Today has been an okay day. Lots of tears, but lots of smiles, too. Just as I get way down into the pit of my own pain, God points me in the direction of hope. As I mentioned yesterday, I have met a couple of "bloggers" who have opened my eyes to this grief thing. I am a pretty obedient person...love rules...so if the rule is that grief has crappy parts, then so be it. I am willing to be smack down in the middle of grief crap. BECAUSE, the promise is that once I am past the crap, only then will I see the beauty from ashes. Okay...maybe that isn't completely scriptural, but it's something like that.
I think that I am only just now coming out of the numbness of what has happened to us. I am quite sure that is the only reason I have been able to cope thus far. I really needed the permission to feel the way that I do. And now I have it and it is what it is. I am not very good at being transparent. But I will try because I desperately want healing. I found this poem on another blogger's site and felt it was totally appropriate.
Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me to heal by releasing
The tears that I try to hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I was doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine".
But healing is something ongoing
I feel it will take a lifetime.~ Elizabeth Dent
S&J's court date was today. Nothing happened. I knew it wouldn't. So now we go back on November 20. I will be attending this court date as bio dad is "REALLY" going to relinquish on this date. The story today was the reason his lawyer didn't get him to court was because he had decided to relinquish. (which means no jury trial...yet) When they finally got in touch with him (still trying to figure out why it took 6 hours...the guy is in prison) he said that yes, he was going through with it, but HIS father wants to come to court with him before he relinquishes. REALLY???? I didn't even know there was another grandfather. And I thought I knew everybody in this psycho family! (And please don't judge me...I tried to continue a relationship with these people...went above and beyond what was expected of me...when I say psycho, I am saying this from a medical standpoint. HEE HEE) He is claiming that the paternal side of the family had no idea. Again, REALLY??? Then why did I have to change my phone number last year because bio mom thought it was a good idea to give it to you all???
There are 2 ways this could go. One, gramps doesn't show, or he shows, demands a home study, and fails it...as did the ENTIRE rest of the family. Second, he shows, passes a home study, demands his grandkids and DHS allows these children to be ripped out of the only security they have ever known. I could fight the 2nd option. We could retain a lawyer, spend a ton of money, and maybe win. But I just don't have any fight left in me. I am so weary.
I told this to the worker...he and the rest of the court are not worried, but I have been in DHS long enough to know that ANYTHING can happen, whether it's right or wrong. So, I go to my bubble bath. When I am in my bubble bath, this is where I pray for my husband and children. As I was praying for my kids, these are the verses that I received...coincidence? I think not!
"He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; my God, in Him I will trust." Psalm 91:1-2
"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you." Isaiah 43:2
"No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgment you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and their righteousness is from Me, says the Lord." Isaiah 54:17
"Because you have made the Lord, who is my refuge, even the Most High, your dwelling place, no evil shall befall you, nor shall any plague come near your dwelling." Psalm 91:9-10
"I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; for You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety." Psalm 4:8
Even after reading these verses, I am still weary. I was telling God that I just don't have the strength to fight and to deal with this mess. I want to focus on the loss of Jacob, the prospect of adopting a new baby, and my family who I have neglected lately. Not 10 minutes after my cries to God, He gave me this:
"Search for the Lord and for His strength, and keep on searching." Psalm 105:4
So, I will give it to Him...it was His to begin with. He knows where S&J will prosper...I don't. I just have to trust Him.
1 week ago