The day after...

I am still okay. God has intevened in a mighty way here in my life the past few days, a way that I am having trouble comprehending. I keep waiting for this tragic turn of events to hit me in a way that would leave me unable to function. I just don't think that is going to happen. Today, I woke up without trembling. I am able to eat. I am able to think about the future and am excited about the planning that will involve. (For those of you who only know me as the mom who lost her 2 year old, I used to be quite the organized planner type person...enough to make you sick!!) My kids are still color coded, but that's for another blog.

As I look back on the past week, I can see now that God protected me from attaching to that baby. Sure, I held her, fed her, changed her, loved on her, comforted her, but today, I am not mourning that loss. I don't even miss her. What's wrong with me? Maybe because I knew she was never mine? I suppose I had been looking forward to the IDEA of Emma for so long, the IDEA is what was lost. I have absolutely no attachment to that baby. I am sad that Emma will be forced into the foster care system, just a number, but God is ultimately in control of her life. I did not conceive a baby that was born addicted to cocaine and marijuana. Just like my other kiddos...I did not give Jacob his Sensory issues, Josiah RAD nor did I give Samara attachment issues. Fortunately, God has used me in their lives and I am thankful for that, but a lifetime with this little baby was not the plan. God used us for whatever purpose He had for us and that purpose has been fulfilled.

I have had many people say they think DHS will call us for this baby...I don't think so. I also do not believe, unless God were to change my heart, that I could take her even if we were called. She is a DHS baby now. I am out of DHS with no regrets! My focus is on my family that is here, living in my house daily. I don't know what God has in store for us, well, I know SOME things, but they do not involve a new baby. And still, I am at peace. TOTAL peace with how this turned out. And here is what God promised me today in my Bible reading:

"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

And then right after:

"Don't say 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord to handle the matter. The Lord despises double standards; He is not pleased by dishonest scales." Proverbs 20:22-23

Lest you think God has forgotten me.

About 8-9 years ago, I was in a Bible study. I don't remember the details, but I do remember popping off in class, saying "I am totally fine being a mediocre Christian, if it means I don't have to go through any heartache." It must have been a Beth Moore study, but I was thinking along the lines of Anne Graham Lotz, and some other very spiritual people that I looked up to. Each one of them had gone through some sort of tragedy in their lives. I didn't want that and if that's what had to happen to become "spiritual", then I would pass.

Ummmm...yeah. Well, God obviously had different plans for this "mediocre" Christian! The journey has been very painful, but I am reaping what has been sown. There is a song by Point of Grace called "Heal the Wound" that I hope to sing one day as I give my testimony...somewhere...because as painful as this journey is, God has shown Himself to me in a mighty way, in a way that I know whatever comes my way, God is good, all the time. God does EVERYTHING...not just some things, but EVERYTHING for OUR own good. Knowing that makes the process a little easier.

Heal the Wound:

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Call to me and I will answer you...

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:2-3)

I have called out to Him and He has answered. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, His answer is "no".

We will not be adopting Emma Claire. It's done. I am done.

"E" showed up at the DHS office, with a family member (whom I didn't know existed after spending the majority of my time with "E" for the last 12 weeks) and said she would NOT relinquish her rights to us, she did not want me to have her baby. Now...before I get anymore "anonymous" comments about what I should or shouldn't say regarding "E", all I have ever done is try to help her. It hasn't even been about the baby most of the time, it has all been about "E". If you are trying to be a friend to me and are worried about my well being, please sign your name.

I have not ONE regret as to how "E" was treated by me. God is my judge, and while I am sure I didn't do everything right with "E", I did my very best to care for her. My only regret at this point is the time she took away from my family. I will not allow that to happen again. My children are just now getting their "mom" back since Jacob died. We cannot put them through this rollercoaster any longer.

As far as pursuing further adoptions, I really can't say. Today, at this time, I would say "no", but I am exhausted. I do know, however, that I will not be working for one. God will have to lay it in our laps. And who knows, my promise was that when we got "Emma Claire", we would be done. We had her...so maybe we are done.

