Emma Claire...the sequel

That's what this feels like. When I look back, I feel like when we left the hospital in August WITHOUT Emma in her little carrier with the carseat cover I made for her (you know the one with the matching diaper bag, burp rag, and going home outfit that all matched because I am anal like that???) it was the end of a movie. One of those movies that kind of leaves itself open to a sequel. Of course, I had no idea if/what/when/how/where/why this sequel would be written. And now we are living out the sequel.



I told "R" (Emma's cousin who has her) last night that it feels like she is the one giving Emma up and I am adopting from her. I keep getting these thoughts and feelings like I had when I was waiting for "E" to give birth to Emma. Although, I do have to say that "R" is MUCH less stressful than "E" because she is NOT a crazy drug addict! And as my mom said, for some reason, Emma and probably "R", too, needed these past 6 months together. If we had taken Emma home in August, it is extremely likely that she would have never known her family, her history, her past. "R" is here to make sure that doesn't happen and for that I am extremely greatful. I will have to tell you more about "R" one day, if she approves, as I think you will love her the way we are starting to.



At this point, for all intents and purposes, Emma is HER baby. (Minus the DHS involvement!) She is making an extremely difficult decision to do what she feels God is telling her to do. Give Emma to us. Please keep her and her fiance in your prayers as this new story unfolds. (AND she is going to teach me how to fix Emma's hair! WOOHOO!!) I will share more of the details of little things like how she just could never make herself erase my phone number. ("E" had called me one time from her phone.) It's one of those little details that God orchestrates that we would miss if we aren't looking for His hand in our everyday lives.



I read this quote in the Bible study I am teaching at our church: "If I knew everything God knew, and had His heart, I would allow what God allows." Wow. That means even the really bad stuff. The terrible things that happen, like when your two year old gets caught between the dresser and the bed and dies in your home.



So, even though I know that God is in control, my flesh continues to question and worry. I know, someone should put me in time out! "R" and I only know each other through email and phone conversations. She only has my word telling her we are going to take care of and love Emma. I only have her word that she is going to let us do that. But, I also have the promises and the fleeces that I sent out and God answered!

Last night as I was doing my Bible study, I was really enjoying it and God was showing me many things. But it hit me, "God, you haven't said anything to me about Emma and what is going on with her." As I am flipping through Hebrews, looking up a verse that had NOTHING to do with Emma, there is a verse on a page that literally jumped out at me. Yes, like in the movies when the print jumps off the page...like that!! And here is what God said to me:



The Certainty of God's Promise
"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying 'I will surely bless you and give you many descendents." And, so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 6:13-15



God promised Emma. Last night, I was talking to my mom about all that has happened. If Emma had come home with us from the hospital, like I had planned, then God's promise to me would have been fulfilled. He would have received all the glory, all the praise, it still would have been His answer to my prayers. But as I told my mom last night, God is a showoff. And please don't get me wrong. I mean absolutely NO disrespect by what I just said. But as I think about it and all that has happened in my heart since we lost Emma, isn't it just so GOD to present us with the unimaginable?? Bringing Emma home from the hospital wasn't really a big deal. People adopt and bring their babies home all the time. But to get her after 6-7 months? THAT is GOD!!!



I leave you with a verse God has given me from the beginning of His promise of a baby to me...


"Look at the nations and watch, be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days, that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakuk 1:5

"Yet I am confident....

...that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

This is the verse that God spoke to me on August 5, 2009, the day after we came home from the hospital WITHOUT Emma Claire.....

Last week, we had an ice storm. That left us stuck at home for MANY days in a row. My normal "stuck at home" activities would be to clean out a closet or bedroom or something like that. You know you aren't going anywhere, therefore, you know you can stay on task! Instead, I rediscovered my love of digital scrapbooking. I started digi-scrapping about the time we started doing foster care. It served two purposes. Much easier to get in and out and I needed the closet space that all of my scrapbooking supplies were occupying! So I began. I collected the digi papers and elements and learned the program well. And then Jacob died.

Only recently have I TRULY begun to feel like the old me. I decided it was time to organize my scrapbooking stuff...on my laptop! I had experienced a hard drive crash since I last used the program, so I had to reinstall EVERYTHING....like 4000 papers and elements. It took me 2 days sitting in the recliner, while watching "What Not To Wear" and "Cake Boss". (It was that or the psycho weathermen talking about the "liquid rain"...not sure what other kind of rain possibilities there are, but whatever.)

And then the creativity began. I decided to move from the most recent pics and go backward. I was doing well, but pictures of Emma kept popping up. I was actually tired of looking at them, so I did a two page layout so I could delete the pics. I journaled about our hopes for her and God's plan, finished the page, and felt like I was closing that chapter, for good. It was nice to be mentally and emotionally able to do so in a way that I felt remembered Emma, but didn't dwell on her.

