8 weeks ago...

Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since Jacob's death. Some of the events play so fresh in my mind and somethings seem like they happened to someone else a very long time ago.

I enjoy Fridays...not for the reasons some might think, but for some reason, each Friday lets me know we made it through one more week without Jacob. The more weeks we go, the better it gets. The more weeks we go, the better mommy I am able to be. (Well, except for this week...all I have done is cough and hack and I don't even have the voice to yell at my kids!)

I am thankful to God for the timing of Jacob's death. Let me explain. Jacob died in August. An excrutiatingly hot month for those of us in Oklahoma. I do not enjoy August. Although our anniversary, Patrick's birthday, and now Jacob's adoption day are all in August (first 12 days), the month has always left me longing for Fall. I LOVE Fall! God took my baby, but He left me Fall! And Winter! And Spring! And even the part of Summer that I enjoy...you know...before it gets too hot! I believe God was very gracious in His timing.

Yesterday morning, I was talking to God and in passing asked for some encouragement in my mailbox. The outpouring of cards and letters has pretty much stopped, as you would expect, but occasionally there will be the stray card out there that brings me joy for the day. I wasn't necessarily feeling down, just wanted something besides a bill in my mail! And God answered. I received a poem and a note from a very dear friend's mother who has been praying for us. The poem could not have come at a better time. I will post it for you now.

"TO ALL PARENTS"
"I'll lend you a little child, a child of mine," He said, "For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead. It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three. But will you, til I call him back, take care of him for me? He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return, but there are lessons taught down there I want my child to learn. I've looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true, and from the throngs that crowd life's lanes, I have selected you. Now will you give him all your love, nor think the labor vain, nor hate me when I come to call to take him back again?"
"I fancied that I heard them say, 'Dear Lord, Thy will be done!" "For all the joy the child shall bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may, and for the happiness we've known forever grateful stay; But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned, we'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand."
(Edgar A. Guest, from the scrapbook of Lee D. Rowe, 1944)

And so our perspectives change. God chose US to be the parents of the children He has given us. What a blessing and responsibility.

Today's verse is a familiar one (well, actually it's from yesterday) but it means as much today as it did the first time you/we heard it.

"The truth is that you will be in Babylon for seventy years. BUT, then I will come and do for you all the good things I have promised, and I will bring you home again. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days, when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you, says the Lord. I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land." Jeremiah 29:10-14

By the way...as I near the end of Jeremiah, things are looking up! Today, God told me this:
"For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing. At this, I woke up and looked around. My sleep had been very sweet." Jeremiah 31:25-26

Thank you, Jesus!

Hack, Hack, Cough, Cough...

I am such a good mom. I have taught my children to "share" and "take turns" so well, that now I have their upper respiratory crud! Thanks, guys!

But, even as I lay here in bed, watching TLC all day long, God is still speaking to me. Today I am just going to share the verses that He has given me, and then I will lay down again.

"May our Lord Jesus Christ and God our Father, who loved us and in his special favor gave us everlasting comfort and good hope, comfort your hearts and give you strength in every good thing you do and say."
2 Thess. 2:16-17

"Happy are those who are strong in the Lord, who set their minds on a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. When they walk through the Valley of the Weeping, it will become a place of refreshing springs, where pools of blessing collect after the rains!
Psalm 84:5-6

"For the Lord God is our light and protector. He gives us grace and glory. No good thing will the Lord withold from those who do what is right. O Lord Almighty, happy are those who trust in you."
Psalm 84:11-12

"But the Lord is faithful; he will make you strong and guard you from the evil one."
2 Thess. 3:3

"May the Lord bring you into an ever deeper understanding of the love of God and teh endurance that comes from Christ."
2 Thess. 3:5

"May the Lord of peace himself always give you his peace no matter what happens. The Lord be with you all."
2 Thess. 3:16

"Yes, the Lord pours down his blessings. Our land will yield its bountiful crops. Righteousness goes as a herald before him, preparing the way for his steps."
Psalm 85:12-13

And the song that is running through my head today:

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, sweetest name I know. Fills my every longing, keeps me singing as I go!"

The fellowship of God's people...

