually on my blog up there on the side!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

We have a date!!!!

2009-03-13T12:54:00.001-05:00

Just wanted to let you know that we have an official date for our adoption finalization of Samara Grace and Josiah Nathan. Friday, May 8, 2009, they will officially become "Phillips"! We are very excited...it's Mother's Day weekend, so we will plan on dedicating them at church on Mother's Day! Just wanted to share....God is SO good!

Sorry for the delay...

2009-03-12T20:20:00.004-05:00

This is an exerpt from "Power of a Praying Woman":

"Why do you think it's important to God that patience be growing in us? It's because God's timing is not our timing. He is always doing more than we see or know, so we have to trust Him on how long He takes to bring things to pass. God perfects us and refines us before He brings us into all He has for us, and that takes time." "Do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises" (Hebrews 6:12).

This morning, I posted on my facebook that I had some exciting news. It's not about Emma Claire. We are still waiting patiently on that situation. We have heard that the private investigators are closing in on "T". I am praying for protection for all involved.

I recieved an email from DHS telling me that they would like to use our home for emergency care for infants. Evidently, they are desperate and the hospitals are not allowing them to leave the babies for more than a couple of days now. Normally, emergency foster care involves you taking whatever age they need you to, whenever they need you to. I am not interested in that at all. That would not work with our family. DHS has said that our home will be different...we will only take babies 1 year or younger. It may be just for one night, or maybe up to a month. This will give them time to find family/kinship to take the baby. We are very excited about this. This was not something we pursued, but a door that God has opened for us. (We only learned of this yesterday and I already received a call!)

Now. Let me be VERY clear. This in NO way changes my feelings regarding DHS. This does not change the way they treated us with Jacob or the way things are going now with our adoption. But, you know what?? It really isn't about that. It's about the babies that need a warm bath and bottle. It's about rocking a scared 8 month old whose mom and dad were just arrested for drugs. It's about swaddling a cocaine addicted newborn while he is detoxing. It's about being thrown up on after every bottle because the drugs have messed up the baby's tummy. THAT is what it is about. Showing these babies the love of Jesus, even if only for a day.

So...if we have a different baby every time you see us, this is why. We are still holding onto the promise that we were given regarding Emma. But as the song I posted a couple of weeks ago says, "I will worship while I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting"....that's what we are doing.

When Emma comes, we will be finished. Until then, whether we have one baby or twelve, we are willing to help and walk through this door God has opened. When we suggested doing this many months ago, we were told absolutely not! So we waited on the Lord, and here we are.

We have court for Samara and Josiah tomorrow. It's just to update the judge on how our case is progressing. I was told that our packet had been sent to the state for authorization. Once authorized, they only have 3 weeks to complete it. That doesn't mean finalization at the court necessarily, but our date will be very close to that. They did tell me that as long as we have been sent for authorization by April, we will not have to redo our home study. I hope they are right. I may ask the judge this tomorrow.

Oh...we are also closing on our house tomorrow! PRAISE THE LORD!!! We ended up having to have a second inspection. For some reason, the underwriter didn't like the first one. Long story short, the second appraiser was $15,000 higher than the first! I laughed out loud on that one!!!! He seemed a little miffed that he had to do it at all! I really liked him!

Finally, God is bringing about closure to many loose ends. I hope and pray that I have learned everything He has had to teach me through it all.

Swirls in the darkness...

2009-03-08T21:04:00.002-05:00

I have new hope today. Nothing has changed in our status. We are still the parents of 4 bio children, 2 almost adopted children, and 1 adopted baby who sits at the feet of Jesus. (Or is it "whom" sits at the feet of Jesus...my LIGHT friends will get that!) We still don't have our mortgage, still don't have our adoption final (although I was told it HAD BEEN SENT to the state...I will be checking up on that tomorrow) and still have not heard a word from "T" regarding our "March" baby.

Do you know what else hasn't changed??? God's promises to me.

August 2005 "May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Ps 20:4
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Ps 27:13
My promise of more children: "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Ps 113:9 (July 2005)
November 2005 "God sets the lonely in families..." Ps 68:6
"He blessed them and their numbers increased greatly." Ps 107:38
"I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Ps 62:5
October 2008 "Her children will be nursed at her breasts, carried in her arms, and treated with love..." Is 66:12
"I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer. 32:27
"Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise." Heb 10:23
"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while." 1 Peter 1:6

And SO many more...I just shared a few that popped out as I flipped through my Bible. Today, I received this verse:
"Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Is there any limit to my power? Now you will see whether or not my word comes true!" Num 11:23

He is the same today as He was yesterday and as He will be tomorrow. He has a glorious plan for our baby. Please continue to pray for "T" as she gets close to having this baby. (We still are not sure when she is due...possibly even into April.)

Something strange happened to me this past week. Well, for the past few weeks, I have really been in a funk. I chalked it up to the fact that we were hitting the 6 month mark since losing Jacob, but now I think it was something altogether different. I really was ready to pack up all the baby stuff and just forget it. I thought I was hearing from God, but I just wasn't getting excited like I had been in the past. I couldn't figure it out, but I couldn't shake it, either. It just wasn't like me.

Last Sunday, I saw a terrible accident on my way home. It involved a bicycler and a vehicle and while I do not know the outcome, it left an image in my mind that I had rather not seen. I am not a dreamer...my dreams when I do have them are ridiculous. But that night, I dreamt that Samara was hit by a car. I turned to whomever was standing next to me (I know it was a close friend, but don't know who) and said, "I cannot do this again." Then Samara popped up and said, "I'm okay!" And I woke up.

When I awoke, I sensed a darkness around me. I could actually see a dark cloud looking presence. I immediately started praying all of the "in the name of Jesus Christ" prayers I knew, and started to get REALLY irritated when I figured out this was Satan...again! I was pretty persistant with my prayers and started to see white swirls within the darkness. As I kept praying, the cloud slowly disappeared. And then I felt God's peace and presence. I was under attack. I had been for the past few weeks. As soon as the battle had been won, my entire demeanor has been different.

The only other time I have experienced this was just after Jacob died. I was having thoughts that were not the truth about Jacob's death. I couldn't even tell you what they were, but I remember I started praying right away and could literally FEEL God fighting for me. I could feel the struggle and then all of a sudden, I felt a peace flow down my body that could only be of the Lord.