How is Tracy doing? I am at perfect peace. I can't tell you what a relief it has been to know it's over. I am disappointed, of course, but I know God isn't finished with me. I have a new ministry in the wings that I am excited about, I get to spend time with my kids without interuption (oh how I have missed that!), I don't have to worry about all the phone calls, worrying if "E" is going to show up for her appointments, worrying if she is safe, and DHS is still out of our home! I will have time for my husband, who has been so supportive and helpful in all of this.

It's kind of strange, but there is also a bit of excitement. I believe the not knowing is the hardest part. And now we know.

Please pray for my kids...they have been through more than they deserve. They have planned for Emma as much as we have. I feel like this whole process has been so much about ME, that I have ignored their needs some. I am finished! I am the mom!!

And due to recent events...our school year will start SOONER than planned...sshhh...don't tell my kids yet...remember...they've been through a lot! :)

It has taken me awhile to write this post due to interuptions, but since I started, I am even MORE at peace. We have already started making some plans as a family and I am excited!

Do I feel like I wasted my time with "E"? Well, yes, as I have nothing to show for it, but I am sure if I could see the BIG picture, God would show me that kindness is never wasted. "E" was brought into our lives so we could be Jesus to her. That has happened and cannot be changed. A couple of weeks ago, when "E" was at the mental hospital, one of the nurses was laughing at her because she calls me "mama". The nurse told her I couldn't be her "mama" because I sounded too young on the phone. (We are the same age.) We were laughing about that and I said, "E, why DO you call me mama?" She got a little embarassed looking and said, "It's because you treat me just like I'm one of your own and nobody has ever treated me that way before." She knows. I believe Satan has her mind right now, but ultimately, "E" knows I loved her and tried to do what was best for her.

"In my distress, I cried unto the Lord, and He heard me." Psalm 120:1

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm ??

"Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. He will honor you, giving you the land." Psalm 37:34

"As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now." Psalm 40:17

I found these verses in a notebook I grabbed to write down a number this morning. I had written them down 2 years ago. God can use just about ANYTHING to speak to us!

No weapon formed against you shall prosper...

Amazing how a phone call can change your day, your plans, your life. But that's really all it takes.

After being told the hospital just needed our paperwork faxed, we were still told Emma would not be released to us until they went before the asstistant district attorney (ADA). So, I came home last night, intending on staying here with my family for the evening, and then going back today. I no more than got out of the parking garage that I couldn't leave Emma. I did...so I could take my bath and grab some new clothes, but I went back to the hospital to be with Emma. I was gone maybe 2 hours! I just couldn't do it as much as I wanted to be home. People were praying and we had a really good night, with Emma sleeping about 3 hours at a time. The best part was because she has been released medically, nobody came into our room to mess with her at all hours of the night.

Then we awoke today, hoping the ADA would look at our paperwork and say we could take Emma home, then get the relinquishment paperwork to them when we got it. This is a totally normal thing to do as birth moms aren't even out of the hospital this quick sometimes, and sometimes they go home on heavy medication and are not up to showing up in court right away. It was a slam dunk...what they always do.

Well...if you have been reading my blog for long, there ARE no slam dunks! ADA said that as soon as they received a copy of the relinquishment papers for "E", then they would release the baby. So we got a court hearing this afternoon. Problem was...no "E". She got her check and no telling how much of it she spent on drugs. I spent an hour praying and driving around looking for her before going up to court hoping she would show. (Her brother was looking for her, too.) About 10 minutes before court, she called me yelling...she was high and is a mean druggie. Needless to say, she was in no condition to go into court. So, no Emma today.

At this point (my attorney is STILL working on this, bless her heart, as well as the DHS workers involved...minus the ADA...nobody understands why this is all happening and really want Emma placed with us) we have two options to get Emma into our home.

1 - "E" calls me and shows up sober to relinquish her rights. Emma would automatically come to us.

2 - DHS would open our home as a kinship foster placement. Then if/when "E" shows up to relinquish, DHS would dismiss the case and we would go on with our adoption.

