Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Call to me and I will answer you...

“This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” (Jeremiah 33:2-3)

I have called out to Him and He has answered. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, His answer is "no".

We will not be adopting Emma Claire. It's done. I am done.

"E" showed up at the DHS office, with a family member (whom I didn't know existed after spending the majority of my time with "E" for the last 12 weeks) and said she would NOT relinquish her rights to us, she did not want me to have her baby. Now...before I get anymore "anonymous" comments about what I should or shouldn't say regarding "E", all I have ever done is try to help her. It hasn't even been about the baby most of the time, it has all been about "E". If you are trying to be a friend to me and are worried about my well being, please sign your name.

I have not ONE regret as to how "E" was treated by me. God is my judge, and while I am sure I didn't do everything right with "E", I did my very best to care for her. My only regret at this point is the time she took away from my family. I will not allow that to happen again. My children are just now getting their "mom" back since Jacob died. We cannot put them through this rollercoaster any longer.

As far as pursuing further adoptions, I really can't say. Today, at this time, I would say "no", but I am exhausted. I do know, however, that I will not be working for one. God will have to lay it in our laps. And who knows, my promise was that when we got "Emma Claire", we would be done. We had her...so maybe we are done.

How is Tracy doing? I am at perfect peace. I can't tell you what a relief it has been to know it's over. I am disappointed, of course, but I know God isn't finished with me. I have a new ministry in the wings that I am excited about, I get to spend time with my kids without interuption (oh how I have missed that!), I don't have to worry about all the phone calls, worrying if "E" is going to show up for her appointments, worrying if she is safe, and DHS is still out of our home! I will have time for my husband, who has been so supportive and helpful in all of this.

It's kind of strange, but there is also a bit of excitement. I believe the not knowing is the hardest part. And now we know.

Please pray for my kids...they have been through more than they deserve. They have planned for Emma as much as we have. I feel like this whole process has been so much about ME, that I have ignored their needs some. I am finished! I am the mom!!

And due to recent events...our school year will start SOONER than planned...sshhh...don't tell my kids yet...remember...they've been through a lot! :)

It has taken me awhile to write this post due to interuptions, but since I started, I am even MORE at peace. We have already started making some plans as a family and I am excited!

Do I feel like I wasted my time with "E"? Well, yes, as I have nothing to show for it, but I am sure if I could see the BIG picture, God would show me that kindness is never wasted. "E" was brought into our lives so we could be Jesus to her. That has happened and cannot be changed. A couple of weeks ago, when "E" was at the mental hospital, one of the nurses was laughing at her because she calls me "mama". The nurse told her I couldn't be her "mama" because I sounded too young on the phone. (We are the same age.) We were laughing about that and I said, "E, why DO you call me mama?" She got a little embarassed looking and said, "It's because you treat me just like I'm one of your own and nobody has ever treated me that way before." She knows. I believe Satan has her mind right now, but ultimately, "E" knows I loved her and tried to do what was best for her.

"In my distress, I cried unto the Lord, and He heard me." Psalm 120:1

"Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act." Psalm ??

"Don't be impatient for the Lord to act! Travel steadily along His path. He will honor you, giving you the land." Psalm 37:34

"As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord is thinking about me right now." Psalm 40:17

I found these verses in a notebook I grabbed to write down a number this morning. I had written them down 2 years ago. God can use just about ANYTHING to speak to us!

11 comments:

Daughter to a King said...

Tray I love you so much! If you never get to see the results here on earth I'm sure God will amaze, astound and awe strike you with the behind the scenes of all this in heaven. You are an amazing and inspiring person. Phillipians 3:14 "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." KJV or "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God hass called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." NIV.

Just keep your chin up and keep going tward the goal of becoming more and more like Christ everyday. You are doing a great job and are a great example. Blessings sister!

~Amy

Tara said...

Oh Tracy. I am so sorry for this news. I am happy to hear that you have peace about it though.
I will continue to pray for your family as this is yet another chapter you guys are faced with.
You are an amazing mother to some AWESOME kiddos. Your family never ceases to amaze me.
God bless you, friend. Sending lots of hugs your way!

Al's World said...

I don't know what to say. You are an awesome mommy, friend and so dedicated our God that it makes my jaw drop! I am glad that you have peace, I just pray for continued peace, peace for your husband, and peace for your children. I also pray for peace for E, for her physical, spritual and mental well being, she is God's child and deserves it as well. I pray for Emma that angels continue to surround her, be with her and guide her in all she does. Love you, thank you for sharing, and know prayers are being sent your way!

Kristy said...

Oh Tracy, I love you as a sister in Christ and my heart hurts for all you have been through. Nothing you have done will go unoticed by our father because he knows where your heart is. Your journey has been long and hard and I will continue to pray for you and your family and when your ready love to do lunch again!

Cathy said...

You may just think you're done. However, you never know what God holds in E's heart down the road. Just when you're settled again, He may shake you. E will realize how hard this mommy thing is. She could call you any day and God will equip you because He has called you. I so admire you for following Him. And maybe, He just wants you to "rest in Him" more for a while. Enjoy His answer. It's what's best for you for now.

Cathy said...

I hope my comment is taken as it was meant. You seem truly amazing for all you've done for MANY children. I believe God is doing something for YOU for now. You never know what tomorrow may hold.

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for you. I hope the Lord continues to speak to you through his Word and people who are close to you...
Praying for you...

joan said...

wow! what a testimony you are (and have been) this "past" yr. (Aug-Aug)....you've shared your heart w/the rest of us, as we "stand-by" and pray for you and your family....God's given you peace in the midst of the storm and may you continue to rest in Him. Enjoy being "mom" again to your kids

love and prayers,

The Thomas' said...

Oh, Tracy, this was not what I expected to read when I just logged on! I have prayed for you, for "E", for Emma, your family, just everyone involved, and I know the disappointment and sadness I feel, so I cannot fathom yours. Your post is amazing -- you are living in the middle of the drama, we are the observers, and I don't know about anyone else, but I feel great encouragement after reading about all that the Lord is laying on your heart and teaching you. Thank you for sharing your heart here on Blogger! You remain in my prayers and on my heart -- Kristine Thomas

Sherry said...

Tracy,

I am so sorry you did not get to bring Emma home, I will continue to hold her, "E" and your family in prayer.

As for the time and kindness that you showed to "E", care that we give to others is never wasted even when we don't see the "big" picture.

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.' Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?' The King will reply, ' I tell you the truth whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.' Matthew 25:35-40


Sherry

Dana~Are We There Yet? said...

Wow.

Just, wow.

Thank you for your transparency through this season, and for yielding yourself to His purpose, however many twists and turns that entails. I am blessed to call you my friend, and I thank you for allowing me to have a part of Emma's short time with you.

With love,

D