Every day I am amazed by the goodness and sufficiency of God. I have lived south of 59th street, my entire life. (Except for those first 6 months of marriage when I was forced to live up north, wishing I could come back south!) Being a lifelong southsider, with a family ALL from the southside, we know or have known a LOT of people. My neighbor was amazed when we went to the Cleveland County Fair at the number of people I "ran into". I had never really noticed, but I guess she is right.

So, the other night, my parents were walking around the mall and ran into some people we went to church with 25 years ago. The first thing they said was, "We heard about your grandbaby. We are so sorry. Our 10 year old prays for your 10 year old (Justin) every day." WOW!! The number of people praying for us must be staggering. I get cards and emails, weekly, reminding me that we are being held in prayer.

You guys email and post that I am such a "strong person" or that I am a "blessing", but the truth is, I am only who I am through the power of your prayers. (That being said, keep on posting! heehee) I know that we would not be where we are without you all. I have no doubt in my mind that God's hand was on ALL of this. As bad as the whole "DHS" part of this has been, it could have been worse...MUCH worse.

I may have said this before, but we all know that Jacob did not die the way we first thought...from a dresser accident. We know that his heart stopped. (Remember, there was no bruising...he did not strangle...if what we thought had happened did, we could have saved him.) So, I could not figure out what part the dresser played in all of this. A few weeks after, I realized that if Jacob had died peacefully in his bed, how would that have looked to DHS?? How do you explain a dead baby in a bed?? The result would have been the same, but the process would have been MUCH worse. They would have taken S&J with a great chance of taking my bios, too. DHS acts before they think...sometimes they never get to the "think" part. So, I truly believe that God orchestrated the "picture" in Jacob's room that day for our protection. We were also protected from the media, lengthy interrogations, and probably a myriad of things I don't even know about. Do you see how the hand of God is even in a tragedy?? I don't think that I have questioned God about the "whys" of Jacob's death. For me it was more of a "why not"? I am not the only one who has lost a child. By God's grace, I have only lost one child. One question I do have is why only 2 years? It isn't something I dwell on, I just wonder about it.

I talked with DHS yesterday and was told that the last time they had to wait on the Medical Examiner to close an allegation, it took EIGHT MONTHS! REALLY??? So, we are praying for a miracle. That is just insane. First of all, Jacob wasn't the property of DHS. The POLICE ruled it an accident...why does DHS think they have the authority to make their own rulings?? We are sickly here this week, but next week I will be making a trip to the ME's office requesting my copy of the report. I know God is in control of this, but if you want to see me sin/fall/whatever...mention DHS to my face!

And yet, in all of this, God told me "God, who calls you, is faithful; HE will do this." Okay...so I will wait, yet again, on the Lord.

As I was reading yesterday in my Bible, God threw a verse out at me. Sometimes, I like to see how a verse reads in a different translation. I use www.biblegateway.com for this. My verse is from 2 Thessalonians 1:12 and it says, "Because we know that this extraordinary day is just ahead, we pray for you all the time - pray that our God will make you fit for what He's called you to be, pray that He'll find your good ideas and acts of faith with His own energy so that it all amounts to something. If your life honors the name of Jesus, He will honor you. Grace is behind and through all of this, our God giving himself freely, the Master, Jesus Christ, giving himself freely." (The Message)

Everytime I start to get scared or frustrated at DHS (sometimes on a daily basis), God answers me. He is still working on His promise to us for a baby. I am reminded of that almost daily, also. For some reason, I believe God is moving us away from DHS (almost sure it is for our own protection) but I do not feel Him moving us away from helping the "orphans, the oppressed, and destitute". I get those verses about every other day. I just think He will use us outside of DHS. That is kind of exciting.

The natives are hungry...I suppose I should feed them!

A Year Ago...