#1 would be the best outcome...easiest/quickest for all involved, but #2 seems the most likely outcome as "E" won't likely call for a few days, if ever again. Worst case, "E" never shows again, Emma becomes a foster/adopt placement and we adopt her through DHS. While in some ways, I am tempted to go this route. I know...I hate DHS...but it's for Emma. Also, I am worried about "E's" behavior in court. No telling what she might say, plus if she decided to change her mind, the baby would go into DHS custody, anyway. If Emma is ALREADY in DHS custody and "E" comes around saying she changed her mind, it won't matter. "E" would be considered an automatic termination case due to her past DHS history (which I just found out about.) Same result, would just take longer.

Our next issue. We need DHS (our county) to approve us to open our home back up. I have spent this afternoon talking to many higher up people regarding this and am hopeful. Our prayer is that those in control will open our home and be done with it. We can bring Emma home tomorrow if that happens. Please be in prayer about this (I know you all have prayed enough for me already to last my whole lifetime.)

My "old" workers in our county are on top of this. One person (the hardest one to reason with) was out today, but will be back tomorrow. As long as she okays it, we can open our home again. I just wanted to mention that my licensing worker has been a God send...she has been so helpful and encouraging and she didn't even have to take my call. I love her. (I did the whole time she was our worker!) The OK county workers want us to have this baby. They are making calls like you wouldn't believe and trying to get around the ADA's ruling (as is my attorney tomorrow.) So...I left Emma tonight at the hospital. I am almost sick because of the stress and not being home since last Wednesday. I need to be home. I felt a peace leaving her tonight (after talking with the hospital's social worker for an hour in our room...she thinks we are the perfect placement and can't understand all the crap.)

I think I am also letting go a little bit. A couple of days ago, I wasn't ready to let her go. I wasn't okay with this being God's plan. Today, I am. Maybe because I'm exhausted and have no feelings left in me, I don't know, but I do know (mostly because of all you facebook friends who have encouraged me daily) that God has a plan...STILL! So, whatever happens, I am okay. I think. Don't get me wrong...I want more than ANYTHING to bring that tiny baby home. How will I tell my kids that we lost ANOTHER baby? I can handle me...I can't handle my kids grieving anymore.

So...I come home. I spend some time with my husband who I missed terribly, ate some real food (lost 5 pounds at the hosptial) and took my bath. As I was ready my "Power of a Praying Parent", today's prayer is on protection. Fitting, huh? And I read the first verse...then the second...then...well, here...you read them:

"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust." Psalm 91:1-2

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2

"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord." Isaiah 54:17

"Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling." Psalm 91-9-10

"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8

And earlier, I chose to read Psalm 31, because it's the day Emma was born and I didn't have my regular "through the year" Bible...read it...it was perfect for me today.

So, I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I have many people to call, but I am so weary. My prayer is that those in charge will do all the work and just call me to tell me it's time to pick up my baby.

In the meantime, I am still aware of who is ultimately in control and tonight I will "both lie down in peace and sleep".

Update...

The morning didn't start out well, as I was told that we would have to stay another day because - guess what? DHS didn't do their job. I know you all are SHOCKED!! As am I! :)

Needless to say, I was in tears. I haven't slept since Wednesday and Ashlee is leaving for camp tomorrow. I need to be home TODAY! So, I am reminded that God is in control of all of this and is and will always be, bigger than DHS.

I told God that He was going to have to intercede because I can't stay here again and I need to be home with my kids. (I know...I'm such a baby and I know there are lots of worse things that could be going on...but remember...no sleep since Wednesday and I am an eight hour a night kind of gal!)

About 10 minutes later, the nurse came in and said she had talked to the hospital social worker (who started all the mess) and said all they need is a copy of the signed by the judge order giving us temporary custody. We did this on Friday and it was faxed to the worker already. (By the way...the hospital needing a copy of the order is totally normal.)

The next prayer was that I could get in touch with my attorney. I did within about 30 minutes and she is going to take time away from HER family (thanks DHS) to get the paperwork from her office and faxed AGAIN to the hospital.