We are in a battle. A daily battle that we cannot even see most days. I praise God for all of my prayer warriors praying for me on a daily basis.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

I would like for you all to keep us in prayer for another situation that has presented itself. There is a teenage mother we know about who is leaning toward placing her baby boy for adoption. She is due soon, but we don't know many other details. I am praying for God's will for her and her baby. I will keep you posted on that.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

To close, I would like to share something my dear sister in Christ sent to me last week. She recently almost died during an emergency surgery...I believe God allowed her that experience in order to share this with me:

"Anyway you may be asking why do I tell you this and the only thing God has said to me is that Tracy needs to know that even though you think Jacob suffered before dying he was okay because it was in an instant, and he had peace, there is no worries, Jacob didn't think aobut anything only about Jesus, Jesus was there to greet His child. He did not suffer long and you can take joy in the fact that God was there with him through the whole thing. God was with me the entire time and I know He was with Jacob too, I could feel God's presence and it gave me peace and Jacob could feel God's presence and felt His peace."

Praise God for the people He surrounds me with. Tracy

"Put your hand here in my side..."

2009-02-25T20:09:00.005-06:00

I am going to be quite open and honest with you all tonight. I have this certain "image" you might say, that I like for people to "see" when they think of me. That all might just be a thing of the past after tonight's blog!

I am down. I am sad. I am tired. Make that EXHAUSTED! God is good. I know that. But pretend I am human here for a little while and allow me to vent. We have been trying to get our mortgage final for FOUR months. There is nothing wrong with our house, our credit, our bank, our anything. But for some reason, we are asked on a weekly basis for copies of things that have already been sent, or answers to questions that don't seem to pertain to a mortgage. (Really??? You need to know our blood types and take a sample of our dna??) This has been a source of stress for us for some time now. (And we thought selling the other house was a big stress!) You know that we have been trying to finalize our adoption of Samara and Josiah. It feels the same as the mortgage...constantly re-sending information that doesn't seem to pertain to adoption. (Why do you care what my favorite salad dressing is??? Does that make me a good or bad parent??) Yes...I am exaggerating a little here. And just when we think we are almost there, BOOM! The salad dressing choice was not good enough. I was told today that we will be closing on our house FRIDAY. (This is about our 7th closing date in the past 2 months.) I was also told that our home study was sent to OK county. Those are all great things. But I have become jaded. I can't even get excited about it anymore. I want PROOF that these two issues are finished.

And then there is the baby thing. Like I said, I am going to be honest. I am exhausted. I am tired of the waiting, the not knowing, the what-ifs, and mostly the knowing how many infants are sitting in the DHS shelters because they cannot find a home for them. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!

This week also marked 6 months since Jacob's death. No wonder I was in a crappy mood on Monday. It didn't even occur to me until late afternoon. I miss him. I cry every day for the baby that should still be here. And now that 104th street is closed, we are forced to drive 119th to get anywhere on the south side of okc. I drive past the grave on almost a daily basis. I can feel my chest tighten on the corner of Rockwell and 119th, knowing I will be there soon. You don't think about things like that when choosing your child's grave. You shouldn't have to.

UGH! I am SO ready for some peace and a quiet place to rest. Please, God, show me your nail-scarred hands and let me put my finger in your side!

So, bearing all of "that" in mind, I had a enlightening conversation with God this morning on the way to PE class. It went something like this:

Me: I am so tired. I am done. The baby is not coming. But if she is, God, then I need some proof. You know that "I" believe you, but what about all of these people that are waiting with us?? THEY need proof!

God: Doubting Thomas.

Me: I am not doubting, I just don't want everyone else to think I am crazy for believing You!

(Enter one verse of a song that I could not even tell you the name of or anything else about it.)

"Let me touch the nail scarred hands so I can believe"...or something like that.

God: You are using your friends as your excuse for your doubting...it's still doubting.

But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master." But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it." Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you."
Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe."
Thomas said, "My Master! My God!"
Jesus said, "So, you believe because you've seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." (John 20:24-29)

May I be one who believes without seeing. But I am afraid I am not that person at all, today. I need to examine His hands. My head says "Believe." But, my heart is not so sure.

I am sorry for all the whining...I am not normally a whiner...out loud, anyway! But Praise God! He made me, He knows me, and He still loves me. Amazing.

So then I go for my nightly bubble bath/prayer time. This is the prayer from "The Prayer That Changes Everything/Book of Prayers" by Stormie Omartian.

"Lord, I give all of my anxiety and fear to You. I surrender my hold on them and release them into Your hands. I lift my eyes to You, for You are my help in time of trouble. I will praise You in the midst of all that happens in my life. I know that in Your presence I don't need to be anxious or afraid of anything. I refuse to entertain discouragement and instead choose this day to find my encouragement in You. Your love comforts me and takes away all my fear. your power in my life gives me strength and makes me secure. Thank You for giving me the courage to go forward and fulfill the destiny You have for me."

"The poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them." (Psalm 34:6-7)

I feel much better.

Clarification of last post

2009-02-21T10:21:00.002-06:00

My mother informed me that I sounded a bit ugly in my last post. Let me clarify. When I said I have "prayed people away"...yeah...that sounds ugly. What I meant for those who don't know me, is that I have had circumstances in the past where there has been a problem or ongoing issue that had led me to shut my mouth, pray about it, and let God take care of it. In these instances, in my life anyhow, God has chosen to move the problem/issue. SO...I don't actually PRAY people away...I just pray for a reconcilliation and this is how God has chosen to answer. So, with those people who know me in "real life", they tease me about praying people away. Sorry if I offended anyone...not my intent...hope this helps clarify!

Jesus calms the storm...

2009-02-20T21:20:00.005-06:00

I have felt led to update my blog tonight. Although I am not sure why, and when I felt the urgency, I really didn't have anything to say. But, I decided to read my Bible for the day (yeah...I'm late, but better late than never!) and now I know!

We went on a field trip today to the Tulsa Children's Museum. The kids had a great time and I got to spend time with adult friends that I really like.

I found out some things about our upcoming adoption that I was pondering when we got home. I was talking to God, just telling Him that I was okay with whatever happened. I also wondered if I should just pack everything up and forget about it all. (This was not a God led thought...it was a tired about a LOT of things thought!) Later, as I was taking my nightly bubble bath, I was praying, asking God to speak to my heart. It's just been quiet and I needed to hear from Him. (Don't get me wrong...I am still trusting Him with our Emma Claire...I am not doubting, just needed to hear.)

A couple of hours go by and being me, I had forgotten what I had asked for. So, I get this urge to write, without really having anything to say, read my Bible, and here is what my Bible said to me:

I was reading about Jesus and the disciples on the boat, when the storm came and the disciples all got their undies in a wad.

"Teacher, don't you even care that we are going to drown?"