I don’t know what kind of Bible you use for your daily quiet time, but I have been using a “Year through the Bible” edition for two years, now. I read some Old Testament, some New Testament, some Psalms and Proverbs. I enjoy this format very much. Sometimes the Old Testament can be pretty depressing, so it’s nice to be able to jump to the New Testament for some encouragement! As I was reading yesterday, October 11, I came to a passage that had been underlined. (I always write the year when I underline in my Bible and sometime the circumstance.) I was reminded yesterday that a year ago, I was struggling with S&J’s case. (We are still struggling, but it’s a different struggle, now!) For those of you without some DHS knowledge, DHS has a new program that they require foster parents to participate in: Bridge. Basically, we are to be the “bridge” between the bio parents and the children. In a perfect world, this MIGHT work. But, in a perfect world, I wouldn’t have your kids, now, would I? So, I did my best with both Jacob and S&J. I had such high hopes for S&J. Their bio mom is very likeable…when she is sober, not manic, etc. etc. It was about this time last year that the bio mom was making things miserable for not only S&J, but for the rest of my family, too. I was extremely stressed out trying to protect everyone involved, dealing with the aftermath of a visit, the phone calls cussing me out, etc. (I had to change my phone number about this time and break all contact with the family for safety concerns.) (And just so you know, I still believe the “Bridge” program is just a way to get foster parents to do a caseworkers job…go ahead…you can quote me on it!)

So, I was reading my Bible 10/11/07, having been praying about the circumstances, and this is what God told me: “I heard an unknown voice that said, “Now I will relieve your shoulder of its burden; I will free your hands from their heavy tasks. You cried to me in trouble, and I saved you; I answered out of the thundercloud.” (Psalm 81:1-6-7) The relief was almost immediate. The circumstances did not change overnight, but at that point I knew God was in control and I did not have to be. Just as I was finishing the verse “I answered out of the thundercloud”, it thundered at my home! God doesn’t always emphasize His Word with something so clear, but on that day, I suppose I needed a little clarity!

I did receive the packets for S&J and they are ready to be mailed back. I was told the paperwork was due to DHS on 10/25, which is before our court date, so maybe we really will see a miracle in the DHS offices and S&J will be final in less than a year. I am really hoping to be finished by S’s 5th birthday, in March. If that is the case, S&J will have been in the system for 2 ½ years without permanency and without bios doing ONE item on their case plans. That in itself is criminal. God told me again yesterday “The Lord stands beside me like a great warrior. Before him they will stumble. They cannot defeat me…” as He has told me before. And then, He always ends with something like this: “I have committed my cause to you. (think DHS babies) Now I will sing out my thanks to the Lord! Praise the Lord! For though I was poor and needy, he delivered me from my oppressors.”

This past week has been a good one. God and I had a little discussion. I reminded Him (you know…because he forgets, right?) that Ashlee is almost grown. I do not have a year or more to be in mourning for Jacob. I cannot be in this mind numbing state that I was in week before last because my family needs me. I am also quite curious to know how much of our sadness and mourning is actually of Satan? Don’t get me wrong, I am sad that my baby is gone. So sad, but just Friday evening, Patrick and I were on a date. The entire day was fabulous, our date was great, we were both happy (and not guilty because we were happy) and on the way home, this wave of panic fell over me. “My baby is gone…MY BABY IS GONE!” I felt the emotions coming on but also heard this voice telling me this was not okay. So I prayed that God would NOT allow Satan to have this power over me if that was truly where the panic came from. Almost immediately, I was calm and at peace. I remembered being at the movies that night and realizing that when someone bumped me or did something for us, my responses were natural, not forced. (You know, when I said, “Excuse me.” I smiled and meant it.) For awhile, everything was forced. This was before the panic tried to attack, and I remember thanking God for healing me thus far. So when the panic came, I was quite taken aback. “How could you heal me only to allow me to slip back into the depths of my grief??” But, our God is a loving and merciful God. I don’t know what tomorrow brings, but I do know that God uncluttered my mind enough that Noah now has a school plan for the next week! (Sorry, Noah!)

I will leave you today with this thought: “Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.” 1 Thess. 5:16-18

Baby Heaven!

For the past couple of days, we have been keeping my friend's 2 week old baby GIRL! I am having SO much fun! She is maybe 6 lbs now...so tiny. She is a meth baby. They are different than cocaine babies, but still a little scary. It is amazing how these babies start to heal within hours of having someone hold and care for them. My friend had a kidney stone removed and is in a great deal of pain, so I figured since I sort of got her into this foster care mess, I should make the "sacrifice" and help her out a little! And the best part is, we give her back at night, so I still get to sleep!