As it stands now, as soon as the paperwork is faxed here, we can go home. PRAISE GOD!!! Our prayer now is for no more bumps in this rocky road! Tracy needs her recliner!

As for Emma, she is a miracle, as we all know. The doctors keep saying how amazed they are that they can't find anything wrong with her. Just from the things I DO know about her life in the womb, she should have major problems. But this baby has been bathed in prayer (and know in pink Johnson's lotion) for the past 10 weeks, so we shouldn't be surprised.

Meet Emma Claire

We had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, July 29, just a regular visit. Because of "E's" behavior and addictions, the doctor decided that Emma would be safer outside the womb. We had an amnio done to check for lung maturity and were back at the doctor on Thursday for the results. Lungs were good, so they sent us to labor and delivery to be induced. WOOHOO!!!



At about 11:00pm, the doctor came in and said "E" was in a latent phase and would not deliver until the next afternoon. I decided, in all my wisdom, to go home and sleep. The nurse was to call when "E" was at a "9". At 3am, I got a call that "E" was at a "6" and her water broke, I had better get up there. As I was walking toward the room, "E" called to tell me she had had the baby. I called her a liar and she laughed. When I got to the labor and delivery floor, the nurse said that not 5 minutes after she called, she couldn't find the baby's heartbeat, so she lifted up the blanket to adjust the monitor, and there was Emma's head already delivered! So, I missed it. But I am okay with that. I am a results person, I don't really care for the process. Oh...and "E" slept through the entire thing...the nurse was in shock!!



So, Emma Claire was born at 3:04am, July 31st, weighing 6 lbs, 5 oz, 19 inches long. She is perfectly healthy, other than some tremors that are getting better. We were moved into a room by ourselves to start our lives together.



All was going well, when DHS decided that they hadn't interfered with our lives enough. Evidently, they are afraid that "E" will not show up to sign the relinquishment papers next week. I have no doubt that she WILL, besides the fact that I know where to find her. SO, we had about 5 hours of DHS telling us that they were taking the baby into custody and going to try and get us approved as a kinship home. WHAT???? I told them in not very kind words that there was NO way we were doing DHS again, all the while trying to explain to them that we had a lawyer and all the paperwork in place already. Well, the worker enjoyed her power and also had very little knowledge of the system. (That last statement is purely my own opinion.) I proceeded to call my old licensing worker (remember...we closed our home to DHS a couple of months ago!) and she was all over it. She couldn't believe the gall of the worker, stating that there was NO reason to take the baby if there is already a plan in place. Our county called the OK county director to have this stopped, and the county director agreed. The worker here at the hospital was still demanding a bunch of crap from us, but in the meantime, our fabulous attorney filed the paperwork for temporary custody to go to US. Last I heard, the documents had all been faxed to the appropriate people, so PLEASE pray that when we go to check out of the hospital tomorrow morning, that everyone has done their job and we can go home. It's one thing to sit in a hospital room when you are sick, but I AM NOT SICK!!!! And my family is doing things at home like ordering pizza and having movie night...WITHOUT ME!! (I have a fantastic hubby...who happens to look HUGE when he holds Emma!) So....if I have to stay one more night because of DHS...Howard Hendricks WILL be hearing from me. (As a matter of fact, my worker told me to call him yesterday! He's the director of DHS!)


So...today is a better day. I also found out (since writing that last paragraph) that social workers do work weekends here at the hospital, so that is a huge relief.

"E" left the hospital today. She was scheduled to have her tubes tied, but backed out last minute. And by last minute, I mean laying on the table with the IV already in. Please continue to pray that "E" will turn her life around and surrender fully to Christ. She has the information, she just has to choose to follow. She did not hold Emma, but she did come and visit us frequently and talked/touched her. She said she is very happy with her decision, and she genuinely acted happy and relieved. But somewhere, deep down, she has to be sad. I have seen a sadness in her eyes before...like she can see a life that could have been. I love "E" for the gift she has given our family. I would also ask that you would continue to pray as "E" will need to show up for court sometime next week to sign her relinquishment papers. I don't doubt she will do it once she is there, but I am pretty sure she is anxious to get back to her lifestyle. I will see her on Monday and promised her pictures of Emma.

