Friday, October 24, 2008

It’s been awhile. I am still trying to fight off this coughing/hacking whatever it is that has invaded my body. Should I have gone to the dr? Probably. Will I? Probably not. I am much too tired and sick to go. There…that is my logic. You cannot change my logic. Just shake your head and try to go on. (heehee)

This week, I found out that when my name is pulled up by anyone in DHS, it shows an open investigation/allegation into the death of a child. Basically, I am a child killer in the eyes of DHS. Doesn’t really matter what they have said to “comfort” me. “It’s just paperwork…we know it was an accident.” Whatever. No wonder I can’t get a return phone call or email from anyone. That explains A LOT! So, I called the medical examiner. I will be getting this cleared up myself. They said they are working on closing Jacob’s file, will probably be done next week, so call back then. It’s on my calendar. I did ask if it showed a cause of death, and she said not yet, but that from what she was reading, there was absolutely nothing negative on the report. WHEW! Not that I didn’t already know that, but the confirmation is nice. So, hopefully we will have this wrapped up in a few weeks. I will be hand carrying DHS their copies. LOTS of people will be getting a copy! Just pray I can play nice until S&J are final. I am praying for a miracle in their case, also. Jacob’s adoption took 10 months…I don’t think I have enough left in me to deal with DHS for that much longer. “S” will be five in March. I am praying we are finished by her birthday.

So, regardless of how that last paragraph turned out, I felt better having talked to the ME and now I can keep on top of that on a weekly basis. I know it isn’t their fault…they have LOTS of these cases to do. What I still do not understand is why if the police, who have been trained in these sorts of things, did their investigation and found nothing wrong, then why does DHS deem they are all powerful and MUST do their own investigation 3 days later?? I feel a letter coming on! BUT…it will have to wait until I am out from under their little finger.

My therapist was at my house yesterday. (She is actually S&J’s, but I have taken her over.) I am not really into the therapy thing, but looking back, Jenny and I both know that God brought us together for so much more than therapy! Anyway, I told her that I had been having a really good couple of weeks. I haven’t been sad, weepy, nothing. I can talk about Jacob, still don’t really like looking at his pictures, but other than that, I have been so happy. So, I asked Jenny what was wrong with me??? Why am I okay? I don’t feel that I am on the verge of a break down. Jenny said but for the grace of God and all those people lifting our family up in prayer. So, today, in my Bible, God basically backed Jenny up and gave me this:

“Unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have died. I cried out “I’m slipping!” and your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.” Psalm 94:17-19

And there you go. I do occasionally have this panic feeling that rises from my stomach and as soon as I feel it, I immediately pray “God, if I need to be sad about Jacob, okay, but if this is not of you, remove it from me.” And every single time, the feeling is gone immediately. Stupid devil.

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