If you make it through this post, I promise the rest won't be as long...this is 2 weeks worth!
Jacob's adopton day was great. The judge was so kind, as were the workers that came. The kids all wore shirts that said:
We went to Zio's as a family to celebrate afterwards. The waitress made him a chocolate brownie sundae dessert that he kindly shared with Mommy. We planned to have the extended family over on 8/23/08 to celebrate and see our new home. We also planned on having Jacob dedicated on 8/24/08.
On Saturday morning, 8/23/08, everyone woke up and got busy as our company was coming at lunch. I heard Jacob and "J" playing in their room, so I went to get dressed (although I think I got sidetracked doing some laundry) and Justin went to get the littles out for breakfast. I was across the house, but knew immediately that something was wrong by the way Justin said "JACOB!"
My baby was not breathing. Justin found him caught between the dresser and the bed. By the time I got to him, he was laying on the floor. He was beautiful. He looked like he was asleep. I know now that he was already gone. Although we do not have an official report yet, we believe that Jacob's death was caused by a heart defect. At first, we thought it was a freak accident with the dresser. I will report more on this when we get the official report, but we do know that Jacob did not suffer. There was no bruising on his neck, which means his heart was not pumping the blood it needed to bruise.
As you can imagine, this is a parent's worst nightmare. 911 came and took our baby and the last time we saw him was on the floor in our living room. We were not allowed to see him at the hospital, where he was pronounced dead. We are still not sure why this was, as it seems terribly wrong not to allow parents to say goodbye to their baby. (And don't you worry...I will be researching this and making sure this doesn't happen to anyone else!)
JACOB HAD BEEN PLAYING IN THE SAND!
Now that we are "caught up", I will post soem of the emails that I sent to our homeschool group to keep them in the loop and let them know how God was healing us.
Monday, 8/25/08
First of all, we are being investigated by DHS…they say it is normal…I say it is criminal. While furious with the worker for interrupting our lives, she, as a person, was extremely kind and helpful. She said that the reports from the hospital and police conclude that it was indeed an accident. She also said (and this was a comfort) that had we been standing in the room with him, because of the injury, the result would have been the same. God took him and he did not suffer…who could really ask for more? I told the kids that if Jacob were given a choice, he would never choose to leave God’s side.
Secondly, as my neighbor held me as the paramedics were working on Jake, I was screaming that I didn’t want to be the poster child for furniture safety. I wanted to be the poster child for the miracle He would do on my baby! Yesterday, God revealed to me that I AM the poster child of a miracle. Jacob never should have survived birth. Jacob was very near death when we got him. God gave us a miracle in Jacob long before Saturday, and I WILL be God’s poster child!
I have had a few emails of people wanting to come to the funeral but not wanting to intrude. You are my church. You are my family. You are welcome to come and celebrate Jacob’s life with us. (Wow…2 days ago there was no way I could of looked at this as a celebration.)
Again…even if I do not have the chance to email you back personally, know that your emails have touched my life and God is holding me in His hands, through you all.
Tracy
Tuesday, 8/26/08
I know that not everyone was able to attend the funeral today, I did not expect that, but I want to thank each of you who did, and those of you who were praying for us even though you couldn’t be there. It was a beautiful service, more than I could have hoped for.
There were at least 2 people there that I do not think are believers. Please pray that the Holy Spirit spoke to them today/through Jacob’s life. One is a neighbor of mine who I have been praying that we would be a witness to. She was the first one here on Saturday and grabbed my little ones so they would be protected from the scene. One is my uncle who was dealing with the year anniversary of his wife’s funeral the day Jacob died.
There were also MANY DHS workers present…half of them were not associated with Jacob at all, but have known our family at one point or another. I pray our family has been a witness to them, as well.
The judge (Judge Richard Kirby) that we had during Jacob’s life closed his courtroom to attend Jacob’s funeral, along with Jacob’s attorney, the court clerk, and the assistant DA, who were all involved with Jacob’s case. Judge Kirby had told me at the adoption that Jacob was special to him and his staff and that they wanted us to keep in touch. I was extremely touched and thankful they were there today.
