Getting off the roller coaster...

Well, at least this one!

I did not go to court today. "E" called yesterday morning and everything was still on for court today. A few hours later, she called and totally changed her mind...the cousin that has the baby was with her. She was high again.

And I was at peace. I cannot tell you how I began to enjoy my day after that phone call. I wasn't upset, or sad, or anything. Just at peace. I know that God spoke to me about the promise of our Emma this past week. He confirmed and told me that Emma would be mine. I believe Him.

I did talk to the DHS worker today and she was in shock as well. Evidently, "E" had called her on Friday and told her she was going to pick us today. The worker doesn't think the judge is going to allow "E" to choose ANYBODY. She will have her rights terminated and the baby will be adopted out through DHS. The cousin will be looked at first, because she is "family". (Not the kind of family that supported "E" throughout her pregnancy, but, whatever.) Now, if something happens and the cousin is not allowed to keep her, then they will call us. I am not holding my breath. I am moving onward. I am not going to keep on trying to figure out what the purpose of this process has been. Maybe it was to teach me how NOT to be used by crazy drug addicts!!!

I know I keep getting you all excited about all of this and I feel bad when I have to come and tell you my crazy life has changed, ONCE again. I am really not a dramatic person...I hate drama. It just seems I can't get away from it right now!

I appreciate all of the prayers. We are going back online with www.christianadoption.com and we will also be filling out our adoption paperwork for DHS. I want to be ready no matter what God brings to us.

Thanks again for praying and thinking of us today! Now I must clean out the garage!!!

"Whatever He wants to do, He does..."

so He will do for me all He has planned." Job 23:13-14

WOW! Where do I start. Monday was the start of a new day...a new year. No more "firsts" since Jacob died. We were moving on (again and again). Then the phone rang. This is the conversation that took place:

DHS: May I speak to "E"?
Me: She isn’t at this number, may I help you?
DHS: Well, this is her DHS worker and I need to get in touch with her so I can go over her plan.
Me: Well, she is homeless and has no phone. (I gave her Northcare’s…the mental health counseling place she goes to… info and told her about E always getting her check there on the first) But, E is not going to do a case plan.
DHS: Oh, I know. I’m not offering her one, but we would like to see if she will relinquish. How do you know E?
Me: We are the couple who were supposed to adopt the baby.
DHS: OH! I know who you are. Well, it says in my notes that you are not interested in adopting through DHS. Is that right? Are you wanting to be totally out of this?
Me: Well, when I said that, I was a little emotional and no, it would not be my first choice. Besides, I didn’t think there was any possibility of us adopting this baby at this point. If we did decide to adopt, it would have to be a pretty much done deal…I can’t have her again and then lose her.
DHS: Well, we are going to tpr E and I just need to know if you are willing to adopt the baby.
Me: Is she still at the hospital or in the shelter?
DHS: No, she is in a kinship home…with a cousin.
Me: Is the cousin not wanting to keep her?
DHS: Well, we don’t know yet, but I wanted to see where you stood in case. When we TPR, we need an adoptive home ready to go.
Me: Yes. We will adopt her if that option were to open up.
DHS: Okay. That’s what I needed to know. I will let you know when I find something out.

SERIOUSLY??? And my first response is "GOD????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????"

So, I put out a fleece. Confirmation...whatever God wanted to give me. And I asked Him to show me what to do, how to move forward (and then I got bold) through a phone call.

That was Monday. Yesterday was Thursday. I was helping at my sister's garage sale. I had run home to get a few boxes of girl baby clothes. I was going to really thin them out and give some things away. I loaded up my truck, and headed back to the sale. I took in the box of boy things I had, and prepared to unload the truck. My phone rang.

It was "E". She needed me to take her to court so she could sign over her rights to me. WHAT????? She was told by the worker that she needed to be at court to relinquish her rights and choose who she wanted her baby to go to and she said she wanted me to have Emma.

Well, she had some of her facts right, but court was not yesterday. It's Monday at 1:30pm. And I have talked to "E's" worker, and she has confirmed what will happen.

Basically, "E" will go to DHS court. She will tell the judge that she wants to give guardianship of Emma to us (or whomever she chooses) and she can sign right then and there. Guardianship means that we will be OUT of DHS!!! We will still be under the judge's eye for a year, but guess who the judge is??? JACOB'S JUDGE!!! The one who shut his court down to come to Jake's funeral! He loves us!