(My own version..."God, don't you even care that I lost my baby and now you are just making me wait???? I am drowning here!")

"When God woke up, He rebuked the wind and said to the water, "Quiet down!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. And He asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have faith in me?"

Here I am, AGAIN, asking Him about this baby and what He had promised and this is what He tells me. OKAY! OKAY! I get it! Yes, I have faith!!!! LOL!

And then, over in my Psalm, "Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. He will honor you, giving you the land." (Psalm 37:34)

Once again, God has been faithful to me tonight in speaking this "rhema" to me. And for some reason, He wanted me to share this with you all, too. So I will hold on to His word, once again, and keep pressing forward.

Now...I have a request and you should be used to this by now. I found out that Emma's bio mom "T" is in a lot more trouble than we first imagined. She has been placed on the FBI's Most Wanted list. Our Christian Adoption Administrator told me that "T" being put in jail would be the best thing for everyone and that is how we would pray, I had no idea our prayers would land her on the most wanted list! Now...I have had my prayers answered for a LOT of things. I have prayed people away from our church (that sounds tacky, but they were causing problems), I have prayed people away from our homeschool group (don't worry...if you are reading this, then it wasn't you!) but I have never prayed anyone into jail! Will you join me?? (LOL!)

Seriously, "T" does need prayers. A LOT of them. I was able to get a picture of her, so now I have a face to pray for...that helps. Only God can help her now.

Still waiting, but...some news!

2009-02-16T20:50:00.005-06:00

I just need to get this out of the way, first. There is a picture of the cutest little black baby boy on his first birthday hanging on the wall in my living room. I miss this little boy desperately. I am told that I seem to have it all together and it surprises people if I am ever "out of sorts". While I am pleased that God has chosen THAT person for you all to see, it just isn't really me. When I am at home, in my bedroom, I don't have ANYTHING altogether. I want my baby back desperately and have an extremely difficult time getting through some days. I know my baby's picture is hanging on the other side of the wall and there will be no more birthday pictures.

Enough of that. You know that baby we thought was coming in January??? Guess what?? She isn't due until MARCH!!! Kids...stay off of drugs...they mess with your BRAIN! UGH! Honestly, in my experience with these drug addicts, there is no concept of time. Yet, they can come up with these illegal, elaborate schemes to provide for their habit, but can't remember their kids birthday! Don't get me started.

So...I have at least another month to wait. That will give us time to get Samara and Josiah's adoption finalized. We found out that all DHS needs to do is send a copy of our homestudy to OK county. (DUH!!! This is what I had been telling them!) So, our attorney went on Friday to file our petition to adopt! WOOHOO!! I will let you know what our date is as soon as I find out...will hopefully find out this week.

I know God's timing is perfect, but sometimes my flesh gets in a hurry! Oh...remember that "Thursday" that something exciting was supposed to happen?? Well, the bio mom of my first two foster boys contacted me on THAT Thursday. I have had the opportunity to see the boys several times since then and have no doubt that we will continue to be a part of their lives. How exciting is that??? How many foster parents get that opportunity?? The bio mom is pregnant and due end of March. We are trying to help her get herself set up after leaving an abusive situation a few weeks ago. I am thrilled to see the boys and get to help her. God did NOT go back on His word. He was just blessing me in a much different way than I was expecting.

We will not be going back online with Christian Adoption like we thought. We decided to go ahead and let God do what He is going to do. Big of us, huh??? Patrick told me that God was truly trying to teach me patience. I told him kindly to shut up. Maybe the wait is because HE needs to learn something. Yeah...I know...it's probably me. LOL!

I do have yet another prayer request. Our baby's bio mom is in serious trouble. Not only with the drugs, but like I said, she is on the run and there are people looking for her. I don't even know how to tell you to pray other than for her protection and salvation. Pray for our baby, too, for her health and protection. And for God's will to be accomplished throughout this adoption. I am relieved to hear that we have another month...of course, that means I have to clean the bathrooms about 5-6 more times before this baby comes. UGH! (I have no idea why I do this, but I count down "times to clean the bathroom" when watching the calendar!)

Last week, as I was reading my Bible, 2 days in a row, God said, "So be prepared, because you don't know what day your Lord is coming?" and "So stay awake and be prepared, because you do not know the day or hour of my return." Day 3, I was anxious to see if God was telling me this again...nope. Nothing. UNTIL...I got home and my friend said, "Tracy, God told me to tell you to read 1 Thess. 4-5...I don't know why." So I did...there was lots of good stuff, but nothing dealing with my specific circumstance, until I read this: "Now, brothers, about times and dates we do not need to write to you, for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night."

I believe God is telling me that like the rapture, I will not know when this baby is coming...He has it all under control. All I have to do is sit back and wait. I am claiming this as my "rhemas". The "rhemas" of Scripture are the passages of the Bible that the Holy Spirit gives to us for personal application. I believe that because God's Word is alive, He can speak to us through His Word on a personal basis, through "rhemas".

I think that pretty much catches us up...sorry if this post is a little bit all over the place...I have no excuse!

"I will praise the Lord at all times. I will constantly speak His praises. I will boast only in the Lord; let all who are discouraged take heart." Ps 34:1-2

While I'm Waiting...

2009-02-07T08:46:00.004-06:00

There is a song that I have clung to since watching "Fireproof". It's by John Waller, called "While I'm Waiting". I could not figure out how to post it here, so please click the link and watch the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3b2jw1rjBc

And that's what we are doing. I won't say I wasn't just a little disappointed when we didn't get a baby or a phone call on Thursday, but I wasn't devastated. I still believe that God had something exciting for me on Thursday. Could be that I will never know what it was...or it could be that I found out two of my friends are having girl babies, and my very dear friend, Nheree, found out she is having twins! I promise you, THAT was an exciting phone call!!!

It's funny how all day long I found myself watching and waiting to see what God was going to do. Wouldn't it be cool to watch for God every single day, anxiously awaiting to see what He was going to do for you???

So...for those of you who have been wondering...yes...God spoke clearly to me that Thursday was a day something exciting would happen. And yes, I still believe that was true. And yes, I still believe that God speaks to us through His word on a very personal level.

