Night of Beauty

I read a lot of funny blogs. Mine has never really seemed to meet the criteria for "funny", but tonight, something has happened at our house that I just can't stop laughing about , so I thought I would share.

I grew up with one sister. I had mostly girl cousins. Boys are totally weird to me. (And smelly...not sure why, but they are. Oh...and loud...that too!) So I never had the experience of a bratty little brother like my daughter, Ashlee, has had. Ashlee had a friend over tonight. They decided to make some "natural" beauty products and try them out.

The first product was a hair conditioner made with olive oil and egg whites. (BTW...it STUNK!) I am really not sure how this happened, but as they were applying the product, and I walked into the kitchen, this is what I saw:

Yep...my oldest BOY was having his hair "shined and conditioned"! Patrick wasn't home at the time...this is what happens when Daddy leaves! I swear they were sitting around the island chatting like old women at the beauty shop! And then the twenty minutes was up...time to rinse!!!

And after he was "almost drowned" as he put it!

He looks like he is frowning, but he then begged for the oatmeal face mask!!! By the way...he is 11!

I will give you just a brief update. We are back online with Christian Adoption. This means that our profile is back where mother's choosing adoption can see us. This is kind of exciting. We are moving on. There is also a situation that would involve DHS...God would have to do a mighty work, there. I am not sure, so would like to ask for your prayers for clarity, guidance and wisdom.

We are in a good place right now. Samara will turn 5 on Sunday and we will have a Princess party on Friday. I planned it all by myself! That is HUGE considering in November I didn't even care if Josiah HAD a party. There has been a lot of healing going on, praise God. I will post pictures of the party when I can...we have all sorts of princess things planned...our only problem was the first 5 people on her guest list were BOYS!!!

In closing, I would like to share my verse of the day, which was actually on my blog up there on the side!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

We have a date!!!!

Just wanted to let you know that we have an official date for our adoption finalization of Samara Grace and Josiah Nathan. Friday, May 8, 2009, they will officially become "Phillips"! We are very excited...it's Mother's Day weekend, so we will plan on dedicating them at church on Mother's Day! Just wanted to share....God is SO good!

Sorry for the delay...

This is an exerpt from "Power of a Praying Woman":

"Why do you think it's important to God that patience be growing in us? It's because God's timing is not our timing. He is always doing more than we see or know, so we have to trust Him on how long He takes to bring things to pass. God perfects us and refines us before He brings us into all He has for us, and that takes time." "Do not become sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises" (Hebrews 6:12).

This morning, I posted on my facebook that I had some exciting news. It's not about Emma Claire. We are still waiting patiently on that situation. We have heard that the private investigators are closing in on "T". I am praying for protection for all involved.

I recieved an email from DHS telling me that they would like to use our home for emergency care for infants. Evidently, they are desperate and the hospitals are not allowing them to leave the babies for more than a couple of days now. Normally, emergency foster care involves you taking whatever age they need you to, whenever they need you to. I am not interested in that at all. That would not work with our family. DHS has said that our home will be different...we will only take babies 1 year or younger. It may be just for one night, or maybe up to a month. This will give them time to find family/kinship to take the baby. We are very excited about this. This was not something we pursued, but a door that God has opened for us. (We only learned of this yesterday and I already received a call!)

Now. Let me be VERY clear. This in NO way changes my feelings regarding DHS. This does not change the way they treated us with Jacob or the way things are going now with our adoption. But, you know what?? It really isn't about that. It's about the babies that need a warm bath and bottle. It's about rocking a scared 8 month old whose mom and dad were just arrested for drugs. It's about swaddling a cocaine addicted newborn while he is detoxing. It's about being thrown up on after every bottle because the drugs have messed up the baby's tummy. THAT is what it is about. Showing these babies the love of Jesus, even if only for a day.

So...if we have a different baby every time you see us, this is why. We are still holding onto the promise that we were given regarding Emma. But as the song I posted a couple of weeks ago says, "I will worship while I'm waiting, I will serve You while I'm waiting"....that's what we are doing.