Today, I received a most unexpected phone call. "E's" cousin called me today asking if we had a baby yet. I told her that we did not. She asked if we would/could adopt Emma Claire. (That is what SHE called her...I found that interesting.) We talked some and she explained to me some very valid reasons as to why she would not be able to adopt Emma. She seems very sweet. Evidently, she was told that I was providing "E" with drugs and trying to buy/steal her baby. That is why the cousin stepped in and she said had she known the truth, she never would have taken Emma from us. I laughed because that is what "E" had told us about her cousin!

I don't know all the details of what might happen, but she asked me to please go to court with her on February 26. She plans on telling the judge that she will not be adopting and explaining the situation we had. We are considered a kinship, and our adoption homestudy is in the works, so having her placed with us should not be a problem. (They were willing to open us up as kinship when she was born.) We just need clarity and guidance.

"E's" cousin said that she had been praying really hard about what to do and God brought me to her mind. She feels He answered her prayer. As far as DHS is concerned, Emma is free for adoption. The judge is the same judge we had for Jacob. I feel like God has been moving in this all along. DUH!

Although I don't seem to do this often enough, I got home today and went straight to my Bible. I will leave you with a request to pray for us and the verse God spoke to me, again, today:

"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

He who gives to the poor...

I have been struggling. I am going to be quite honest here today. It may not be pretty, but it all needs to come out. If you have followed my blog for very long, you will remember that back in June-August of last year, we were matched with a homeless woman who wanted us to adopt her baby girl. "E" was talked about and prayed for here on my blog. (If you have no idea what I am talking about, check out my archives from June-August...I have no idea how to attach posts like those professional bloggers do!)


We all know how that ended...badly. "E" was/is a homeless drug addict by choice. I learned so many things about her world while spending time with her. I came to really resent homeless people. They are living on the streets, collecting social security checks for their "mental illnesses", spending those checks within about 2 days of getting them, and we are ultimately paying for their addictions. (Now, I really haven't had a change of heart in this regard...I believe these people should be drug tested before receiving their government checks. No, I don't know how you would oversee it, or care, I'm just saying!)


And then there was the mother of my former foster kids who used and abused us with the promise of her baby (that she wasn't even pregnant with). Burned by yet another homeless person.


So, fast forward a couple of months after "E" and I am asked to head up our women's ministry at church. I wanted to, I knew God was leading me to this, but there was something missing in my spirit. First of all, they wanted us to help the homeless. Ummm...nope. Sorry. I will support you all in what you want to do, but I am done with homeless drug addicts. DONE!!!


I felt totally justified in this. Those homeless people deserve what they get. They chose to do the drugs. They chose this life. And on and on the excuses went. I mean really, can you blame me? Just look what these people did to us and all we were doing was trying to help them!


So there. Someone else will deal with the homeless, I'll help with everything else. And our women's ministry moves forward.

As you know, Patrick and I are praying to adopt through DHS. This is straight adoption, not foster care. The children available have already served their time in foster care and need a forever family. Because DHS changes their rules all the time, there was a 3 hour class that has been added since we first started doing foster care. So, last week, the coldest night ever (in my opinion), we head downtown to take our class. We stop at a Taco Bell to eat, and because of the temperatures, there are some homeless people coming in and out to warm up. We were just blocks from the bridge where "E" lives. Patrick and I were finishing eating and this homeless couple walks in. They are freezing. She was carrying all of her belongings and her hands were frozen. When I say that, I am not talking about when you or I get out of our warm vehicles to pump gas, or run to the mailbox from our warm homes and claim that we are freezing. This woman was in pain. He was trying his best to warm her hands, but his hands were cold, too. I watched them as they were trying to figure out how to get her warm.

I walked over and handed her my gloves. Her eyes lit up like I had handed her a million dollars. My heart was breaking for her. She said, "Oh, thank you! Bless you!!" He said, "We were trying to get her warmed up, this is going to help."

And we walked out, got in our truck that was warm in about 2 minutes, and I put on the extra pair of gloves that were in my truck. It wasn't even a sacrifice for me. Not only did I have a pair in the truck (you know, a different color so that my ensemble is never an eyesore) but I have a couple of pair for EACH of my coats!!! If I wanted to, I could have had Patrick take me to the nearest store to replace my gloves. How I wish I had had the time to go buy a bunch of gloves and pass them around downtown.

Let me clue you in on the bigger thing here. God told us to go back to DHS. I did NOT want to go to a stupid 3 hour class that is supposed to tell me how wonderful it is to be friends with our adopted children's parents. (Been there, done that, they stole my t-shirt!) It was SO cold and I almost cancelled. But God had other plans. You see, he knew from before I was born that I was going to be hurt by homeless people. He also knew that I would have this encounter that would totally soften my heart towards the homeless again. Praise God.