After a year, we can file tpr on "E" ourselves and proceed with the adoption. This option is TOTALLY fine with us. No DHS involvement, we get our baby, and "E" will be finished with her part of all of this.

"For I have stayed in God's paths; I have followed His ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from His commands but have treasured His word in my heart. Nevertheless, His mind concerning me remains unchanged, and who can turn Him from His purposes? Whatever He wants to do, He does. So He will do for me all He has planned. He controls my destiny." Job 23:11-14

That was my passage of the day yesterday...rather fitting, don't you think??

Here are my prayer requests:

1 - "E" will remain sober. (She spent 3 weeks in detox and is now in outpatient rehab...and doing well!)
2 - The court will recognize that DHS should not have stepped in at all.
3 - We will have peace no matter the outcome.
4 - "E" will follow through with her plan this time. (I am confident that she will show for court...she gave me her ID. She has to have it on Tuesday to cash her check. This is her way of letting me know she is serious.)
5 - That "E" will have clarity of mind on Monday. She gets flustered easily.

No matter the outcome, there will be closure. And for that I will be grateful. "E" and I have talked in depth about what happened at the hospital and some things that went on that I had suspected, and now have proof...it will be addressed to the higher ups, but not until Emma is safe at home.

Please feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try and answer them!

Oh...and I didn't sell any girl things at the garage sale!!!

One year ago today...

I have thought a lot about what I wanted this days entry to say. Some days it was going to be a very strong post about how God has pulled us through this tragedy. Some days it was going to be a very weepy post with me feeling very sorry for myself. Some days, it was going to be filled with pictures of Jacob...and I mean pictures until you puke! LOTS of them! But now that the time has actually come, I really don't know what to post. Maybe the truth would be the best way to go with this today.

A year ago today, as we were preparing for a day of celebration, Jacob Levi Phillips, was climbing on his dresser. It fell and caught him between the dresser and the end of the bed. He breathed his last sweet Jacob breath before falling into the arms of our Savior.

Two days before Jacob died, this is what I underlined in my Bible:

"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord had taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

A year ago today, although I knew that God would see me through the worst day of my life, I wasn't sure exactly HOW He was going to do that. I remember being afraid of how I would view my Savior. Would I be angry? Would I blame Him? Would I be able to breathe again? Will I be able to sing praises? Will I be able to tell others about Him? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be joyful again? So many questions.

As I was reminded this week by a dear friend, Jacob's life was never meant to be any longer than it was. As his mommy, I had great plans for his life. As his maker, God's plans for his life were completely fulfilled. As his mommy, I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to listen to him learn to talk. I wanted to watch him learn to ride a bike. And read. And give me chocolate grand babies. I wanted to hear him pray the sinner's prayer asking Jesus into his sweet little heart. I wanted to watch him on stage singing with the children's choir. How CUTE that would have been. How he will be missed.

But God has been faithful. He is a good God. He holds me in the palm of His hand each and every day, gently guiding me through my own personal hell.

I want to take time in this post to sincerely thank all of my friends whether in real life, or in the blog world, who have lifted us up and interceded on our behalf. I know that this day...the year anniversary of our baby's death...could not have come and gone in such a sweet way without your prayers. I will forever be grateful and have asked my God to bless each and every one of you.

I know that our recovery will not be complete until we are in the arms of Jesus ourselves, but in the meantime, we will allow the grace of our Jesus to cover us. There will always be a hole in my heart where my baby belongs, but I am extremely grateful that God allowed that baby into our home for the time he was here.

We love you, Jacob Levi, and we will not forget you!

I would love to hear your thoughts...if you knew Jacob, a memory would be nice, or a thought you have had since reading my blog. I would really like to end this year with a time of reflection and remembering. I appreciate you all! (Even if you have never posted...this is your time!!)

He was a little baby...

We started school today. For writing, I require my kids (who are old enough) to write me a page each day about anything they want. Then I make corrections and they rewrite the final draft. As I was grading Ashlee's writing today, I happened to look back at something she had written a while ago and would like to share it with you. Ashlee was 13 years old when she wrote this.

