Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Voice of Truth

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

You might have noticed a pattern here, but God speaks to me many time through music. I have always loved music and have been considered very "musical". I believe God gifted me musically so that He could use it to speak to me. So, this Casting Crowns song is the one I have clung to this past week.

God has also been speaking to me about choices. We all make choices. Every single event that takes place in our lives has to do with choices. You may disagree, as there are events that happen that we have absolutely no control over, for instance, Jacob's death. I did not choose for him to die, but choices were made in how we responded to that death and how we chose to live our lives after the tragedy. Every single day I choose to get up and go on with my life. I choose to allow Christ to guide me and hold me in His hand. I choose to allow joy in the sorrow. (As someone said to me this week, we allow sorrow to interrupt our joy, why don't we allow joy to interrupt our sorrow?) I choose not to hide in my room from the rest of my family. I choose not to place blame on how Jacob died. I choose to plan and hope for our future, even though it no longer includes Jacob.

AND IT'S HARD!!!! Some days, like today, I just want to give up. I want to say "forget you all, I'll be in my room"! I am tired. I want my life back. I am fed up with people. I want some peace in my life! ("the voice of truth says this is for my glory")

But what I want to do is not really Biblical and I choose to follow Christ as closely as possible. Which is why, through leaning on Him explicitly, when you come to my home, I'm not locked in the closet. (Well, normally, unless I am trying to get away from a 3 year old!) I am hoping for the future because I know without a doubt that when God allows something like losing your 2 year old baby you worked SO hard to save from the life he was born into, that God is also planning on using you in a mighty way, someday, somehow, somewhere. And somewhere, in the grief, the pain, the memories, the unexpected pictures in your head, there is excitement and anticipation about what God has in store.

With that being said, let me fill you in on a little bit of what has been going on with me this week that has God speaking to me in such a way. Her name is "E" and we were introduced to one another almost 8 weeks ago. In those 8 weeks, a very strange friendship has emerged. She is carrying our baby, Emma Claire. She has a mental illness and is a drug addict. She has choices to make every day, just like the rest of us. Right now, she is NOT choosing to live her life in such a way that is safe for her, or Emma Claire.

Today, because "E" has made some very bad choices, she checked herself into the mental health hospital. She will be there for at least a week, I am praying they will keep her longer (like until she goes into labor). I have been praying for the past week that God would protect Emma Claire and "E" and once again, He has answered my prayer, just when I couldn't figure out in my feeble mind how He could possibly protect my baby while in "E's" womb! Since "E" is pregnant, and high risk (mental illness, Type A diabetes, addict) she has been assigned to a high risk doctor and I was told they would be monitoring the baby closely. Hallelujah! She is also just around the corner from the maternity ward in case she should go into labor. I love "E" when she is just a mental patient...I do NOT love "E" when the drugs are involved. I will also receive a little break as "E" can only use the phone and have visitors certain times of the day, so I will not have to "rescue" her for the next week.

Please pray...she is a Christian. She KNOWS what she is doing is wrong. Please pray that she would choose to give her life back over to Christ. HE is her only hope, just as he is OUR only hope.

We are due in 4 1/2 weeks. I came home today after sitting with "E" for about 3 hours and was weary. The thoughts were going through my head, "Why can't this be easier, God??" "Let's just be done with it!" And then I realized, that once again, this is not about me. This is for HIS glory, and HIS alone. It's not about what a good person I am for taking in these drug babies. It's about my willingness and obedience to do the hard things that are going to lead more people to Him in the end. So, my 3 hours "wasted" today was a small sacrifice for the giant things that could end up glorifying Him.

But the Voice of truth tells me a different story
the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth.

5 comments:

4littleindians said...

i love this song and have shared it with many friends when they too were struggling. Thanks for your willingness to share your story.

Nan said...

Tracy, you put what I feel into words so very well...thank you for sharing!!

Mama Bigs said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! Its a blessing! We will certainly be praying for your sweet baby girl and "E"! God Bless!!!

Kristy said...

sometimes I miss your post for a few days cuz I wait and wait and no new post and then bam a really good one at it had been posted awhile. Wow what an ordeal with momma E I'm sure your goin to bed at night going what next God I'm ready bring it on.. Lunch was great so glad we met!

joan said...

thanks for sharing Truth and what He's teaching you about His Glory

love and prayers, joan