When Emma comes, we will be finished. Until then, whether we have one baby or twelve, we are willing to help and walk through this door God has opened. When we suggested doing this many months ago, we were told absolutely not! So we waited on the Lord, and here we are.

We have court for Samara and Josiah tomorrow. It's just to update the judge on how our case is progressing. I was told that our packet had been sent to the state for authorization. Once authorized, they only have 3 weeks to complete it. That doesn't mean finalization at the court necessarily, but our date will be very close to that. They did tell me that as long as we have been sent for authorization by April, we will not have to redo our home study. I hope they are right. I may ask the judge this tomorrow.

Oh...we are also closing on our house tomorrow! PRAISE THE LORD!!! We ended up having to have a second inspection. For some reason, the underwriter didn't like the first one. Long story short, the second appraiser was $15,000 higher than the first! I laughed out loud on that one!!!! He seemed a little miffed that he had to do it at all! I really liked him!

Finally, God is bringing about closure to many loose ends. I hope and pray that I have learned everything He has had to teach me through it all.

Swirls in the darkness...

I have new hope today. Nothing has changed in our status. We are still the parents of 4 bio children, 2 almost adopted children, and 1 adopted baby who sits at the feet of Jesus. (Or is it "whom" sits at the feet of Jesus...my LIGHT friends will get that!) We still don't have our mortgage, still don't have our adoption final (although I was told it HAD BEEN SENT to the state...I will be checking up on that tomorrow) and still have not heard a word from "T" regarding our "March" baby.

Do you know what else hasn't changed??? God's promises to me.

August 2005 "May He give you the desires of your heart and make all your plans succeed." Ps 20:4
"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living." Ps 27:13
My promise of more children: "He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord." Ps 113:9 (July 2005)
November 2005 "God sets the lonely in families..." Ps 68:6
"He blessed them and their numbers increased greatly." Ps 107:38
"I wait quietly before God, for my hope is in Him." Ps 62:5
October 2008 "Her children will be nursed at her breasts, carried in her arms, and treated with love..." Is 66:12
"I am the Lord, the God of all the peoples of the world. Is anything too hard for me?" Jer. 32:27
"Without wavering, let us hold tightly to the hope we say we have, for God can be trusted to keep His promise." Heb 10:23
"So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for a while." 1 Peter 1:6

And SO many more...I just shared a few that popped out as I flipped through my Bible. Today, I received this verse:
"Then the Lord said to Moses, 'Is there any limit to my power? Now you will see whether or not my word comes true!" Num 11:23

He is the same today as He was yesterday and as He will be tomorrow. He has a glorious plan for our baby. Please continue to pray for "T" as she gets close to having this baby. (We still are not sure when she is due...possibly even into April.)

Something strange happened to me this past week. Well, for the past few weeks, I have really been in a funk. I chalked it up to the fact that we were hitting the 6 month mark since losing Jacob, but now I think it was something altogether different. I really was ready to pack up all the baby stuff and just forget it. I thought I was hearing from God, but I just wasn't getting excited like I had been in the past. I couldn't figure it out, but I couldn't shake it, either. It just wasn't like me.

Last Sunday, I saw a terrible accident on my way home. It involved a bicycler and a vehicle and while I do not know the outcome, it left an image in my mind that I had rather not seen. I am not a dreamer...my dreams when I do have them are ridiculous. But that night, I dreamt that Samara was hit by a car. I turned to whomever was standing next to me (I know it was a close friend, but don't know who) and said, "I cannot do this again." Then Samara popped up and said, "I'm okay!" And I woke up.

When I awoke, I sensed a darkness around me. I could actually see a dark cloud looking presence. I immediately started praying all of the "in the name of Jesus Christ" prayers I knew, and started to get REALLY irritated when I figured out this was Satan...again! I was pretty persistant with my prayers and started to see white swirls within the darkness. As I kept praying, the cloud slowly disappeared. And then I felt God's peace and presence. I was under attack. I had been for the past few weeks. As soon as the battle had been won, my entire demeanor has been different.

The only other time I have experienced this was just after Jacob died. I was having thoughts that were not the truth about Jacob's death. I couldn't even tell you what they were, but I remember I started praying right away and could literally FEEL God fighting for me. I could feel the struggle and then all of a sudden, I felt a peace flow down my body that could only be of the Lord.

