And when it did, I found myself curled up in the little's room, on the floor, in front of the dresser, where Jacob died. I have one more week to go until he has been gone for an entire year. I didn't just cry, I wailed. I am not even sure I have ever cried like that before. I suppose it needed to be done, and I am quite sure I have been avoiding it like the plague. There was some screaming, too, and my sweet husband, who probably wasn't quite sure what to do with me as I wigged out, just sat there and cried with me, as I was reminded I wasn't the only one who had lost our baby.
I want little two year old chocolate arms to hug my neck so tightly, the way Jacob did. I want to hear the sound of his little voice. Did you know that I can't remember what he sounded like? I happened to find the video of pictures I had made to play during his adoption party...you know...the one we were preparing for the day he died?? I hit play to see if I could watch and had forgotten that I recorded his little voice saying his name on the video. It wasn't the same voice that I had remembered. I have to really try hard to remember his laugh...and it was a hilarious, chipmunk like laugh. How could I forget that? Sometimes I have a hard time picturing him in my head.
I WANT MY BABY BACK!!! I want my LIFE back. I want to stop crying. I want to go a day without being reminded of what I have lost. I want to be satisfied with what I have. I want to sleep through the night. I want to have energy during the day. I want to enjoy my kids. I want to be a good wife. I want to stop having to drive past the @#$% cemetery every stinking day. I want to be able to walk past little chocolate kids without feeling that knot in my stomach. I want to be a good friend...the kind that you all have been to me. I WANT OUT OF THIS!!!!! I AM DONE!
And then I am reminded...that none of this is any surprise to God. I know this in my heart of hearts. Patrick knows it, too. And I know everything is for my good. I also know that without suffering, there can be no mercy.
And mom...I will be fine...please don't call me because I don't really want to talk about it. I am going to bed early and will fine tomorrow.
2 weeks ago