Monday, September 28, 2009

Just so you know...

Whomever said "time heals all wounds" was a complete moron who never had a wound! Well, maybe he was right in a sense. Wounds do heal, therefore, I suppose the grief that comes when we lose someone to death shouldn't be considered a wound. I would argue that it is rather a gaping hole, never to return to it's prior shape. There is no scabbing over. There is no new skin to grow, just the hole. (By now you are probably sensing my mood so it is now up to you as to whether or not you continue reading!)

Thirteen months have come and gone since Jacob died. Do you realize that this time next year I will have grieved for him longer than I actually had him? I am not exactly sure what is wrong with me. I thought that it would be easier after we hit the "year" mark. And in some ways, it is, but I keep going back to what we were doing last year at this time. What we were feeling. I truly think my body is having "physical" memories. The little's therapist explained to me one time that even though they were too young to remember what really happened to them on a conscious level, their bodies remembered and when those "physical" memories were triggered by whatever (sounds, smells, etc.) their bodies responded with a physical response.

I think my body is responding to those things that were going on a year ago. I am extremely fatigued for no reason, could spend days sleeping in my bed, have no desire to go anywhere or do anything, struggling to go to church, and I could go on. A year ago, I was still in shock for the most part. The reality of what our life would be like without Jacob was still unknown. I was still just trying to breathe.

I also think that I have a fear of people not remembering that we had him. The sound of my telling people we have 6 children at home is getting easier to say and that scares me. There will come a time when people will walk into my home and ask about the picture of the chocolate baby boy on the wall. I will make new friends who never knew me as Jacob's mommy. Just the thought makes me want to vomit.

And on one hand, I don't want to go back to where I was this time last year. On the other hand, spending hours on my bed by myself is such a comfort. I could live there easily.

For those of you waiting on the "old" Tracy to come back, it's not going to happen. Did you really think it would? I have a gaping hole in my chest that cannot be fixed. It will be there until the day I die. I have been forever changed. Just like I was forever changed when I went to pick Jacob up at the DHS office 3 years ago.

On a positive note, God is the Almighty comforter, healer, maker of my heart. Although I will never be the same, God is growing me. He is teaching me about His grace and mercy, His unfailing love, and that His promises are rock solid.

" 'My thoughts are completely different from yours,' says the Lord. 'And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.'" Isaiah 55:8-9

And that is where I will find my peace and rest.


Leslie said...

I only know you through the homeschool contacts but have followed your blog for a some time. My personal experiences with the grief process tells me that 18 months is the low point. The shock has faded and now you are left to live with that huge hole that was Jacob's place. The hole in your heart will never close. A scab will never form. You gain strength in other areas to support the part of you that will never heal. The days are long, the nights longer and How Dare Anyone ever think anything will ever be normal again. In reality they won't. A new normal does come but it contains the pain left by the absence of your son. I have no sage words to offer. Only a reminder of what you already know. God is faithful. He will remain with you. He will comfort you. He is sufficient.
Leslie VanBuskirk

Al's World said...

Thank you for being so open and honest, it is the only way for true healing. You have to be vulunerable, you have to be honest, God can only work with a humble heart. I love you and feel your pain, this weekend will mark one year that my mom was diagnosed with cancer...and so the countdown begins. My church is doing a churchwide book called Life's Healing Choices it is written by the man who started Celebrate Recovery at Saddleback, it is excellent and would highly recomend it. Hang in there, take each day as it comes, and somedays if you want to stay in bed..stay in bed I know I do. Will continue to pray...

Kristy said...

So good to read your post and yes I could sense your mood right away but by having these feelings you are alive and it's so good your talking or writing about it. I couldn't imagine going through what you have you are strong in your faith and I love reading about your good days and bad ones because you always go back to the word

Nan said...

You are in my prayers...You are right....Jacob left a gaping hole that won't be filled, or scabbed, or healed.....My heart aches for you. You may not ever be the "old" Tracy but you will be the "new" Tracy that God has molded for his glory! I know you don't feel like that right now, but God has used you to touch many are a testimony of his love and faithfulness.

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Author Unknown

Sara said...

My heart is hurting for you. I could completely relate to so much of what you said... and I have to admit I have much worry over what I will feel when we Samuel will have been gone a year this Oct. 30th. I have heard sometimes the anticipation is worse than the day itself. I just don't know. Thank you for your honesty in sharing. I appreciat that, it helps me to know my thoughts and feelings are normal for a mama missing her son terribly.
Tracy, I will pray for the Lord to continue to sustain you day by day, step by step. He is using you to minister to other grieving moms like me. I hate that we both walk this journey, yet I find comfort that there are others who truly understand. Thinking of you and lifting you up before our Lord, our healer, our comforter, our creator... the creator of our precious boys... tonight.

We are BJ's forever family! said...

Hi it is Sarah from the CA family-The only one who truly understands is the Lord-because HE knows your pain when he suffered the loss of His son.
I am praying for you and the total restoration of your joy.
It is hard to imagine but one day you will be able to minister to another mommy who has suffered a loss as devastating as yours.

Amber said...

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