Now...here is what happened yesterday. I was weary. Sometimes Fridays hit me hard. It's the day before the day of the week that Jacob died. It's almost like Friday is the day I subconsciencely (SP?) prepare for Saturday. So, I was weary. I emailed our adoption ministry and told her that I think we would like to go back online. You know...so as not to close any doors God might work through. (Like He couldn't open a door supernaturally, anyway...but I am a control freak.) I send the email. I get my keys and my grocery list and head out. I call my friend and tell her what I did. Told her that I am not pursuing this any longer...if it happens, fine, if not, fine. TWO minutes after I finish that sentence, she says, "Oh my gosh...Tabitha was trying to call Amy!" (Amy is our contact in Texas.) She called 5 times at 20 minute intervals. Amy wasn't home! UGH!! But we know it was her. I think God was just reminding me that He is still on the throne and is still in control.

Our adoption ministry is giving us 10 days. If we do not hear anything or have a baby, we will go back online. I feel very comfortable with this decision. There are also, as I have said before, so many prayers that God has answered specifically to this situation that I haven't shared. I am just so anxious to share the "rest of the story" with you all!!

Today's verse was this:

Isaiah 65:24 NLT

I will answer them before they even call to me. While they are still talking about their needs, I will go ahead and answer their prayers!

"While I'm Waiting"

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Takeing every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You

While I'm waiting I will worship

While I'm waiting I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

I'm just sayin....

2009-02-03T21:35:00.006-06:00

God promised me a baby girl about 3 years ago. I have all the scripture to prove it for the last 3 years, too.

Fast forward to about September. "I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them." (Isaiah 25:1)

"You are a God of justice, and you smooth out the road ahead of them." (Isaiah 26:7b)

"For I am ready to set things right, not in the distant future, but right now!!" (Isaiah 46:13)

And there are MANY more, but I cannot type the entire Bible for you! The first 3 years, all I heard from God was "Wait on the Lord". Then in September, it started to sound more like, "Soon, I will accomplish these things".

Okay...we are lead to http://www.christianadoption.com/ and sign on with them on 10/31/08. The day before Thanksgiving, we are told about this baby who will be born addicted to meth. The Sunday after Thanksgiving, I tell God, "If this is our baby, you have to sell this house today." God sold the house.

There are lots of little encouragements and promises that were given to me in between what I am writing that I am leaving out...LOTS!

So, feeling a little discouraged, in January, I told God to tell me this was our baby through a friend. About 3 days later, I get an email from one of you guys telling me the Holy Spirit told you this was my baby.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. Bio mom's due date is actually 2/6 (well, from what she says as there has been no medical exam). I told God on Sunday that I really needed to know what day this was going to happen. Now, I don't know about you, but so far, my Bible has never said, "Tracy Phillips, this _____ is going to happen on February ______, 2009. Anyone else?? I mean, seriously...my exact words were, "God, if there is ANY WAY possible that you could tell me what day this baby is coming, would you PLEASE show me in my Bible??? PLEASE????? I NEED to know! I believe that you are going to do this...that's not the question, but I really want to know the day."

So today, I am reading in my Bible. You know that my Bible gives me Old Testament, New Testament, Psalm and Proverb. I am reading about Moses and the ungrateful, whining Israelites, not even thinking about the prayer I prayed 2 days ago. Really, I was just trying to get to the next page that had underlining so I could see what I had underlined! Real spiritual, huh? I know this was Moses talking to the Israelites, but today, this was God speaking to me. This is the last verse from the Old Testament today. (Oh...and by the way...I went to Bible Gateway and it is not written like this in any other version...including the actual one I am using!)

"Get ready for an important event two days from now." (Exodus 19:15)

I'm just sayin....

Baking Bread, Ice, and other things

2009-01-28T09:59:00.011-06:00

Today is day 3 that we have not left our house. I am not complaining. Even if there were no ice, we would still be here as there have been sickies going around, Mommy is one of them! We did not have PE today, we are sad about that as we love seeing our friends. Okay...MOMMY loves seeing HER friends!! (They are all about my height...except for one...sorry Nheree...and none of them ask me for juice or whine that they are hungry. Who could ask for better friends????)

I will get a repreive this weekend as I attend the OKC Homeschooling Mom's Summit. I cannot wait! I will be speaking also, but for the most part I will be a participant. Since I am in charge of the workshops at the yearly OCHEC Homeschool Convention (http://www.ochec.com/), I don't get to participate in those much. Have I mentioned how much I am looking forward to this weekend??? If you are interested, it isn't too late to sign up! http://www.homeschoolmomssummit.blogspot.com/

So...my kids played outside on the ice for approximately 6.3 minutes. We told them it was cold!!! Actually, Justin played longer and went back out later for more, but my smarter kids stayed in by the fire.

Bread. About 3 years ago, I was invited over to a friends home for a playdate. She has lots of kids like us, and baked her own bread. And when I say "baked her own bread", I mean, grinds the wheat, adds the ingredients, forms the loaves, etc. When I had HER bread with my sandwich, I knew then I never wanted to go back to store bought. So, we invested in all the equipment and while there have been momentary lapses and I have bought store bought bread, we prefer fresh, whole wheat, home made bread. We make 5 loaves at a time and it lasts about a week...depending upon whether or not my mom steals a loaf.

Sunday, I made bread. It was our Sunday to have the family over for lunch. (We rotate houses each week after church.) I was in kind of a hurry, though, because everyone was due back at about 11:30am. (We were home with sickies.) So, I might have rushed the bread a little. I didn't let it rise as long as I normally do, and I probably could have let it cook a little longer. So what did I end up with??? Kind of squishy in the middle bread. Now, nobody complained, as it was still pretty yummy. BUT...I knew...and I just don't enjoy squishy in the middle bread. So, I have 2 loaves sitting on my counter, untouched, because they just aren't as good. I am sure they will get eaten, but just not as eagerly. Maybe I should just toss them out and start over.

I was thinking about this bread in relationship to us and God. In our daily walk, we follow God. We are listening to His voice, His will (bread), obeying his commands (or ingredients, if you will), following Him (recipe). What happens when we try to "speed up" the process??? We get squishy bread. As I have said before, I don't like squishy bread. I want my bread completely finished, inside and out. And thank God that He doesn't just toss us out and start over when we get squishy!

"May the God of peace fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him." Romans 15:13

I don't know what kind of bread God is trying to make out of you, but I pray that you will allow him to use HIS recipe on you and bake you until you are not squishy!

Ashlee....she refuses to wear a coat...something about lack of "coolness" I am sure!

I think this is Bryce...he never stays out long...doesn't like to be too hot or too cold. But he can do an awesome load of laundry!

Noah...we found out his coat zipper is broken. That's what happens in Oklahoma when you only wear your coat 2 times a winter.

Justin is in the middle...our neighbor friends, Wes on the left, and Madeline on the right. Madeline and Justin were in Sunday School together at our previous church...how cool that we built houses next to each other and didn't even know it! I love our neighborhood!