I want to thank you all, again, for your continued prayers. I wept as I read all of your responses when I would ask for prayers for different issues yesterday on facebook. I am amazed at God's family and how He has designed His children to pray for one another. I have spent the last year of my life being fervantly prayed for and I feel a little guilty that there has been so much for you to pray for me about! I want to be the one praying for YOU! But, God has kept me in a place of healing and used you all to intercede on my behalf. How glorious is the family of God! I want you to know that God is allowing me to come out of this state...I can feel it.

I suppose I should sleep while Emma sleeps...I just wanted you all to see God's promise fulfilled in our Emma. This song from the new Selah CD explains how my heart feels...we have not been "unredeemed".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfGbcjCVDOs

The time has come...

"Be glad for all God is planning for you. Be patient in trouble, and always be prayerful." Romans 12:12

I took "E" to her OB appointment today. I was a little disappointed because we have conflicting due dates ("E" keeps giving them different dates) and the dr last time wouldn't go by our ultrasound because it wasn't done at their hospital. (Picture my eyes rolling!) So she said we could induce on the due date, August 17. So I asked her if it was really safer for the baby to remain in the womb at this point with all the drugs that "E" is on, both legal and illegal. She said she was thinking the same thing and would talk to her boss. She came back in and said "We have two options. We can deliver the baby next week, OR, we can do an amnio to check lung maturity and deliver you today." WHAT?? But, "E" has a date with a "friend". (Another eye roll.) So, we are scheduled to go in tomorrow for a non-stress test and decide when she can be admitted. The doctor who did the amnio said he wants baby out by the weekend! WOOHOO!!!

That means Emma will be here in the next few days! This was a very welcome surprise and an answer to many prayers on Emma's behalf.

I will post pictures as soon as we have some to post!!

Still waiting...

(Patty...this is for you!)

Well, still no baby Emma. "E" will leave the mental hospital tomorrow, so Praise God she has had 10 days of great care. He hasn't let me down so far, so I refuse to worry about "E" and the rest of her pregnancy. "E" is doing so much better, has gained weight, has her diabetes under control, etc. BUT...tomorrow she goes back to the lifestyle she is accustomed to, so please pray for her protection and health for the next 3 weeks. "E" did tell me that being in the mental hospital made her feel good about herself...you know...being around all those crazy people. (Her words...not mine!) I am still praying she goes into labor before she actually gets out tomorrow...just so you know!

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On Sunday, July 19, Jacob would have turned 3 years old. The actual birthday was not as hard as the anticipation of the birthday...but then again, I had SO many people praying for me. I will NEVER be able to thank you all enough, or repay you even a portion of what you deserve. One of my faithful friends gave me this for Jacob's birthday:

It's a little hard to see, but it has Jacob's name, with 2 each of three stones. July, for his birthday, September for the day we got him, and August for the day we finalized his adoption. I had mentioned to a group of my friends that I had found a place that would make jewelry of "your story" and I was thinking about getting something, but had no idea she would do this for me. I cried. But it was sweet tears.

Another one of my faithful friends and her family went to Jacob's graveside and let off balloons in honor of his birthday.

How sweet was that??? She also offered to bring me chocolate! But I was doing okay. I have the BEST friends, EVER!! God is so good to me.

Today, I started working on school stuff for the next school year. God has healed my heart in such amazing ways. I get so excited when I look back at the day and see how much I have accomplished. I have only just started to feel like the "real" Tracy and I have truly missed her.

At some point at the beginning of this long journey, I pretty much told God that I couldn't do this for more than a year. My kids need me. Of course, He told me that they really didn't, they only needed Him, but whatever. :) I am just so excited for the future. God is my hope and He has proven Himself to me over and over again.

"Yet what we suffer now is NOTHING compared to the glory He will give us later..." Romans 8:18