It is what it is...

For the third time this year, we are no longer "matched" with a birthmother. First there was "T", who ended up in the witness protection program. Then there was "E", who allowed DHS to talk her into going with a "family" member, because according to DHS, "family is always better". And then most recently, there was "K".

Not long after we were contacted by "K", I started to feel uneasy about the situation. I couldn't put my finger on it at the time, but there was an uneasiness in my spirit that I couldn't explain. I just rode it out because I felt like we were helping "K" in other areas of her life and I would have helped her without a baby dangled in front of me. "K" was the birthmom of our first two foster babies. She got them back from DHS and had another baby about 6 months ago. I was able to be with her some then, helping with the boys (which if any of you have been foster parents, it is VERY COOL to get to see your previous kids). So, when she called us about 6 weeks ago asking us to adopt the baby she was pregnant with, we were very excited! I mean, what a cool story that would be! And then last week, we found out it was all a lie. I asked God for confirmation of my feelings, and boy did I get confirmation!

It is what it is...

Since Jacob died, and probably before that, I have tried to make sense out of the things that happen in my life. Maybe God is trying to teach me this, maybe God is protecting me from that, maybe God put her in my life for this reason, maybe God is preparing me for that, on and on and on! But maybe, just maybe....

It is what it is. And that's all. It just is.

Through this last "match" and all that it entailed, I have realized a few things about myself. God promised us a baby 4 years ago. Of that I have no doubt. God has also told me that HE will handle the details. HE will do this thing He has promised. All I have to do is sit back and rely on Him.

No matter what I have said, what I have written, in some ways, I have been running this show. To be quite honest, I used all of this adoption drama as a distraction from what was really going on in my life...the loss of Jacob, because seriously, who wants to deal with death? Not me! Because of this, I made a LOT of mistakes with these "matches".

I spent so much time with "E", catering to her needs, her demands, at the cost of my family. I wonder if I had truly been relying on God for our baby, would I have dropped everything when "E" called and put my family second? I don't think so. Although I didn't realize it until it was over, I really thought if I didn't bow to "E" and keep her happy, that we wouldn't get her baby. Turns out, no amount of helping "E" would guarantee us that baby. I assumed that because the situation was presented to us, it must have been from God. I don't know now. What I do know is that I don't EVER want to be in a situation like this again...the agonizing feelings and loss that were experienced were something I don't know if I can go through again.

But, it is what it is.

When "K" called us, again, I thought this was God's answer to our loss of "E's" baby. And so quickly! What a gracious God! And while we did not bow to her every need, we did "help" "K" out a lot. Again, where was my reliance?

It is what it is.

For the first time in a year, my focus has totally changed. My focus is not on adoption. It's not on DHS. It's not dreaming about our promise baby. My focus is on God. My focus is on growing in Him. I am memorizing Scripture and teaching Sunday School. I am working on getting our homeschool back to the way it was before we lost Jacob. I am focusing on the relationships with the children I have. I am allowing God to do His work in my life. I am working on our homeschool convention and have recently become involved in our women's ministry at church which has the potential to be HUGE!

So where does all of this leave us with our adoption journey? Well, we will be going back online with our adoption ministry, www.christianadoption.com and go from there. Adoption will happen, but it can no longer be my focus. My prayer is also that the adoption will just land in our lap...baby already here, or at the least VERY close. Unless God changes my heart, I just don't think I can be "matched" again. I will admit, a part of me is very sad that I keep hearing about all of the babies in DHS needing homes and mine is unusable. KILLS ME! But, I do know that God gave us THREE children through DHS and I need to be okay with that.

It is what it is.

Something that was made aparent to me by our fabulous adoption ministry leader is that while my heart for babies and children, especially those that nobody else wants, is a very noble and righteous cause, it is also my weakness. This is an area in my life that Satan has and can use in order to bring me down. Who would have thought? But it makes perfect sense. If you tell me about a baby situation, DHS or otherwise, my immediate response is "bring me that baby...I'll fix it"! I never even THINK about the fact that God may not have THAT baby in mind for me. How can that be?? How can a good thing, I mean a REALLY good thing, not be God's plan? Well, sometimes it just isn't! And I have to accept that.