We are in a battle. A daily battle that we cannot even see most days. I praise God for all of my prayer warriors praying for me on a daily basis.

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I would like for you all to keep us in prayer for another situation that has presented itself. There is a teenage mother we know about who is leaning toward placing her baby boy for adoption. She is due soon, but we don't know many other details. I am praying for God's will for her and her baby. I will keep you posted on that.

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To close, I would like to share something my dear sister in Christ sent to me last week. She recently almost died during an emergency surgery...I believe God allowed her that experience in order to share this with me:

"Anyway you may be asking why do I tell you this and the only thing God has said to me is that Tracy needs to know that even though you think Jacob suffered before dying he was okay because it was in an instant, and he had peace, there is no worries, Jacob didn't think aobut anything only about Jesus, Jesus was there to greet His child. He did not suffer long and you can take joy in the fact that God was there with him through the whole thing. God was with me the entire time and I know He was with Jacob too, I could feel God's presence and it gave me peace and Jacob could feel God's presence and felt His peace."

Praise God for the people He surrounds me with. Tracy

"Put your hand here in my side..."

I am going to be quite open and honest with you all tonight. I have this certain "image" you might say, that I like for people to "see" when they think of me. That all might just be a thing of the past after tonight's blog!

I am down. I am sad. I am tired. Make that EXHAUSTED! God is good. I know that. But pretend I am human here for a little while and allow me to vent. We have been trying to get our mortgage final for FOUR months. There is nothing wrong with our house, our credit, our bank, our anything. But for some reason, we are asked on a weekly basis for copies of things that have already been sent, or answers to questions that don't seem to pertain to a mortgage. (Really??? You need to know our blood types and take a sample of our dna??) This has been a source of stress for us for some time now. (And we thought selling the other house was a big stress!) You know that we have been trying to finalize our adoption of Samara and Josiah. It feels the same as the mortgage...constantly re-sending information that doesn't seem to pertain to adoption. (Why do you care what my favorite salad dressing is??? Does that make me a good or bad parent??) Yes...I am exaggerating a little here. And just when we think we are almost there, BOOM! The salad dressing choice was not good enough. I was told today that we will be closing on our house FRIDAY. (This is about our 7th closing date in the past 2 months.) I was also told that our home study was sent to OK county. Those are all great things. But I have become jaded. I can't even get excited about it anymore. I want PROOF that these two issues are finished.

And then there is the baby thing. Like I said, I am going to be honest. I am exhausted. I am tired of the waiting, the not knowing, the what-ifs, and mostly the knowing how many infants are sitting in the DHS shelters because they cannot find a home for them. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!

This week also marked 6 months since Jacob's death. No wonder I was in a crappy mood on Monday. It didn't even occur to me until late afternoon. I miss him. I cry every day for the baby that should still be here. And now that 104th street is closed, we are forced to drive 119th to get anywhere on the south side of okc. I drive past the grave on almost a daily basis. I can feel my chest tighten on the corner of Rockwell and 119th, knowing I will be there soon. You don't think about things like that when choosing your child's grave. You shouldn't have to.

UGH! I am SO ready for some peace and a quiet place to rest. Please, God, show me your nail-scarred hands and let me put my finger in your side!

So, bearing all of "that" in mind, I had a enlightening conversation with God this morning on the way to PE class. It went something like this:

Me: I am so tired. I am done. The baby is not coming. But if she is, God, then I need some proof. You know that "I" believe you, but what about all of these people that are waiting with us?? THEY need proof!

God: Doubting Thomas.

Me: I am not doubting, I just don't want everyone else to think I am crazy for believing You!

(Enter one verse of a song that I could not even tell you the name of or anything else about it.)

"Let me touch the nail scarred hands so I can believe"...or something like that.

God: You are using your friends as your excuse for your doubting...it's still doubting.

But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master." But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it." Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you."
Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe."
Thomas said, "My Master! My God!"
Jesus said, "So, you believe because you've seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." (John 20:24-29)

May I be one who believes without seeing. But I am afraid I am not that person at all, today. I need to examine His hands. My head says "Believe." But, my heart is not so sure.