I am planning on attending the play date on Friday. I would love to see as many of you there as can come, but please expect random thoughts from the past few days to fall out of my mouth. It is somehow therapeutic for me (Thanks, Melanie!) while it could be somewhat irritating for you! J BUT…it helps me sleep at night!
On Saturday, I kept thinking of that song “the Joy of the Lord is My Strength” and at the same time wondering how in the world I would ever have joy again, I could barely breathe. It is still hard at times, but I can truly say that I am joyful. There are so many things I have to be thankful for, even in this tragic death. Jacob died instantly…no suffering. Isn’t that what we would want for all of our children? It’s what I want for me! Patrick and I were talking on the way to the funeral and realized that Jacob was doing what he loved the most when he passed…climbing! So, I have found joy again…it is possible…while it isn’t 24 hours a day, it is there.
Thank you doesn’t seem adequate…
Tracy
Wednesday, 8/7/08
I really don’t want to or feel like it, but I don’t have anything else to do. I thought about some retail therapy, but not sure I am ready for that. (Who am I kidding?? I am ALWAYS ready!)
Anyway, I open my Bible and the scripture just pops out at me…funny how God can do that…
Before you read this, know that I have been struggling with what to do next. I know it is so soon, but you all know how I am with my “planning”. My family needs something to look forward to…something to pour ourselves into. You may say, “Well, you still have 6 kids…isn’t that enough to do?” Sure, it’s enough, but it isn’t “all”. I don’t know how to explain that. Anyway, this is how God spoke to me today…
1 Corinthians 15:50-58 (New Living Translation)
50 What I am saying, dear brothers and sisters, is that our physical bodies cannot inherit the Kingdom of God. These dying bodies cannot inherit what will last forever.
51 But let me reveal to you a wonderful secret. We will not all die, but we will all be transformed! 52 It will happen in a moment, in the blink of an eye, when the last trumpet is blown. For when the trumpet sounds, those who have died will be raised to live forever. And we who are living will also be transformed. 53 For our dying bodies must be transformed into bodies that will never die; our mortal bodies must be transformed into immortal bodies.
54 Then, when our dying bodies have been transformed into bodies that will never die,[a] this Scripture will be fulfilled:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.[b] 55 O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?[c]”
56 For sin is the sting that results in death, and the law gives sin its power. 57 But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ.
58 So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless.
So I finish posting to you all and go on reading…
Psalm 39
For Jeduthun, the choir director: A psalm of David.
1 I said to myself, “I will watch what I do and not sin in what I say. I will hold my tongue when the ungodly are around me.” 2 But as I stood there in silence— not even speaking of good things— the turmoil within me grew worse. 3 The more I thought about it, the hotter I got, igniting a fire of words: 4 “Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered— how fleeting my life is. 5 You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” Interlude
6 We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. 7 And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you. 8 Rescue me from my rebellion. Do not let fools mock me. 9 I am silent before you; I won’t say a word, for my punishment is from you. 10 But please stop striking me! I am exhausted by the blows from your hand. 11 When you discipline us for our sins, you consume like a moth what is precious to us. Each of us is but a breath. Interlude
12 Hear my prayer, O Lord! Listen to my cries for help! Don’t ignore my tears. For I am your guest— a traveler passing through, as my ancestors were before me. 13 Leave me alone so I can smile again before I am gone and exist no more.
8/30/08 ARE YOU KIDDING ME???
I have questioned God a little bit this past week. Not like you might think. I hope I can explain this. I have been sheltered from tragedy my whole life. I have had my grandpas die, but they were old and sick…it was expected. I have never had what I would consider long term crisis. God has been faithful.
Because of that, I have always wondered how I would react in a time of trial. The Bible tells us over and over again that we are to praise the Lord in ALL things, whether good or bad. All of these years that I have read these verses, and while I believed them, I always wondered if that would be me. Could I really praise Him if He took my home? What about Patrick’s job? Maybe my parents? Seriously? The loss of my baby??? I can honestly tell you that He has given me the answer. YES! Can you believe it?? It is possible to have the joy of the Lord, even through tragedy.