I finally found it!!!

2009-01-25T08:37:00.004-06:00

Okay, Okay, you asked for it, so here it is! NO NEWS!!! I will get this out of the way right now so as not to make you wait any longer! I keep hearing "have you heard anything yet?" Well, not from bio mom, but God is talking to me LOTS!

I did find out why bio mom is on the run...can you say FELONY??? Nothing violent, just trying to support her addiction. But for the grace of God...that could be any one of us. The details do explain why she isn't calling, though, so there is a slight comfort there.

Week before last I was terribly anxious. Almost to the point of not functioning, anxious. It's a terrible feeling and I prayed all week that God would take that from me and encourage me. Finally, toward the end of the week, I remembered what I have plastered on my wall:

Okay, God. I am TRYING!!! I decided to go through my Bible and write down (yes, manually, with pencil and paper) all the promises that God has given me regarding this adoption. I started in July. I was going to go through the entire Bible, but realized I didn't have that much time! As soon as I started copying the words down, the anxiety started to lift. "Be still and KNOW that I am God!" That was a week ago. Then I started to pray that God would really speak to my heart through our pastor. I was craving His Word. Well, before we even went to church, I had my music playing and had just downloaded a new group to me, "Go Fish" and it was like they had written their songs just for Tracy's situation. God was feeding me before I even got to church.

Then, at church that night, our pastor spoke on knowing what God's will is for your life. It was powerful! He just confirmed what my dad has told me all along. He said if you believe God has a plan for your life, keep moving forward, proclaiming the gospel. God will direct your steps IF you keep moving! When Paul started his ministry, there was a logical way they probably should have traveled. But, God stopped them and directed them an entirely different way, one that seems crazy to us when looking at the map and the logistics of it all. BUT, God had a different plan. Paul and his guys just had to be open to it. OH...and guess what??? When God turned them a different direction, they did not get discouraged! I wish I could be more like Paul! Anyway, my dad has always said, "If you believe that God is opening a door for you, keep walking toward it until He shuts it." So, we are walking...moving forward...proclaiming God's works!

Back to the title of my post. A year ago December, I had been praying for God to change Patrick's heart. He wanted to adopt Jacob, but after that, he was done. (Remember, at this time, S&J were still going back to their family according to DHS.) I was praying that God would either change Patrick's heart or mine. I wanted God's will, but I wanted us to be in agreement. I shut my mouth and did not speak to Patrick about adoption things. One day as I was praying and reading my Bible, God gave me this:

""The Lord replied, 'Look at the nations and be amazed! Watch and be astounded at what I will do! For I am doing something in your own day, something you wouldn't believe even if someone told you about it!" Habakuk 1:5

I knew at that point that God had a plan and it would be big! So then, on December 18, 2008, I get this verse again, but in regards to our baby/adoption! I LOVE the Bible!

Okay...so I was discouraged last week. God lifted me up, as He always does. Friday, I asked God for discernment. I cannot figure out how all of this is going to work out legally. I don't think "T" is going to stick around long for any kind of court hearings...remember...FELONY...so I asked God to help me out. Help me to discern if this baby is really His will. I am truly okay if it isn't, although I have not felt led in that direction at all.

Yesterday morning, I woke up thinking, "Just forget it...it's all too hard and complicated, I'll just take my toys and go home!" I thought that maybe this was God's discerning voice, telling me to quit. And then it hit me...wait...maybe it's someone ELSE'S voice. "God, please speak to me through your Word and let me know if this is of You or not."

If this was Him giving me discernment, then so be it, but if it was Satan whispering in my ear, I wanted to know. As I think I have said before, my Bible through the year has Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs each day. Here is what God said to me:

“May the God of your ancestors help you; may the Almighty bless you with the blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the earth beneath, and blessings of the breasts and womb.” Genesis 49:25

“You have so little faith! Why are you worried about having no food? Won’t you ever understand? Don’t you remember the five thousand I fed with five loaves, and the baskets of food that were left over?” Matthew 16:8

“May He grant your heart’s desire and fulfill all your plans. May we shout for joy when we hear of your victory, flying banners to honor our God. May the Lord answer all your prayers.” Psalm 20:4-5

“Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; then stick to the path and stay safe. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil.” Proverbs 4:25-27

I don’t think I have ever been spoken to so clearly in all 4 places of the Bible! Thank you GOD!!!

I would ask you to continue to pray for us. We need at least a phone call. Would it be terrible to ask that "T" be arrested??? Think about it...she would have food, clothing, shelter, and medical care. And she would be in a place my attorney could get to. Please pray that she doesn't have the baby in a parking lot. I am terrified that this will be her plan. Pray that all the legalites will go smoothly...God promised to "smooth our way". (And remember...he already brought her from Texas to Oklahoma!!!)

Also, please pray for me as Iwill be speaking at the Oklahoma Homeschool Mom's Summit on 1/30-1/31. I am looking forward to it! "Organize THIS!" is my topic. I have less than a week to practice what I will be preaching!!! I just want to be an encouragement to these moms.

I promise to post as SOON as I hear anything...good or bad...and I will leave you with this:

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge cloud of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Now I am off to grind some wheat to make home made bread to go with our stew for lunch! (Yes...we skipped church...too many kids hacking and coughing...but we can watch it online!!)

Sprite, Crackers, and Grandy's Mashed Potatoes!

2009-01-10T19:10:00.002-06:00

What I am about to tell you is going to be no surprise. The stomach bug sucks the life out of you. Then it tricks you into thinking you are better. So you get up. AHA!! You are NOT better. So you go back down. And then you are up…faking better a little bit…and down again! Thank God for my family. It hit me about 4am on Thursday morning. Patrick took the day off, at some point went and bought all the necessities, (sprite, crackers, popsicles, and Grandy’s mashed potatoes and gravy with rolls on the side) he has been down this road with me several times it seems! This time, he had the kids all wiping everything down outside my room with Lysol! LOL! I was keeping everything wiped down INSIDE my room. (You know…in that “honeymoon period” right after you puke??? You feel great for about 3 ½ minutes??) My kids came to the door about once an hour checking on me…Patrick says he did not tell them to do so…I have great kids! I also have a secret gift. I can catch the stomach bug over the phone. Seriously. As soon as I hear that it is “going around”, I know it’s coming to me! And this time, just for kicks, I actually got THROWN UP ON! How do you get out of it at that point??? (Poor baby Cherish…she is much better now!)