"He was a little baby, not yet a boy, but for some reason we do not know, God called him home. He was the light of our life, a star shining throught the mist. And like everything else in this life, we took him for granted. He made us laugh when he laughed, and we became sad when he was sad. He was not perfect, but in our eyes there was no better. We are comforted to know that he does not miss us, but that he will know he is missed. My little brother, our shining star.

Life comes and goes. When it comes, people rejoice, but when it leaves, people don't always know what to do. Some people hide and cry, others aren't that subtle. A few choose, or cannot cry, for their grief is so great. A lot become angry. Angry at God and at people, but they shouldn't, for if you don't have God during these horrible times, who do you have? Family? Sure. Friends? Perhaps. But they will all fade away and leave you. God will not. So, don't be angry at God, or even other people whether or not it's their fault. For anger leads to bitterness and bitterness leads to death...or worse."

I could feel it coming...

And when it did, I found myself curled up in the little's room, on the floor, in front of the dresser, where Jacob died. I have one more week to go until he has been gone for an entire year. I didn't just cry, I wailed. I am not even sure I have ever cried like that before. I suppose it needed to be done, and I am quite sure I have been avoiding it like the plague. There was some screaming, too, and my sweet husband, who probably wasn't quite sure what to do with me as I wigged out, just sat there and cried with me, as I was reminded I wasn't the only one who had lost our baby.

I want little two year old chocolate arms to hug my neck so tightly, the way Jacob did. I want to hear the sound of his little voice. Did you know that I can't remember what he sounded like? I happened to find the video of pictures I had made to play during his adoption party...you know...the one we were preparing for the day he died?? I hit play to see if I could watch and had forgotten that I recorded his little voice saying his name on the video. It wasn't the same voice that I had remembered. I have to really try hard to remember his laugh...and it was a hilarious, chipmunk like laugh. How could I forget that? Sometimes I have a hard time picturing him in my head.

I WANT MY BABY BACK!!! I want my LIFE back. I want to stop crying. I want to go a day without being reminded of what I have lost. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I want to sleep through the night. I want to have energy during the day. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to be a good wife. I want to stop having to drive past the @#$% cemetery every stinking day. I want to be able to walk past little chocolate kids without feeling that knot in my stomach. I want to be a good friend...the kind that you all have been to me. I WANT OUT OF THIS!!!!! I AM DONE!

And then I am reminded...that none of this is any surprise to God. I know this in my heart of hearts. Patrick knows it, too. And I know everything is for my good. I also know that without suffering, there can be no mercy.

And mom...I will be fine...please don't call me because I don't really want to talk about it. I am going to bed early and will fine tomorrow.

One more thing...

I know...two posts in one day is truly a record for me! (Don't miss the post below from earlier today.)

Sometimes I forget what I pray for. Then the prayers are answered and later I suddenly realize, "Hey...I prayed for that!" Such is what has been happening today. A few days ago, I prayed that God would show me encouragement and confirmation regarding His promise of adoption to us through my friends. I was also searching the Word, but I needed it from all sides.

Yesterday, several of my dear friends were talking and revealed some things that confirmed what we are doing and also encouraged me greatly. Today, I received a phone call from a dear friend and we had almost the exact converasation as I had yesterday. Yet more encouragement and another confirmation. And here within the last 15 minutes, I have had two different emails of encouragement. I am going to share one with you as it has touched my heart in a way I cannot express and now I just sit here in awe of our Father and His love for our silly little needs and desires.

Hi Tracy,

I just read your blog and I thought of this devotional that someone sent to me recently. This is your time for rest and healing. God will strengthen you in due season, but for now, rest in Him, just like the prophet Elijah had to rest right at the height of his ministry.

God bless you,
Ladonna

Contradictory Truths, Part Two
by Charles R. Swindoll
1 Kings 19:9-21

God often delivers His best gifts to us in unexpected ways . . . with surprises inside the wrappings. Through apparent contradictions. Somewhat like the therapy He used when Elijah was so low, so terribly disillusioned.

How did the Lord minister to him? By an earthquake? In a whirlwind? Through a scorching fire? You'd expect all the above since Elijah was such a passionate, hard-charging prophet. But no. The story from 1 Kings 19 makes it clear that Jehovah was not in the earthquake or the wind or the fire. Too obvious. Too predictable. That's not the Sovereign's style.