I am sorry for all the whining...I am not normally a whiner...out loud, anyway! But Praise God! He made me, He knows me, and He still loves me. Amazing.

So then I go for my nightly bubble bath/prayer time. This is the prayer from "The Prayer That Changes Everything/Book of Prayers" by Stormie Omartian.

"Lord, I give all of my anxiety and fear to You. I surrender my hold on them and release them into Your hands. I lift my eyes to You, for You are my help in time of trouble. I will praise You in the midst of all that happens in my life. I know that in Your presence I don't need to be anxious or afraid of anything. I refuse to entertain discouragement and instead choose this day to find my encouragement in You. Your love comforts me and takes away all my fear. your power in my life gives me strength and makes me secure. Thank You for giving me the courage to go forward and fulfill the destiny You have for me."

"The poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them." (Psalm 34:6-7)

I feel much better.

Clarification of last post

My mother informed me that I sounded a bit ugly in my last post. Let me clarify. When I said I have "prayed people away"...yeah...that sounds ugly. What I meant for those who don't know me, is that I have had circumstances in the past where there has been a problem or ongoing issue that had led me to shut my mouth, pray about it, and let God take care of it. In these instances, in my life anyhow, God has chosen to move the problem/issue. SO...I don't actually PRAY people away...I just pray for a reconcilliation and this is how God has chosen to answer. So, with those people who know me in "real life", they tease me about praying people away. Sorry if I offended anyone...not my intent...hope this helps clarify!

Jesus calms the storm...

I have felt led to update my blog tonight. Although I am not sure why, and when I felt the urgency, I really didn't have anything to say. But, I decided to read my Bible for the day (yeah...I'm late, but better late than never!) and now I know!

We went on a field trip today to the Tulsa Children's Museum. The kids had a great time and I got to spend time with adult friends that I really like.

I found out some things about our upcoming adoption that I was pondering when we got home. I was talking to God, just telling Him that I was okay with whatever happened. I also wondered if I should just pack everything up and forget about it all. (This was not a God led thought...it was a tired about a LOT of things thought!) Later, as I was taking my nightly bubble bath, I was praying, asking God to speak to my heart. It's just been quiet and I needed to hear from Him. (Don't get me wrong...I am still trusting Him with our Emma Claire...I am not doubting, just needed to hear.)

A couple of hours go by and being me, I had forgotten what I had asked for. So, I get this urge to write, without really having anything to say, read my Bible, and here is what my Bible said to me:

I was reading about Jesus and the disciples on the boat, when the storm came and the disciples all got their undies in a wad.

"Teacher, don't you even care that we are going to drown?"

(My own version..."God, don't you even care that I lost my baby and now you are just making me wait???? I am drowning here!")

"When God woke up, He rebuked the wind and said to the water, "Quiet down!" Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. And He asked them, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still not have faith in me?"

Here I am, AGAIN, asking Him about this baby and what He had promised and this is what He tells me. OKAY! OKAY! I get it! Yes, I have faith!!!! LOL!

And then, over in my Psalm, "Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. He will honor you, giving you the land." (Psalm 37:34)

Once again, God has been faithful to me tonight in speaking this "rhema" to me. And for some reason, He wanted me to share this with you all, too. So I will hold on to His word, once again, and keep pressing forward.

Now...I have a request and you should be used to this by now. I found out that Emma's bio mom "T" is in a lot more trouble than we first imagined. She has been placed on the FBI's Most Wanted list. Our Christian Adoption Administrator told me that "T" being put in jail would be the best thing for everyone and that is how we would pray, I had no idea our prayers would land her on the most wanted list! Now...I have had my prayers answered for a LOT of things. I have prayed people away from our church (that sounds tacky, but they were causing problems), I have prayed people away from our homeschool group (don't worry...if you are reading this, then it wasn't you!) but I have never prayed anyone into jail! Will you join me?? (LOL!)

Seriously, "T" does need prayers. A LOT of them. I was able to get a picture of her, so now I have a face to pray for...that helps. Only God can help her now.