So, all of that to say, that I have missed my Bible study. Sorry…yes…rumors are true…I am human. I do not delve into my Bible while I have the stomach bug. If you do, do not respond to this blog…I hate you. BUT…I must be feeling better, because my desire to pick up where I left off is coming back. I had also been praying that God PLEASE not let our baby be born while I am puking…my hair looked SO bad! (I only have one “just had a baby” picture out of FOUR that is decent! He is also the only baby I had that I had a flat stomach almost immediately after birth…even the nurses were in shock…he is my favorite.)

I have now started thinking that I can take care of a baby again, so that is good, also! Hair is back to normal. I even have make up on today. Yes…it makes a difference! BUT…with all the “normal” stuff coming back, so are the “normal” not so good things. The doubts…the what ifs…the anxiety. While sick, I really didn’t think a whole lot about God’s promises. Or the baby. But now, here I go asking for reassurance again because I have this silly human mind that thinks it needs constant encouragement and hand holding until our baby arrives. So, anyway…I decide to skip the days I was sick (in my yearly Bible) and start today, 1/10/09. As I am flipping the pages from 1/7/09…the last day I read…my eye is drawn to a few verses I had underlined last year on these days…allow me to share them with you.

“So I tell you, don’t worry about everyday life – whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn’t life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t need to plant of harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to Him than they are. “ Matthew 6:25-26

“Keep on asking, and you will be given what you ask for. Keep on looking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened.” Matthew 7:7

“Then the Lord did exactly what He had promised. Sarah became pregnant, and she gave a son to Abraham in his old age!” Genesis 21:1-2

And then I read on about Abraham willing to sacrifice his son…with faith that God would provide the lamb! There was a time…well…according to the markings in my Bible, it was a year ago…that God told me I was to share what He was doing in our lives.

“I will thank you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all the marvelous things you have done. I will be filled with joy because of you. I will sing praises to your name, O Most High.” Psalm 9:1

“The Lord is a shelter for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O Lord, have never abandoned anyone who searches for you….For he who avenges murder cares for the helpless. He does not ignore those who cry to him for help.” Psalm 9: 9-10, 12

And I haven’t even made it to today’s passage yet!

Many of you have asked how you can pray for us. Here are a few specifics until further notice!

1-DHS will move Samara and Josiah’s adoption along. The county’s are not cooperating…one tells us we should be finished…one won’t answer my phone calls. Please pray that this will move on smoothly. We are concerned that it might be held up due to our allegation report…we found out the DHS is recommending grief counseling for our family. To be quite honest and without getting really ugly about it, well, it just ain’t happening! When those people making the recommendations lose a child, and then want to meet and get to know me, then maybe I will take note of their recommendation. That is all I will say about that…

2- “January” baby will be protected in the womb from the drugs and lifestyle her bio mom is living. I am praying that God has been/will cover that baby with His hands in the womb and if there are issues when she is born, the doctors will have the wisdom and knowledge to care for her.

3- Birth mom…praying for her safety and health as well. I am also praying that God will put someone in her path to share His love with her. Don’t get me wrong…I would love for it to be us, but that isn’t happening right now. From what I have heard, she is in her early 20’s, been on drugs since she was 10, with the mentality of a 13 year old. Sounds very much like S&J’s birth mom.

4-That God will continue to hold us and put wonderful, praying people in our paths as we learn to live this life without Jacob.

That is all I can think of at this point.

So very personal...

2009-01-02T18:56:00.004-06:00

I want to tell you how personal my God is. I have only begun to realize this in the past few years. I have always had a "personal relationship" with God...well...from the time I accepted Him as my Savior...but I don't think I knew exactly what that meant.

I really started listening for His voice when we were considering foster care. Although at that time I didn't know how corrupt DHS was, I did know that there would be many issues to come...I knew I didn't want to go along that path on my own. God became very personal to me. I remember the Friday evening we got Josiah. We had 6 kids (DHS's magic number) including our bios, Jacob, and Samara had come just 2 weeks earlier. Having Josiah would put us "over the limit" number wise. DHS dropped Josiah off at our house, telling me not to unpack him. They said the only reason they even brought him to our house is because the judge court ordered it and they did not want to be in contempt. They said that they would be moving both Samara and Josiah on Monday, after court.

I was exhausted. I had worked so hard to get Josiah here with Samara. She asked for him every day. His family wanted him here. I was done. So that Friday night, I decided to let them go. I was tired of fighting DHS. As I was reading in my Bible, this is the verse I got:

"Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked." Psalm 82:3-4

I went to court, fought, and here we are, 2 years later, ready to adopt. There was another instance with Jacob that we were told some of the family was going to come to court and fight for him. (Actually...it wasn't family, but the adoptive mom of some of his bios...we had already had Jacob for over a year at this point.) I went to my Bible and while I cannot find the verse at this moment, God basically told me not to fight, but to sit back and allow Him to fight for me. And that is exactly what happened.

God was very personal and specific in those situations, and these are just two examples of how God led us through the foster/adopt journey. My Bible is SO marked up with promises, directions, and encouragement!

So, fast forward to yesterday. Here is part of what a friend whom I only know through this blog sent to me last night:

"your story just amazes me I can see the Love you have for children through your words and WoW How God Honors that in his word. I really feel the Holy Spirit has spoken to me and you will have your new baby soon. To some people that may sound crazy, being that I only know you by reading your blog but I feel strongly about this and cannot wait t o hear the news I check daily, I continue to pray for you and your family and the birth mother of your future child."

Now...you might read that and think, "wow...that was nice of her". But because of something I had done a few days earlier, this was HUGE!

I couldn't even tell you what day it was, but it was within the past week. As I was talking to God, just throwing things out there, I said, "please either close the door on this adoption, NOW, or encourage me along the way...let me know this is Your plan and we are following Your will. As a matter of fact, God, why don't you tell one of my friends that "January" baby is ours. How cool would that be??? Tell someone else that this is going to happen to us."

Now...I dare you to tell me that God isn't a personal God! I double DOG dare you!!! Seriously, I NEVER imagined that God would answer that silly little prayer! I mean, I just threw it out there for fun! And, it's not like He hasn't confirmed this in so many other ways...every time I ask!

So...do you think it would be too much for me to ask God to mark the date in my yearly Bible that this baby is coming???? LOL!!! God is laughing at me a little today!

God is speaking...

2008-12-27T22:14:00.004-06:00

The Phillips had a very nice Christmas. To say it was hard with Jacob would be an understatement, but I choose joy. I had joy. I have joy. I watched my children as they passed out the gifts they had bought for each other...they did enjoy receiving, but each of them was more anxious to give. Hallelujah, God can speak to and teach them in spite of me.

