Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I am weak, but HE is strong!

For most of us, the first Bible song we hear/learn is Jesus Loves Me. As the paramedics were working on Jacob that day, I knew I would be leaving to the hospital so I decided I should get dressed and brush my teeth. (It wasn't the best brushing I will admit!) For some reason, whenever I imagined myself in a crisis, I was in my jammies!!! While I was crying and brushing my teeth, the words were running through my head, "I am weak, but HE is strong, I am weak, but HE is strong!" I repeated it over and over, even as the police officers were questioning me. (Really??? You are asking me for my social security number and that of my children while my baby is dying???) In the lowest moments of my life, God was there speaking to me. That beautiful, simple, child's song held me through those dark moments. It was a reminder that whatever was happening, God was right there in the middle of it.

Last week, I mentioned to one of my workers that we still felt led to help babies. Unfortunately, my home already contains DHS's magical maximum number of children so I was not very hopeful. I offered to do some overnight, emergency care and my worker thought it was a great idea. It was discussed within the office and I was led to believe it was a huge need and was told to call the supervisor, so I set up a time to call her. The first thing out of her mouth was, "I am sorry, but you are not ready for this and if we overplace you (meaning more than 6 children in the home) we will lose our federal monies for all of the foster children in your home." Let me preface this by telling you that this particular person has absolutely NO people skills, nor has she ever. I understand this as we are speaking, but then she adds, "Do you not remember that WE (her DHS office) NEVER would have placed "J" with you (he made number 7 at the time and was a sibling to number 6) had the (different county) judge not court ordered it!" REALLY??? Please kick me while I am down! Then she went on to say "We did not receive any federal monies for any of your foster kids while you were over placed." So...it's NOT about the kids after all, but about your federal monies. I did offer to sign some sort of waiver so they would not have to pay me because for me, it's NOT about the money. So, I told her thank you for her time and that I see that her office has no more use for our family. I was devastated to say the least. Yesterday was NOT a good day.

Helping babies is a God-given desire for my life. This one woman just destroyed my desire. I was really down. I called Patrick crying and he tried to console me as only a man can...it didn't work. Poor guy...he didn't call me the rest of the day...instant messaging was safer for him! He was very sweet about it all. I was really questioning what God's plan was for me. I had no idea how I was going to go on and what I was supposed to do. In the mail, a very sweet lady reminded me that my plans are not HIS plans. BUT, HIS plans cannot be thwarted, especially by DHS!!!

So I felt better...then a DIFFERENT worker came for her visit. (BTW...I have been extremely blessed by my workers...one bad one out of 20 is pretty good!) She pretty much told me to run. Leave DHS and do not look back. I was really surprised because she is one of those "by the book" people. She gave me the name of an organization that does respite care for bio parents. (Single moms who need a break, teen moms, etc.) I had hope again! And from the same organization that took it all away! So I am checking into that and even if it doesn't work out, God still has a plan.

I did question him quite a bit yesterday. Have you ever been reading your Bible and nothing really seems to apply, then a verse just pops out at you? This happened to me yesterday. It didn't even really belong there as far as I knew, but as I questioned if I was even supposed to keep going on with all of this baby stuff, God said, "Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the orphan. Fight for the rights of widows." Is. 1:17 This is a verse very similar to others I have received telling me to defend the orphans and do good. Do you suppose God was trying to tell me something?? And then, maybe as a confirmation, He said, "Stop putting your trust in mere humans (DHS). They are as frail as breath. How can they be of help to anyone?" Is. 2:22

So I started out my Bible study in a funk and ended with this:

"But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God. I trust in God's unfailing love forever and ever. I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will wait for your mercies in the presence of your people." Psalm 52:8-9

God does love me and He has a plan for me that cannot be thwarted. EVER!

Every night, I take a bubble bath. It's just what I do! I also pray for my husband and children throught the books "Power of a Praying Wife" and "Power of a Praying Parent". Tonight, I just THOUGHT I would be praying something applicable to Patrick and his faults (heehee) but God smacked me right upside the head! Tonight's prayer was about "purpose". Here is what I prayed for both Patrick and myself:

"Lord, I pray that Patrick (and myself) will clearly hear the call you have placed on our lives. Help us to realize who we are in Christ and give us certainty that we were created for a high purpose. May the eyes of our understanding be enlightened so that we will know what is the hope of Your calling (Ephesians 1:18). Lord, when You call us, You also enable us. Enable us to walk worthy of our calling and become the man and woman of God You made us to be. Continue to remind us of what You've called us to and don't let us get sidetracked with things that are unessential to Your purpose. Strike down discouragement so that it will not defeat us. Lift our eyes above the circumstances of the moment so we can see the purpose for which You created us. Give us patience to wait for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of our heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May we seek You for direction, and hear when You speak to our soul." AMEN!

EVERY SINGLE TIME I start to fall, He picks me right back up. The hard part for me will be having the patience to wait for His perfect timing! I am so anxious to know what He has in store for us! I am weak, but HE is strong!!!


Joan said...

I don't think you realize what a blessing you are to the rest of us as we read what God's doing in your life throughthis "pilgrimage" of life.
Through what He's showing you through His Word and tools (like Power of a Praying Wife/Parent), as been encouraging to me.
I look forward to reading what else He continues to show you.
Blessings dear friend.

Heather said...

my heart goes out to you and your family during this time. You are such a wonderful woman and someone for us all to look up too! I can only hope that I am half the mommy you are to your children!
It's amazing that through a tragic event God shows us His plan! We are only here for a while, and then we will be home forever! I can't wait to see my daddy when I get there! I totally understand where you are coming from on that point of view. I want everyone to come with me too! :) You are an inspiration to me, thank you!