Friday, February 19, 2010

Letting it all hang out....

If you come to my blog to be encouraged, well, this may not be the day for it. If you are a serious type reader, you can stop reading RIGHT NOW. Today's post will be neither encouraging, nor will it be serious. As a matter of fact, for some people, it could be plain offensive!

Although in reality there is really NOTHING funny about what I am going to share, if we don't laugh at ourselves sometimes, then we end up a heaping mess crying in the corner of the closet, hoping we don't find mouse poop sitting there with us!

This brings me to the topic of the day....SPANKS. (http://www.barenecessities.com/SPANX-Higher-Power-High-Waisted-Power-Panties_product_Spanx032_,search,.htm)

For those of you who don't know me in real life, I have spent 35 out of the last 37 years of my life trying to either gain weight, or keep weight on. I had a weight problem, but it was one that most people envy...it was a problem, none the less. As I have always said, if your clothes don't fit, it's a pain in the rear, whether you are big or small!

Take heart! I no longer have this problem. Stop the applause...that's just rude! It all started about the second year we were doing foster care. I had been warned that one of the symptoms of being a foster parent (other than collecting babies) was weight gain. Whatever. I had never been able to gain weight before, so I wasn't worried about it. (Seriously...when my 4th child was born, I tried to KEEP all of my baby weight!) SICK...I know...and I'm sorry.

So I gained about 10 pounds...in about 2 months. Fine. That was good. Now I could shop in the normal stores. BUT...since Jacob died, I have increased my weight by about, ummmm, well, A LOT!!! And unfortunately, that weight gain, combined with my terrible skin tone (a gift from my mother) has caused quite the jello belly.

(Side note...the skin tone thing...evidently this is a curse from my mother's side of the family. Not only are we stark white in color...I don't tan...I bleach...but we have dimple skin, no matter what our weight. I once weighed 107 lbs and had cellulite that should have been on an 80 year old woman's body! I wish I were exaggerating here.)

So, as I sit with my homeschool mom friends one Wednesday morning, the subject of jello belly/muffin tops came up. See, I hang with a group of gals who have all had at least 3 children. It's where I feel most comfortable. :) They also battle this fierce jello problem. Evidently, they had a secret I wasn't aware of. SPANKS. So they explained the idea, explicitly. I was told where to buy them, how to wear them, etc so that I would no longer have to deal with the jello belly that had become my nemesis when trying to put on a pair of jeans!

I did it. I faced the jello beast that had become my belly and I bought the "extra firm control" pair of fake Spanks. (I was told they were just as good.) I couldn't WAIT to get home. As I was driving home, eating my bag of M&M's and drinking my Pepsi, I had glorious pictures of a once flat tummy returning to me. I almost couldn't eat the whole bag of M&M's! (But I did.)

I got home, snuck my fake Spanks into the bathroom so I could take them for a spin! But wait. Where are those instructions??? Yes, I put them on correctly. But this is not the look I was going for!

Instead of my fake Spanks flattening my oh so jello belly, the muffin roll moved. Yes, my tummy was indeed flat, my jeans were loose even, but now I had this roll sitting right under my, err, breasts. WHAT????? Now I needed TWO bras!

My belly looked fabulous, but that extra bulge in the sweater?? Not so much. And then I tried to sit down. I truly believe that the fat roll was cutting off my oxygen supply. I almost couldn't get out of those fake Spanks before I passed out from lack of air! I looked again at the instructions...there was no warning label. There should always be warning labels on dangerous products...like fake Spanks.

So, I have decided to embrace the jello belly that is mine. I am a 37 year old mother of 7. I worked hard for this jello belly. My husband loves me anyway, so I guess I should work on the inside and not worry so much about the outside.

Besides...as my friend reminded me last night...everybody loves jello!

7 comments:

Bonnie said...

Now just a darn minute, Trace! I must take issue with that statement.....you know, the one that just assumes .....as you put it: cellulite that SHOULD be on a woman of 80 yrs.!!!! NOOOO, it SHOULDN'T. Oh yeah, IT IS, but no, it shouldn't be. And believe me it is no more welcome here at 80 than it was when I was you age.
But....the battle goes on!!! Maybe by the time you are 80 tho, Spanks WILL have the answer. :-)


I LOVE your blog. You're hilarious. And I LOVE the music.

A Skin Bag for Jesus! said...

Oh honey, I'm rolling! Don't you wish we could scrap a little here and a little there with something like a potato scraper and sculpt (did I spell that wrong???) it to our liking?!!! Seriously though, it'd be so nice! I so wish we could! And while we're at it. I need an iron!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps a steam one would do? One that would either iron the wrinkles out. Or one that would poof a bit of steam into it in order to puff the skin back to its original plumpness so the wrinkles wouldn't be able to overtake the slacked skin. Ugh! And as for dimples in places that aren't as cute as those on the cheeks? Facial cheeks, that is. Let's not speak of it! We'd need to scrap those off too. Argh... aging is mean in its fury to humble. And honestly, it's working. ;(

Loved your humor! I've been too afraid to try spanks for the very reason you found you didn't like them! A pushed up roll is still a roll.... and probably one that looks weirder!

Amen, too, to what Ms. Bonnie said!!!! I don't think that I'll like it any better at 80 than I do now at the age I am!!!!

Sara said...

Ok Tracy, that totally made my day and brought a much needed laugh to my soul:) You are hilarious. I always wondered if the SPANX worked... now I know the fake ones don't, are the real ones any better? :) As a fellow mom to many, I can so relate after 5 pregnancies oh my... my body isn't what it used to be... thank the Lord for husbands that love us for who we are... not what we look like in the dark:) Still looking forward to meeting sometime... Blessings on your weekend.
Sara

Kristy said...

Funny
I was just thinking the same thing about my jello stomach time to get in shape for me Cruise in June! Wish we lived closer we could hit the gym together!!

Anonymous said...

LOL Praise the Lord for men who see us with rose colored glasses. I look at my rear that sticks out a mile and want to cut it off. Taite looks at my rear and begs me not to lose it. LOL So glad you have been able to put some weight on. I always envied the fact that you never gained weight but I later learned that women just aren't happy with the way they look no matter the size and everyone has body issues. Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

Sherry Randolph

A Skin Bag for Jesus! said...

Wow Tracy... I guess I didn't realize that Friday was YOUR Friday... and that it's The Friday that you are praying so fervently for in HOPES for your girl, Emma! Thanks for stopping by and posting a comment on my page... it's reminded me of the date and an more aggresive want-to to pray. I'm excited for you. I know the anticipation has to be massively painful, for there's always a LOT of pain in the wait of anything, especially a thing so tremendously life-longingly big! I can't wait to see what happens. My faith is fastened ferociously on my hope in our Lord!

Ps 68:5-6 (MSG), "Father of orphans, champion of widows, is God in His holy house. God makes homes for the homeless,..."

Chrysinda said...

Love it, Love it! Love it! Thanks for posting this, Tracy!