So, life goes on. God is still God. Nothing has changed for Him!

"You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, whose thoughts are fixed on you! Trust in the Lord always, for the Lord God is the eternal Rock." Isaiah 26:3-4

And can I just say that not being "matched" has been so peaceful?

It is what it is.

Just so you know...

Whomever said "time heals all wounds" was a complete moron who never had a wound! Well, maybe he was right in a sense. Wounds do heal, therefore, I suppose the grief that comes when we lose someone to death shouldn't be considered a wound. I would argue that it is rather a gaping hole, never to return to it's prior shape. There is no scabbing over. There is no new skin to grow, just the hole. (By now you are probably sensing my mood so it is now up to you as to whether or not you continue reading!)

Thirteen months have come and gone since Jacob died. Do you realize that this time next year I will have grieved for him longer than I actually had him? I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I thought that it would be easier after we hit the "year" mark. And in some ways, it is, but I keep going back to what we were doing last year at this time. What we were feeling. I truly think my body is having "physical" memories. The little's therapist explained to me one time that even though they were too young to remember what really happened to them on a conscious level, their bodies remembered and when those "physical" memories were triggered by whatever (sounds, smells, etc.) their bodies responded with a physical response.

I think my body is responding to those things that were going on a year ago. I am extremely fatigued for no reason, could spend days sleeping in my bed, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, struggling to go to church, and I could go on. A year ago, I was still in shock for the most part. The reality of what our life would be like without Jacob was still unknown. I was still just trying to breathe.

I also think that I have a fear of people not remembering that we had him. The sound of my telling people we have 6 children at home is getting easier to say and that scares me. There will come a time when people will walk into my home and ask about the picture of the chocolate baby boy on the wall. I will make new friends who never knew me as Jacob's mommy. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.

And on one hand, I don't want to go back to where I was this time last year. On the other hand, spending hours on my bed by myself is such a comfort. I could live there easily.

For those of you waiting on the "old" Tracy to come back, it's not going to happen. Did you really think it would? I have a gaping hole in my chest that cannot be fixed. It will be there until the day I die. I have been forever changed. Just like I was forever changed when I went to pick Jacob up at the DHS office 3 years ago.

On a positive note, God is the Almighty comforter, healer, maker of my heart. Although I will never be the same, God is growing me. He is teaching me about His grace and mercy, His unfailing love, and that His promises are rock solid.

" 'My thoughts are completely different from yours,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

And that is where I will find my peace and rest.

I suppose I should post something....

but all is quiet here on the homefront...for the moment! We have been busy with school starting and getting back into the swing of all things homeschool! Summer is not my favorite time of year. I do not like for my schedule to change. And when I say schedule, I mean my ENTIRE schedule, whether it be schooling, television, church, whatever.

So after next week, all things will be back to normal. Our Fall Bible studies at church will begin, our PE/Coop classes have started, and all the Fall premieres will start a week from Monday! (I know it's sad...don't judge me!) I just love Fall!

I have been doing a bit of respite for a friend the past week. She is a beautiful 5 month old baby girl and is SO easy and good natured. She has a smile that makes you melt! I suppose that's why I feel we have been so busy lately! Our family has enjoyed having her here. Although, one night, after her bath and fresh jammies, Josiah said, "Did you get ANOTHER new baby???" Nope...just changed her clothes. Poor messed up little kids. My kids are going to think babies come from phone calls.

My fourteen year old has decided that she would like to be a child psychologist/counselor when she grows up. I was very impressed with her decision. She said she wants to help the older kids...you know...like the ones in foster care. If you wonder how doing foster care might affect your children, there you have it.

She also informed me that in a year from now we would be getting ready to get her learner's permit. ACK!!! I wasn't ready for that comment. Not that I don't enjoy her maturity, but she is just a constant reminder that I am getting really old!