I am relieved to be finished with Christmas. Next year will be better and I plan on being an active participant! Everything is cleaned up...not a trace of Christmas left at this house! (Well, don't look out in the garage...Patrick still has to put the trees up in the attic!) Ahhhhh...I love to decorate for Christmas, but I also love to have all the extras out of my house!

(Side note...so thankful that this blog auto saves as I just recovered from what my computer guru hubby calls the "blue screen of death"!)

We have some news regarding our possible....wait....probable....wait....unless God changes His mind adoption! "T" tried to call me yesterday! UGH! Again...I had been up half the night praying for her and the baby. I did not know that she had been given our number...that is a good thing...it means she is calling her family in Texas and checking in. I am praying that she call again, and I know in God's timing she will. She is still here in Oklahoma. One problem is money...she doesn't have any, so calling is a problem. I realized yesterday morning that we have a toll free number! (For our adoption website thingy!) "A"...our contact...is going to get this info to her family. That way she will not have to worry about money for a pay phone. I just cannot imagine the hold drugs have on people that they would choose to live this way.

So...that was God's encouragement for me yesterday. Today, as I was reading my Bible, this is what He said:

"Ask the Lord for rain in the spring, and he will give it. It is the Lord who makes storm clouds that drop showers of rain so that every field becomes a lush pasture." Zechariah 10:1

I am asking for rain and believing He will give it.

"He is the one who keeps every promise forever, who gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry." Psalm 146:6-7

"The Lord protects and preserves the strangers and temporary residents, He upholds the fatherless and the widow and sets them upright, but the way of the wicked He makes crooked (turns upside down and brings to ruin)." Psalm 146:9

Because of the way I had been praying, I took this verse very personally and literally. "T" is the temporary resident (of Oklahoma), our baby is the fatherless, and "T" drugs/whatever she is running from is the wicked. God is SO in control of this!

Please continue to pray for "T"s safety and protection and also for the health of our baby. Patrick is off work this next week...would be the "perfect" time to bring a new baby home! (As a reminder, baby is due in 4 weeks!)

Well, I was going to add some of our Christmas pics, but they have somehow disappeared from my camera! UGH! Patrick is trying to do his "techy" magic for me...praying it works...I will be sick if they are all gone! Okay...it will be fine...breathe.

They were really cute...just so you know!

Be still and know that I am God...

2008-12-23T19:50:00.007-06:00

Well, quite a lot has happened since I posted. I will start where I left off. Two days after bio dad relinquished, we had a meeting with DHS. It took all of 5 minutes and I think it was just a "cover our butts" meeting. (DHS is supposed to have these meetings once every 6 months...this is the first I have EVER been to with ANY of my foster babies.) Anyway, long story short, we should finalize the adoption in JANUARY!!! Seriously! The two workers said we could be done by Christmas, and I kindly asked them if they were smokin crack! BUT...January will work for me! I have already talked to our lawyer and she is working on it!

We were also given the "green light" to change their names. For awhile, we were not going to because of their emotional state...that has all changed now. In January, 2009, we will be adopting Samara Grace and Josiah Nathan. "Samara" means "God has protected" and "Josiah" means "God has healed". Perfect, don't you think?? They are adjusting well to the new names, although there was a little confusion when Josiah thought we were calling him "Messiah"! Not even close, dude! We need the new names...too many bad memories with the old names.

Then, a few days after that, Samara had her speech/developmental testing. Her speech is delayed, but the speech pathologist is not concerned as Samara just received her tubes last March and had definate hearing loss before that. She is catching up nicely. Now...onto the developmental testing. We really believed that there were things in the child's brain that were not connecting...you know...loose wires so to speak. It always got worse after some sort of trauma (bio visits) but there was just something we couldn't put our finger on. She could write her name if I told her the letters, but couldn't tell you the names of the letters. She would know something one day and not the next. She has been 4 since March and still has to "count" it on her fingers....can't just say "I'm four"! And we have WORKED on this for a LONG time.

So...she comes out of the room with the pathologist. She proceeds to tell me that Samara tests at a SIX YEAR OLD level! ARE YOU SERIOUS???? My jaw dropped and I practically told her she was out of her mind. Her response to my "issues"??? Samara has been playing us. Her daddy said, "Yep...she's SO smart she had you and her therapist fooled!" So, on the way out, I told Samara how good she did and how smart she was. She said, "No, I'm not." I said, "Oh yes you are...that lady said so!" From that point on, all I have had to say to her is, "Remember that lady?" Samara sighs really big and proceeds to do whatever it is she is trying not to be able to do! BUSTED SISTER!!!! I am relieved, at least I know that my expectations are NOT beyond her! It is amazing how far she has come in just a couple of weeks!

We are still on track to adopt "January" baby. Thursday night, I did not sleep well. I felt impressed to pray for "T", the bio mom of our baby. I prayed for her protection and that God would place someone in her path that could help her. I prayed all night for "T". At this point, we had not heard from her. She called Friday morning wanting to make sure we were still planning on adopting her baby. Thank you, God. BUT...while she has called several times, she has not been able to talk. We are afraid she is on the run. Please pray for her safety and that of the baby. She is in Oklahoma, we do know that. This will make it MUCH easier on us. (Remember...God said He would "smooth our way"!) "T" knows she needs to sign some paperwork and we have the resources to keep her safe and in hiding (thanks to my fabulous friend) so we are just praying for God's provision.

Christmas is about 28 hours away. The past couple of weeks have been up and down emotionally for me. Just the thought of a holiday without Jacob is almost more than I can bear sometimes. I am having trouble with some of the normal things...pictures, especially. Christmas pics this year will be sparce and that will have to be okay. Christmas gifts are a blur...I have no creativity or thoughtfulness this year. This part of grief ticks me off the most. I am used to being this certain kind of person, and I just cannot be that person right now. I see people doing kind things for others and that used to be me. I just can't. I know that one day that will come back, but right now, I feel so selfish. I was discussing this with our therapist (who happens to be a very dear friend) and she told me to look on my wall.

I put this verse on my wall the week after we moved into our new house in April. I have preached it to my friends, believed it myself, and here was my therapist throwing it up in my face. I kindly told her to shut up! She explained to me that this is my time to "be still". God does not expect me to be the same person I was before Jacob died...quite the contrary. He is molding me and teaching me to trust Him and only Him. He is making me into a new and (hopefully) improved version of "Tracy". I am hoping He will build on my good qualities and get rid of some of the yucky ones! I know that God has a purpose for my life. I have no doubt that He will use our story for His glory...He was using our story BEFORE Jacob died. All I do know is that whatever His plan is, I am willing. I do not want to step out in front of God, but I am ready to walk right beside Him.

