2 weeks ago
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Emma Claire...the sequel
That's what this feels like. When I look back, I feel like when we left the hospital in August WITHOUT Emma in her little carrier with the carseat cover I made for her (you know the one with the matching diaper bag, burp rag, and going home outfit that all matched because I am anal like that???) it was the end of a movie. One of those movies that kind of leaves itself open to a sequel. Of course, I had no idea if/what/when/how/where/why this sequel would be written. And now we are living out the sequel.
I told "R" (Emma's cousin who has her) last night that it feels like she is the one giving Emma up and I am adopting from her. I keep getting these thoughts and feelings like I had when I was waiting for "E" to give birth to Emma. Although, I do have to say that "R" is MUCH less stressful than "E" because she is NOT a crazy drug addict! And as my mom said, for some reason, Emma and probably "R", too, needed these past 6 months together. If we had taken Emma home in August, it is extremely likely that she would have never known her family, her history, her past. "R" is here to make sure that doesn't happen and for that I am extremely greatful. I will have to tell you more about "R" one day, if she approves, as I think you will love her the way we are starting to.
At this point, for all intents and purposes, Emma is HER baby. (Minus the DHS involvement!) She is making an extremely difficult decision to do what she feels God is telling her to do. Give Emma to us. Please keep her and her fiance in your prayers as this new story unfolds. (AND she is going to teach me how to fix Emma's hair! WOOHOO!!) I will share more of the details of little things like how she just could never make herself erase my phone number. ("E" had called me one time from her phone.) It's one of those little details that God orchestrates that we would miss if we aren't looking for His hand in our everyday lives.
I read this quote in the Bible study I am teaching at our church: "If I knew everything God knew, and had His heart, I would allow what God allows." Wow. That means even the really bad stuff. The terrible things that happen, like when your two year old gets caught between the dresser and the bed and dies in your home.
So, even though I know that God is in control, my flesh continues to question and worry. I know, someone should put me in time out! "R" and I only know each other through email and phone conversations. She only has my word telling her we are going to take care of and love Emma. I only have her word that she is going to let us do that. But, I also have the promises and the fleeces that I sent out and God answered!
Last night as I was doing my Bible study, I was really enjoying it and God was showing me many things. But it hit me, "God, you haven't said anything to me about Emma and what is going on with her." As I am flipping through Hebrews, looking up a verse that had NOTHING to do with Emma, there is a verse on a page that literally jumped out at me. Yes, like in the movies when the print jumps off the page...like that!! And here is what God said to me:
The Certainty of God's Promise
"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying 'I will surely bless you and give you many descendents." And, so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised." Hebrews 6:13-15
God promised Emma. Last night, I was talking to my mom about all that has happened. If Emma had come home with us from the hospital, like I had planned, then God's promise to me would have been fulfilled. He would have received all the glory, all the praise, it still would have been His answer to my prayers. But as I told my mom last night, God is a showoff. And please don't get me wrong. I mean absolutely NO disrespect by what I just said. But as I think about it and all that has happened in my heart since we lost Emma, isn't it just so GOD to present us with the unimaginable?? Bringing Emma home from the hospital wasn't really a big deal. People adopt and bring their babies home all the time. But to get her after 6-7 months? THAT is GOD!!!
I leave you with a verse God has given me from the beginning of His promise of a baby to me...
"Look at the nations and watch, be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days, that you would not believe, even if you were told." Habakuk 1:5