As far as adoption news, everything is the same. We are waiting on a doctor's appointment and basically just waiting. Our birthparents are very comfortable with their decision. But please keep them in your prayers. They are such a sweet couple, just trying to do what's right to get their lives on track and put their family first. Please keep them in your prayers that God would continue to give them the strength to do what's best. We spent some time with them this past week, both of our families, and had a very nice time. Just please keep them in your prayers as I can't share much out of respect for their privacy.

While it doesn't make for a very interesting blog post, my life is at peace for a little while. I am enjoying it and hope it continues. Oh...one more thing to share:

A sweet lady at my church stopped me in the hall last night. Her little girl and Jacob were in the same classes at church. Remember, Jake had just turned two when he died. She said they were out somewhere and saw a little chocolate boy walking. Her daughter said "Look, that's like Jacob." Her mother was a little confused as she had not mentioned him in over a year. She said, "You mean Jake from your class?" She said, "Yes." How sweet and sad all rolled into one. It's hard for me to see the little ones that were in class with him. I feel sad for me, but also for them as they will be growing up in church without him. He was supposed to be their friend for a long time. Actually, he was supposed to marry one of them if I recall...we already had it all arranged! I am sure God will provide her with the husband she is to have...there is time...they are only 3!

"Human plans, no matter how wise or well advised,

cannot stand against the Lord." Proverbs 21:30

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalm 40:1

"Many will see what He has done and be astounded. They will put their trust in the Lord." Psalm 40:3

God, is this what you are doing??

"Look and see, for all your children will come back to you. As surely as I live, says the Lord, they will be like jewels or bridal ornaments for you to display." Isaiah 49:18

I mentioned in my blog a few days ago that I had laid out a fleece to God in regards to Emma. I read up about Gideon laying out the fleece when God told him to go and fight the strongest army and decided to try it. I thought God had promised me this baby. And here I am WITHOUT this baby. So I laid out the fleece. Only I didn't just lay out ONE fleece. I laid out FIVE! I know...overkill. Here is how it went:

"God, I need your guidance. I need to know if we are on the right path. I need to know if Emma is coming. If she is coming, I need to know:
1 - through a phone call
2 - through my husband
3 - through my friends (you know...that they "FEEL" it, too)
4 - that for some reason we would not be placed back online with Christian Adoption as planned,
5 - and just for fun, could you please send me something in the mail so I will know????

Yeah...that last one was just for kicks. I also told God that I trusted Him completely in whatever He was going to do, I just wanted a glimpse.

Here are the answers to my not ONE, but FIVE fleeces:
1 - "E" called (yeah...even though it didn't work out, it was a phone call I thought I wanted)
2 - I was ready to pack everything up and put it away, but Patrick said to "wait"...not what I was expecting from him
3 - A couple of very sweet messages about faith...very helpful.
4 - we were not placed back online due to a bad email address??? still can't figure out what happened.
5 - And just so you know that God does enjoy His children, when I opened the mailbox on Friday, a can of BABY FORMULA had been mailed to us! I know God was laughing at me!

And yet, we did not get a baby. And I was at peace. TOTAL peace. Not just fake peace. I knew in my spirit that everything was going to be fine and to be just the way God planned it.

Today, I received a phone call that I never expected. For privacy issues, I cannot give you all the details right at this moment, but we have been asked to adopt a couple's baby. They are due in January. These are people that we are acquainted with and the circumstances are totally God. While I cannot share details, I want you all to know how God has answered our prayers...even though they were not answered the way I thought they would be. This baby will be born healthy, no drugs, no alcohol, birthmom will go to doctor's visits, she IS NOT a crazy drug addict, but I do consider her a friend.

Please pray that God will have His hand upon this family as they have made this very difficult decision to try and give their baby the best life possible.

Praise God for His plans. And praise Him that we don't know ahead of time what He is doing. Otherwise, we would never be okay with the journey.

Getting off the roller coaster...

Well, at least this one!

I did not go to court today. "E" called yesterday morning and everything was still on for court today. A few hours later, she called and totally changed her mind...the cousin that has the baby was with her. She was high again.