As my therapist (and friend...don't forget this!) and I were discussing my feelings of selfishness and such, I was reminded of what a liar Satan is. It just hit me that the father of lies was really doing a number on me. Every other person in my life has basically "given me a HUGE break". As I would do for them in the same situation...everyone except Satan. I have never been more aware of his delight in hitting you when you are down. And it isn't anything that anyone else would notice...I haven't committed any crimes or been ugly to my kids, but here is what he has been doing. In my ear, I hear things like "You are such a failure as a mom...are you even teaching those kids about God right now?? Nope, you are neglecting their spiritual growth because you are consumed with your own grief." "Seriously?? Those are going to be the dumbest homeschooled kids ever...Ashlee will be in 9th grade next year...how many languages can she speak??" "Couldn't you even read one of the 14 Christmas books you have to your kids this year?? It is the birth of Christ...how many nursing homes have you caroled at??"

And then there is the doubt...did God REALLY promise me this baby??? Could He really have given me 1247 confirmations and meant it?? I know I told him that I had to sell that house if this were our baby and He did it...but really???

So, I caught him at his lies...that got better...so then guess what he does??? He starts putting these pictures of Jacob in my head at the most inopportune times! I refuse to be in the pit...and in the midst of it all, God spoke to me through my "Power of a Praying Parent" book.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ." Philippians 4:6-7

(I got this verse about 5 different times in about 2 days!)

"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

I have also been singing the old "Imperials" song, "Praise the Lord"...

When you're up against a struggle
That shatters all your dreams
And your hope has been cruelly crushed
By Satan's manifesting scheme
And you feel the urge within you
To submit to earthly fears
Don't let the faith you're standing in, seem to disappear
(Chorus)
Praise the Lord
He can work with those who praise Him ,
Praise the Lord
For our God inhabits praise,
Praise the Lord
For the chains that seem to bind you
Serve only to remind you that they drop powerless behind you
When you praise him
Now satan is a liar
And he wants to make us think
That we are paupers
When he knows himself
We're children of the King
So lift up the might shield of faith
For the battle has been won
We know that Jesus Christ has risen
So the work's already done

Been singing this one a lot...and how amazing is it that our Father God comforts us with songs from the 80's??? :) Who would have thought!

Today we spent a lot of time baking. We made little goodie boxes for all of our neighbors. (We live in a small addition...only 11 houses so far!) My kids delivered the boxes while I watched from our warm home! (Daddy drove them.) I can see almost every other house from one of our windows, so I watched them as they blessed others. They were so excited to be able to do this. I wasn't sure if I could pull it off this year, but God gave me the strength today. I want our neighbors to see us as more than the family that lost their child. I want them to see us as the family that God has provided for and healed by His mercy and grace. Anyway, I had hot chocolate ready for them when they got home...they were so funny. I have great kids.

I know this post hasn't been very "smooth" in it's readability, but I wanted to update you the best I could before Christmas. I look forward to 2009 with all God has planned for us. I am ready and willing. Are you?

Unless the Lord builds a house,

2008-12-08T14:08:00.003-06:00

"Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless. Unless the Lord protects a city, guarding it with sentries will do no good. It is useless for you to work so hard from early morning until late at night, anxiously working for food to eat; for God gives rest to his loved ones. Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him. Children born to a young man are like sharp arrows in a warrior's hand. How happy is the man whose quiver is full of them! He will not be put to shame when he confronts his accusers at the city gates." (Psalm 127:1-5)

This was my Psalm of the day. Perfect, don't you think??? I have struggled and worried for more than TWO years about Stevee and Jessy (notice I used their real names??). Today, their bio dad relinquished his rights, telling the judge that his attorney told him many good things about the family that wants to adopt them. (Us!) It is done. PRAISE THE LORD!!!

God is adding to our quiver. He is building the house. He is protecting our city. He is giving us rest. And, he is giving us a gift of children.

Thank you for all the prayers! Now we pray the adoption proceeds QUICKLY!! All it will take is a little effort on the part of DHS...all the paperwork has been prepared.

Those who trust in the Lord...

2008-12-06T22:38:00.007-06:00

As I was taking my nightly bubble bath, God and I were having a discussion. It seemed a little one sided, until I got out of the tub and started reading my Bible.

God and I were talking about court on Monday. I was letting Him know that I really needed our case to go to trial...I am so tired of waiting and having DHS in my home, telling me what to do, having to ask permission to pick my nose, I am just tired. I was thinking that maybe we should just hire our own attorney and get this whole thing overwith. If we hire our own attorney, it would definately make DHS mad, but once we get tpr on bio dad, our adoption would go much faster. (Remember...Jake's took 10 months and that was with NO problems other than the lack of DHS participation in the matter!)

I was also talking to Him about our January baby and all the details regarding that. Here is what God told me:

"Those who trust in the Lord are as secure as Mount Zion; they will not be defeated but will endure forever. Just as the mountains surround and protect Jerusalem, so the Lord surrounds and protects His people, both now and forever." (Psalm 125:1-2)

And about hiring a lawyer: "If a wise person takes a fool to court, there will be ranting and ridicule, but no satisfaction." (Proverbs 29:9) I am considering myself to be the "wise" one here and DHS the "fool"! I am always totally amazed when God answers a prayer so quickly and specifically.

I also want to share a conversation that "S" and I had today. She came to us when she was 2 1/2 years old. We were her first glimpse of stability and normal family life.

S - What are you doing?

Me - Sewing (I explained to her a little bit more about what I was doing.)

S - Can I sew like you?

Me - Well, when you are older you can.

S - When I am older like you, can I spank people??

Me - (spitting my Pepsi) Well, I guess if you have kids that are naughty, you can spank them, but you can't just spank "people" in general!

S - When I am older like you, I'm gonna have four children.

Me - Really? You are going to have four children?

S - Yes, and when we get a baby, the children will hold it all the time.

Me - That sounds like a plan!

She wants what we have and that makes me feel extremely humbled and gratified. Healing babies...it's what I have been called to have a part in. I am also amazed at how a child not of my biology can be so much like us...she has my heart for children.

Here are a few pics we had taken for Christmas cards and such...I thought they turned out pretty well considering this was done only a few hours after we learned about the medical examiner's report on Jacob...

This is Noah...he was the "baby" of the family for WAY too long! He LOVES attention!

"What are you doing, Noah???"