I got a little present in the mail today. Jacob's birth certificate with our names on it. I remember walking out of the courtroom on adoption day and mentioning to my friend, Kellye, that it didn't quite seem real yet, or something like that, and she said, "Wait until you get his birth certificate...that's when it will be real." She was right. I opened the envelope from our attorney wondering what it could be, and there is was: JACOB LEVI PHILLIPS. Fabulous. I smiled. And Kellye was right. It was real. Now if we could only get his death certificate!

The Teen group met on Wednesday and it went great! There were 25 teens there and I am very excited to get into the book a little further. Homeschool kids are funny. As they would answer a question or make a comment, I kept thinking to myself, "You sound just like your mother!" These kids have so much potential, I can't wait to see it all unfold.

Another friend of mine sent me an email yesterday. She is the sweetest friend and I love her kids. Her daughter, Ryley, has had many medical issues over the years, but that child is a true minister of the gospel. Ryley has CP and would get beat up at school because she was "different". I guess she was about a 3rd grader when they joined our homeschool group. Ryley was so defensive. She didn't want anyone to touch her...especially her long, thick, braid. Well, I couldn't help myself. She would tell me, "Miss Tracy, only you and Jesus can touch my hair." I love her and she loves me. Now, 5-6 years later, Ryley is a completely different child. She is our little welcoming committee always giving us hugs. I love this kid. At Jacob's funeral, she hugged me and said, "I love you, Tracy, you a good mama."

So, here is what the email said, "I wanted to tell you about a dream I had about Jacob . It was Wednesday morning around 4. I saw Jacob sitting in Jesus's lap. I heard Jesus say..."I cuddle him as much as he wants to." I felt like I was supposed to tell you this . I know you know that Jesus is taking care of him, I just wanted to tell you because it brought so much peace to my heart..seeing Jacob still being loved on." WOW! I just cried and thought that is probably exactly what is happening because Jacob loved to cuddle. It also made me think that Jesus wants each of us to "cuddle" in His lap. If we would only allow Him this gift.

My Bible study has been a little dry lately. I desperately need a word from God and told Him as much. (Jeremiah is just pretty gloomy...) So, here are my verses for today:

"Why then does my suffering continue? Why is my wound so incurable? Your help seems as uncertain as a seasonal brook, like a spring that has gone dry.” This is how the Lord responds:
“If you return to me, I will restore you so you can continue to serve me. If you speak good words rather than worthless ones, you will be my spokesman. You must influence them; do not let them influence you! They will fight against you like an attacking army, but I will make you as secure as a fortified wall of bronze. They will not conquer you, for I am with you to protect and rescue you. I, the Lord, have spoken! Yes, I will certainly keep you safe from these wicked men. I will rescue you from their cruel hands.” Jeremiah 15:18-21

So, I am returning to the Lord...I will speak good words...I will be an influence...I will be as secure as a wall of bronze and I will be rescued from their cruel hands. (DHS maybe???)

Have a blessed weekend!

Daddy's Home!!!! WOOHOO!

FINALLY! Patrick came home and we made it to and from Branson. I love my husband. I don't even really need to talk to him, but I need him here. I truly do not know how those of you who send your hubby's off on a regular basis, some FAR longer than the ten days we spent apart, can do it. I want to admire you, but really, I am just sorry for you! :) God knew my limits when He partnered me with a man who likes to stay home!

Sorry about the picture...I will try to get it centered, but I just don't feel like messing with it any longer tonight. This is a picture that we take everytime we go to Silver Dollar City. The shirts the kids are wearing say "WARNING! Unsocialized Homeschooler! Interract or Communicate at your own risk!" We get comments EVERYTIME we wear them. There were quite a few homeschoolers at Branson. Anyway, I like the leaves over S&J's face. I couldn't remember how I blurred them before. That is another part of grief that I am not appreciating...my memory is terrible. I am exhausted and stupid. There you go. I said it.

One day, hopefully soon, I won't have to blur or cover up their little faces anymore. They will be officially Phillips. I am awaiting a packet to fill out on them...one step closer to finalization. Please pray that everything will happen the way it is supposed to (we have been trying to get this one thing done since last January). We have court on 10/30 and trial on 11/3. Also, please continue to pray that the medical examiner will get Jacob's report to DHS asap! I need that part behind us.