And I was at peace. I cannot tell you how I began to enjoy my day after that phone call. I wasn't upset, or sad, or anything. Just at peace. I know that God spoke to me about the promise of our Emma this past week. He confirmed and told me that Emma would be mine. I believe Him.

I did talk to the DHS worker today and she was in shock as well. Evidently, "E" had called her on Friday and told her she was going to pick us today. The worker doesn't think the judge is going to allow "E" to choose ANYBODY. She will have her rights terminated and the baby will be adopted out through DHS. The cousin will be looked at first, because she is "family". (Not the kind of family that supported "E" throughout her pregnancy, but, whatever.) Now, if something happens and the cousin is not allowed to keep her, then they will call us. I am not holding my breath. I am moving onward. I am not going to keep on trying to figure out what the purpose of this process has been. Maybe it was to teach me how NOT to be used by crazy drug addicts!!!

I know I keep getting you all excited about all of this and I feel bad when I have to come and tell you my crazy life has changed, ONCE again. I am really not a dramatic person...I hate drama. It just seems I can't get away from it right now!

I appreciate all of the prayers. We are going back online with www.christianadoption.com and we will also be filling out our adoption paperwork for DHS. I want to be ready no matter what God brings to us.

Thanks again for praying and thinking of us today! Now I must clean out the garage!!!

"Whatever He wants to do, He does..."

so He will do for me all He has planned." Job 23:13-14

WOW! Where do I start. Monday was the start of a new day...a new year. No more "firsts" since Jacob died. We were moving on (again and again). Then the phone rang. This is the conversation that took place:

DHS: May I speak to "E"?
Me: She isn’t at this number, may I help you?
DHS: Well, this is her DHS worker and I need to get in touch with her so I can go over her plan.
Me: Well, she is homeless and has no phone. (I gave her Northcare’s…the mental health counseling place she goes to… info and told her about E always getting her check there on the first) But, E is not going to do a case plan.
DHS: Oh, I know. I’m not offering her one, but we would like to see if she will relinquish. How do you know E?
Me: We are the couple who were supposed to adopt the baby.
DHS: OH! I know who you are. Well, it says in my notes that you are not interested in adopting through DHS. Is that right? Are you wanting to be totally out of this?
Me: Well, when I said that, I was a little emotional and no, it would not be my first choice. Besides, I didn’t think there was any possibility of us adopting this baby at this point. If we did decide to adopt, it would have to be a pretty much done deal…I can’t have her again and then lose her.
DHS: Well, we are going to tpr E and I just need to know if you are willing to adopt the baby.
Me: Is she still at the hospital or in the shelter?
DHS: No, she is in a kinship home…with a cousin.
Me: Is the cousin not wanting to keep her?
DHS: Well, we don’t know yet, but I wanted to see where you stood in case. When we TPR, we need an adoptive home ready to go.
Me: Yes. We will adopt her if that option were to open up.
DHS: Okay. That’s what I needed to know. I will let you know when I find something out.

SERIOUSLY??? And my first response is "GOD????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME????"

So, I put out a fleece. Confirmation...whatever God wanted to give me. And I asked Him to show me what to do, how to move forward (and then I got bold) through a phone call.

That was Monday. Yesterday was Thursday. I was helping at my sister's garage sale. I had run home to get a few boxes of girl baby clothes. I was going to really thin them out and give some things away. I loaded up my truck, and headed back to the sale. I took in the box of boy things I had, and prepared to unload the truck. My phone rang.

It was "E". She needed me to take her to court so she could sign over her rights to me. WHAT????? She was told by the worker that she needed to be at court to relinquish her rights and choose who she wanted her baby to go to and she said she wanted me to have Emma.

Well, she had some of her facts right, but court was not yesterday. It's Monday at 1:30pm. And I have talked to "E's" worker, and she has confirmed what will happen.