After all the hullabaloo died down, there came "a gentle blowing" and shortly thereafter, ever so softly, "a voice" came to him (vv. 12-13) with words of reassurance and affirmation. Not, "You oughta be ashamed of yourself!" Or "What's a man of your stature doing in a crummy place like this?" None of that. No blame, no shame, no sermon, no name-calling, no blistering rebuke. In contradiction to the popular idea of confrontation (and surely surprising to Elijah himself), the Lord encouraged His friend to go on from there. He gave him a plan to follow, a promise to remember, and a traveling companion to help him make it through the night.

Another mysterious back-door delivery . . . another victim of despair rescued from the pit. No wonder Paul burst forth in praise of God's wisdom and knowledge by exclaiming:

How unsearchable are His judgments . . . [how] unfathomable His ways! (Romans 11:33b)

About the time we think we've got the whole picture in finite focus, an infinite hand quickly grabs the camera, changes lenses on us, points in another direction, and has us take an entirely different picture. Yet to our amazement, when everything is developed, we get the one thing we wanted all our lives through a process we would never have chosen.

It's like the anonymous poet's profound admission:

I asked God for strength, that I might achieve;
I was made weak, that I might learn to humbly obey.
I asked for health, that I might do greater things;
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.
I asked for riches, that I might be happy;
I was given poverty, that I might be wise.
I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men;
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.
I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life;
I was given life, that I might enjoy all things.
I got nothing that I asked for,
But everything I had hoped for.
I am, among all men, most richly blessed.

Excerpted from Come Before Winter and Share My Hope, Copyright © 1985, 1994 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission.

Dear God...thank you for my friends and may your blessings fall on each one of them.

"The Lord merely SPOKE...

and the Heavens were created."



That's all. So why do I doubt that God can give us the baby He promised us? I don't know. That's why I am asking all of you blog stalkers!! Is it true that I have already forgotten, after only 3 months, how God brought "E" to us out of the seemingly "blue"?? Her situation was not one that I had to go out and hunt after.



"He breathed the word, and all the stars were born."



Patrick and I had a talk on August 7, our 16th anniversary, about how to proceed with our lives after our failed adoption last week. I was fully prepared for him to say, "Tracy, we have been through enough this year. I can't watch you lose anything/anyone else. We need to be done." I was ready for this answer and was at peace with whatever Patrick said. But, this wasn't his answer. His answer was, "I still want to adopt a baby girl. We are not finished."



As many of you only know Patrick through the little bit I write about him (it is MY blog you know), you probably have no idea of the impact of his statement. While God promised me Emma Claire almost 4 years ago, now, God had not changed Patrick's heart to be on board with this until recently. Until Jacob died, we were not even sure that Samara and Josiah were to be ours forever and now I wanted to add yet ANOTHER baby to the mix. Patrick has always been my Mr. Steady. He wants whatever makes me happy and don't think I haven't used that to my advantage! And yes, all you people who are much better than me...I know it was wrong!



But this time, I just shut my mouth and prayed. I finally matured enough to know that I needed to hear from God, through my husband. And last week, God spoke through Patrick. I have also been asking God to reaffirm that promise. Let me know if somehow I misinterpreted what has been going on. I'd like to share with you some of what God has been speaking to me this last week.

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." 1 Corinthians 2:9

"How can we understand the road we travel? It is the Lord who directs our steps." Proverbs 20:24

"I trust in the Lord. I am overcome with joy because of your unfailing love, for you have seen my troubles, and you care about the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to my enemy but have set me in a safe place." Psalm 31:7-8

And today...as I was praying for a Word to tell me we need to keep moving forward with adoption and the promise I was given:

"For the word of the Lord holds true, and everything He does is worthy of our trust. The Lord shatters the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes. But the Lord's plans stand firm forever; his intentions can never be shaken." Psalm 33: 4, 10-11

We will go back online with http://www.christianadoption.com in the next couple of weeks. We are waiting until we get past the one year anniversary of Jacob's death to move forward with this.

As far as prayers, you guys are so good at it, I don't even have to tell you what to pray anymore! :) I would appreciate prayers for strength. Since coming home from the hospital last week, I am just exhausted. I want to sleep all the time. I am pretty sure it is my body dealing with the emotional stress of the situation, but still...I hate needing a nap 2-3 times a day!