Tomorrow, we are starting a book study with our Homeschool Teen group. We are going to study the book "Do Hard Things" by Alex and Brett Harris. (http://www.therebelution.com/dohardthings/) I am really excited. Ashlee read WAY more than the first chapter today and has been quoting the book all day. Basically, it's about teens and how little is expected of them these days. The book encourages teens to "do hard things". Witnessing is one of those that even as adults we consider "hard things". We have a great homeschool group with about 25 teens coming to our home tomorrow afternoon. (If you know anything about homeschoolers, they are bringing about 85 siblings with them! LOL!)

God is still moving in our family. Even if I don't see it on a daily basis, the promises He has given me don't go away just because I can't "feel" it on a certain day.

Thanks for everything!

Emma Claire

In August of 2005, well, probably before that, Patrick and I had been praying about our family. What direction did God want us to go in? Have more babies? Foster care? Adopt from Korea? (Patrick is 1/2 Korean, so we always thought that would be cool.) Or, did God want me to be satisfied with the 4 children that we had? As I prayed over it and studied my Bible for guidance, God increased the desire for more children in my heart. As much as I prayed "Lord, if I am not to have more children, please remove the desire" He never did! So then I start with, "Okay, God, but I want a girl! Too much testosterone around her...can I PLEASE have a girl baby??" And as I prayed that for a few days, this is the verse God gave me: Psalm 20:4-5 "May he give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed. We will shout for joy when you are victorious and will lift up our banners in the name of our God. May the Lord grant all your requests." The next day, "You have granted him the desires of his heart and have not withheld the request of his lips." Psalm 21:2 See, sometimes it takes God more than one time to get through to me...I know...I'm weird! And then, a few days later, "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in Him and He will do this! he will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:3-6 And then, 2 months later, when it felt like nothing was happening, "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." Psalm 37:7

The "be still and wait" verses have come to me in abundance over the last 3 years. In the meantime, as you know, God led us to foster care. GIRL BABIES IN ABUNDANCE!!! RIGHT??? Nope. My first call...TWO smelly boys! My second call...Jacob. My third call...Finally...a girl, but she was 2 1/2 and she came with...yep...a brother!!!! SERIOUSLY???? So we put bows on the boys...KIDDING!

Oh...I almost forgot what this post was about. Awhile after receiving my promise, I was sitting in church, listening to Pastor Doug. I was not even thinking about babies or promises, but a still, small voice whispered "Emma Claire". I thought it was a pretty name, so I wrote it in my Bible and went on. A few weeks later, I found the name in my Bible and decided to look it's meaning up. Well, Emma means "complete' and Claire means "with clarity". God was telling me that my baby girl would be named Emma Claire and I would know our family was complete when she came to us.

I also knew that Emma would not come right away and I have been fine with that. It has been exciting to see how God has orchestrated this entire promise. If I had limited God and just taken girl babies, we would not have had our Jacob. We would probably not have had "S" & "J", either. I am so thankful that I listened to God on this one!

Since Jacob's death, God has opened my eyes to many things. In the past, my Bible has always said "Wait on the Lord". ALWAYS! Now, my Bible is saying things like "soon" and "not in the distant future, but right NOW!" I have no idea what God is about to do in our lives, but I am so excited I just can't help but share!

We sold our house. Remember last week when I posted that God told me He would "smooth out the road ahead of us"? That was 9/17. On 9/24, one week later, God sold our house to a wonderful Christian couple. When we close, on 10/15, we will be signing up with an adoption ministry to pursue an independent adoption. We will not have the option of specifying the gender that we want (GIRL) but I am so open to God's will on this one. And I know that Emma Claire will join our family one day. I just can't wait to watch it all unfold!

"For I am God-I alone! I am God, and there is no one else like me. Only I can tell you what is going to happen even before it happens. Everything I plan will come to pass, for I do whatever I wish...For I am ready to set things right, not in the distant future, but right now! I am ready to save Jeruslem and give my glory to Israel." Isaiah 46:9-10, 13