And that leads me to my “subject” header. I will admit I have not been in my Bible on a daily basis this past week…I have held it a lot, but not my normal reading. J I have a one year Bible that I read, so I get Old Testament (Job of all books right now!), New Testament, a Psalm, and Proverb. I shared with you all the passage I received the other day. Here is what was on today’s agenda:
2 Corinthians 4:5-10
5 You see, we don’t go around preaching about ourselves. We preach that Jesus Christ is Lord, and we ourselves are your servants for Jesus’ sake. 6 For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of Jesus Christ.
7 We now have this light shining in our hearts, but we ourselves are like fragile clay jars containing this great treasure.[a] This makes it clear that our great power is from God, not from ourselves.
8 We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. 9 We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. 10 Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies.
And then…because sometimes I peek ahead at the next day…
2 Corinthians 4:13-18
13 But we continue to preach because we have the same kind of faith the psalmist had when he said, “I believed in God, so I spoke.”[a] 14 We know that God, who raised the Lord Jesus,[b] will also raise us with Jesus and present us to himself together with you. 15 All of this is for your benefit. And as God’s grace reaches more and more people, there will be great thanksgiving, and God will receive more and more glory.
16 That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are[c] being renewed every day. 17 For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! 18 So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
And that’s when I had to share. God’s Word is alive! Had I read ahead 2 weeks ago, it might not have meant a thing, but God is a very personal God, as He has shown me so many different times, especially when it comes to our foster care. He has consistently shown me this past week of all I have to look forward to, and I can tell you, that Heaven is a much sweeter place to me now. Did I want to go before Jacob died? Of course, but for reasons I cannot put into words, I have a much greater desire to get there and I want everyone to go with me!
Have a blessed Sunday!
Tracy
P.S. Please pray that sleep will come easily for me. I have been taking a prescription, but I think they are making me sickly during the day…can’t stand that feeling! So I will not be taking one tonight.
Thursday, 9/4/08
It’s strange the things that bother you after you lose a child. For me, it was the nursery at PE class. I guess I had not thought about the fact that Jacob would not be joining me in the nursery. For an hour, I had no reason to be in there, and nothing really to do. That was hard. But next week will be easier. I will just hold all of your babies!
Tuesday night I did not sleep well. I had been doing very well and I know that the ONLY reason is the prayers you all have been praying. I would just doze off when some picture of Jacob would flash through my head, jolting me awake. These are not the pictures that were God given, not the truth. So I started praying and it was like God and Satan were fighting for me. It was the strangest thing. I prayed “in the name of Jesus I rebuke these thoughts” and at that very moment, I felt the peace of God flood through my entire body. I have felt peace before, but this was a peace that took away every pain, every fear, every negative emotion and thought. It had to be just a small example of what Jacob felt when God took him from us.
Today, God gave me this:
Eccl. 7:1-4
“A good reputation is more valuable than the most expensive perfume. In the same way, the day you die is better than the day you are born. It is better to spend your time at funerals that at festivals. For you are going to die, and you should think about it while there is still time. Sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us. A wise person thinks much about death, while the fool thinks only about having a good time now.”
2 Corinthians 7:10
“For God can use sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek salvation. We will never regret that kind of sorrow. But sorrow without repentance is the kind that results in death.”
Psalm 48:9-10
“O God, we meditate on your unfailing love as we worship in your Temple. As Your name deserves, O God, you will be praised to the ends of the earth. Your strong right hand is filled with victory.”
Thanks for letting me share…
Tracy
JACOB'S 2ND BIRTHDAY!
With a lot of love and prayers, Jacob started to flourish. In October 2006, his biological mother's rights were terminated due to her drug use. In the meantime, Jacob graduated from Sooner Start and became a healthy, rotten, baby boy.
