I am going to be quite open and honest with you all tonight. I have this certain "image" you might say, that I like for people to "see" when they think of me. That all might just be a thing of the past after tonight's blog!
I am down. I am sad. I am tired. Make that EXHAUSTED! God is good. I know that. But pretend I am human here for a little while and allow me to vent. We have been trying to get our mortgage final for FOUR months. There is nothing wrong with our house, our credit, our bank, our anything. But for some reason, we are asked on a weekly basis for copies of things that have already been sent, or answers to questions that don't seem to pertain to a mortgage. (Really??? You need to know our blood types and take a sample of our dna??) This has been a source of stress for us for some time now. (And we thought selling the other house was a big stress!) You know that we have been trying to finalize our adoption of Samara and Josiah. It feels the same as the mortgage...constantly re-sending information that doesn't seem to pertain to adoption. (Why do you care what my favorite salad dressing is??? Does that make me a good or bad parent??) Yes...I am exaggerating a little here. And just when we think we are almost there, BOOM! The salad dressing choice was not good enough. I was told today that we will be closing on our house FRIDAY. (This is about our 7th closing date in the past 2 months.) I was also told that our home study was sent to OK county. Those are all great things. But I have become jaded. I can't even get excited about it anymore. I want PROOF that these two issues are finished.
And then there is the baby thing. Like I said, I am going to be honest. I am exhausted. I am tired of the waiting, the not knowing, the what-ifs, and mostly the knowing how many infants are sitting in the DHS shelters because they cannot find a home for them. HELLOOOOOOOO!!!
This week also marked 6 months since Jacob's death. No wonder I was in a crappy mood on Monday. It didn't even occur to me until late afternoon. I miss him. I cry every day for the baby that should still be here. And now that 104th street is closed, we are forced to drive 119th to get anywhere on the south side of okc. I drive past the grave on almost a daily basis. I can feel my chest tighten on the corner of Rockwell and 119th, knowing I will be there soon. You don't think about things like that when choosing your child's grave. You shouldn't have to.
UGH! I am SO ready for some peace and a quiet place to rest. Please, God, show me your nail-scarred hands and let me put my finger in your side!
So, bearing all of "that" in mind, I had a enlightening conversation with God this morning on the way to PE class. It went something like this:
Me: I am so tired. I am done. The baby is not coming. But if she is, God, then I need some proof. You know that "I" believe you, but what about all of these people that are waiting with us?? THEY need proof!
God: Doubting Thomas.
Me: I am not doubting, I just don't want everyone else to think I am crazy for believing You!
(Enter one verse of a song that I could not even tell you the name of or anything else about it.)
"Let me touch the nail scarred hands so I can believe"...or something like that.
God: You are using your friends as your excuse for your doubting...it's still doubting.
But Thomas, sometimes called the Twin, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. The other disciples told him, "We saw the Master." But he said, "Unless I see the nail holes in his hands, put my finger in the nail holes, and stick my hand in his side, I won't believe it." Eight days later, his disciples were again in the room. This time Thomas was with them. Jesus came through the locked doors, stood among them, and said, "Peace to you."
Then he focused his attention on Thomas. "Take your finger and examine my hands. Take your hand and stick it in my side. Don't be unbelieving. Believe."
Thomas said, "My Master! My God!"
Jesus said, "So, you believe because you've seen with your own eyes. Even better blessings are in store for those who believe without seeing." (John 20:24-29)
May I be one who believes without seeing. But I am afraid I am not that person at all, today. I need to examine His hands. My head says "Believe." But, my heart is not so sure.
I am sorry for all the whining...I am not normally a whiner...out loud, anyway! But Praise God! He made me, He knows me, and He still loves me. Amazing.
So then I go for my nightly bubble bath/prayer time. This is the prayer from "The Prayer That Changes Everything/Book of Prayers" by Stormie Omartian.
"Lord, I give all of my anxiety and fear to You. I surrender my hold on them and release them into Your hands. I lift my eyes to You, for You are my help in time of trouble. I will praise You in the midst of all that happens in my life. I know that in Your presence I don't need to be anxious or afraid of anything. I refuse to entertain discouragement and instead choose this day to find my encouragement in You. Your love comforts me and takes away all my fear. your power in my life gives me strength and makes me secure. Thank You for giving me the courage to go forward and fulfill the destiny You have for me."
"The poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him, and saved him from all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him, and delivers them." (Psalm 34:6-7)
I feel much better.
1 week ago