Basically, "E" will go to DHS court. She will tell the judge that she wants to give guardianship of Emma to us (or whomever she chooses) and she can sign right then and there. Guardianship means that we will be OUT of DHS!!! We will still be under the judge's eye for a year, but guess who the judge is??? JACOB'S JUDGE!!! The one who shut his court down to come to Jake's funeral! He loves us!

After a year, we can file tpr on "E" ourselves and proceed with the adoption. This option is TOTALLY fine with us. No DHS involvement, we get our baby, and "E" will be finished with her part of all of this.

"For I have stayed in God's paths; I have followed His ways and not turned aside. I have not departed from His commands but have treasured His word in my heart. Nevertheless, His mind concerning me remains unchanged, and who can turn Him from His purposes? Whatever He wants to do, He does. So He will do for me all He has planned. He controls my destiny." Job 23:11-14

That was my passage of the day yesterday...rather fitting, don't you think??

Here are my prayer requests:

1 - "E" will remain sober. (She spent 3 weeks in detox and is now in outpatient rehab...and doing well!)
2 - The court will recognize that DHS should not have stepped in at all.
3 - We will have peace no matter the outcome.
4 - "E" will follow through with her plan this time. (I am confident that she will show for court...she gave me her ID. She has to have it on Tuesday to cash her check. This is her way of letting me know she is serious.)
5 - That "E" will have clarity of mind on Monday. She gets flustered easily.

No matter the outcome, there will be closure. And for that I will be grateful. "E" and I have talked in depth about what happened at the hospital and some things that went on that I had suspected, and now have proof...it will be addressed to the higher ups, but not until Emma is safe at home.

Please feel free to ask any questions you have and I will try and answer them!

Oh...and I didn't sell any girl things at the garage sale!!!

One year ago today...

I have thought a lot about what I wanted this days entry to say. Some days it was going to be a very strong post about how God has pulled us through this tragedy. Some days it was going to be a very weepy post with me feeling very sorry for myself. Some days, it was going to be filled with pictures of Jacob...and I mean pictures until you puke! LOTS of them! But now that the time has actually come, I really don't know what to post. Maybe the truth would be the best way to go with this today.

A year ago today, as we were preparing for a day of celebration, Jacob Levi Phillips, was climbing on his dresser. It fell and caught him between the dresser and the end of the bed. He breathed his last sweet Jacob breath before falling into the arms of our Savior.

Two days before Jacob died, this is what I underlined in my Bible:

"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord had taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

A year ago today, although I knew that God would see me through the worst day of my life, I wasn't sure exactly HOW He was going to do that. I remember being afraid of how I would view my Savior. Would I be angry? Would I blame Him? Would I be able to breathe again? Will I be able to sing praises? Will I be able to tell others about Him? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be joyful again? So many questions.

As I was reminded this week by a dear friend, Jacob's life was never meant to be any longer than it was. As his mommy, I had great plans for his life. As his maker, God's plans for his life were completely fulfilled. As his mommy, I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to listen to him learn to talk. I wanted to watch him learn to ride a bike. And read. And give me chocolate grand babies. I wanted to hear him pray the sinner's prayer asking Jesus into his sweet little heart. I wanted to watch him on stage singing with the children's choir. How CUTE that would have been. How he will be missed.

But God has been faithful. He is a good God. He holds me in the palm of His hand each and every day, gently guiding me through my own personal hell.

I want to take time in this post to sincerely thank all of my friends whether in real life, or in the blog world, who have lifted us up and interceded on our behalf. I know that this day...the year anniversary of our baby's death...could not have come and gone in such a sweet way without your prayers. I will forever be grateful and have asked my God to bless each and every one of you.

I know that our recovery will not be complete until we are in the arms of Jesus ourselves, but in the meantime, we will allow the grace of our Jesus to cover us. There will always be a hole in my heart where my baby belongs, but I am extremely grateful that God allowed that baby into our home for the time he was here.

We love you, Jacob Levi, and we will not forget you!

I would love to hear your thoughts...if you knew Jacob, a memory would be nice, or a thought you have had since reading my blog. I would really like to end this year with a time of reflection and remembering. I appreciate you all! (Even if you have never posted...this is your time!!)