That bitterness and hate that I was holding onto was gone the moment the gloves passed from my hands to hers.

"He who gives to the poor will lack nothing, but he who closes his eyes to them receives many curses." Proverbs 28:27

2009 in Three Words or Less

January - waiting for baby

February - 6 month mark

March - adoption match failed

April - foster baby placed

May - foster baby removed

June - matched with "E"

July - Emma Claire born

August - Emma Clarie lost
1 year mark

September - time heals nothing

October - drowning in depression

November - starting to resurface

December - we have hope!

Wishing you a Blessed CHRISTmas!

Here in Oklahoma, this is what we awoke to:

The first picture is out my back window and the second is out our front window. We received 14 inches of snow! There is a snow drift between our house and the next that is at least 4 feet tall. My kids are going to have a blast tomorrow!

I have lots to tell you about, but have been really busy getting everything ready for Christmas. I have been able to actively participate this year, which has been a blessing in itself.

The picture at the top of my page is of Jacob's handprint ornament. (I got a new camera for Christmas and have been playing with it!)

So, I wish you a very Merry Christmas, with wonderful memories made with your families!

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

little of this...little of that...

This post doesn't really have a specific point, just lots of little bits of info to put out there.

I found out some very interesting information this week. I know I have talked about wanting out of the county we are in according to DHS. If you read through all of my posts, I am quite sure you would read about this on many occasions. For one thing, we live ONE block from the county line. I can SPIT into OK county. (Okay...I can't, but it makes for a good imagery!) All the offices are closer than our county, all of our cases have been in OK county, and I could go on, but I won't bore you with all of that.

So, I mentioned in one of my last posts that we have signed up to do straight adoption through DHS. It was totally a God thing and still is as He is opening doors like you wouldn't believe! So, a couple of days ago, I got an email from MY county worker telling me that she had not checked our address when we adopted S&J, so when she put it in for this adoption, it came up OK county. WHAT??? Are you kidding me??? So, I talked with her about it a little to make sure she had the right info. I know for a fact we do not live in OK county. She assures me that according to them, I do. Okay. Whatever. So I do what I do and I go higher up. I sent an email to my old worker and she confirmed that no, we are NOT OK county. I am starting to get the feeling that nobody wants me!

Not 30 minutes later, I got a phone call from the adoption supervisor in OK county. Evidently, Adoptions and Foster care do not go by the same guidelines. Why I was surprised by this, I have no idea! So, if we want to foster, we are one county...if we want to adopt, we are OK county. Evidently, my zip code is an OK county zip code. Talk about identity issues!!

I am happy with the change, though. I will miss MY worker (she knows who she is) because she was so good at fighting for our causes, but I won't miss those she was fighting against. I am also very excited that OK county contacted me so soon. My info was just sent to them 2 days ago and they called me today. They will be scheduling a time to come out and do a walkthrough of our home in the next 2 weeks. We will have to redo some of our study, but most of it they will be able to use from S&J's adoption. (Yes, I can post their names, I am just too lazy to type them out.)

I also wanted to share something that I am continually learning about. It's what a personal Savior we have. I love when an issue comes up and I take it to God in prayer and within a day, He is speaking to me specifically about my issue. That happened just this week.

It never fails. Just as you are seeing and feeling God's presence in a situation, Satan will attack. And so many times, we are so blinded by the attack, we totally take our eyes off of God and the glorious thing He has just done in our lives. UGH! Why do we do this???

I have been lied about recently. In such a way that had it been believed, it could have caused severe damage to some people. Fortunately, it was very obvious that it was not truth, but still. I don't really care if people like me or agree with me, but when you call my honesty into question, uh...yeah...not good!

So, as I am processing all of this information, I went straight to the Word. Here is what God said to me:

"Arrogant people have made up lies about me, but in truth I obey your commandments with all my heart. Their hearts are dull and stupid, but I delight in your law. The suffering you sent was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your principles." Psalm 119:69-71

The Bible says that "God's word is living and active". It's really hard not to be bitter and just furious when people wrong you, but according to God, I need to be paying attention to Him...not the lies...not the injustice...but to Him. He knows. He will take care of it all. But I would be lying if I told you it wasn't really hard to allow Satan to steal my joy!

So, I am working on all of this.

And because I said this would be random, I now weigh what I weighed when I gave birth to my 4th child. Yeah, me. Gotta run and put my fat pants on so I can go eat Mexican with my friends tonight!! (Oh...and when I say "run", what I really mean is hollering to one of my kids to bring the pants to me!)