Wednesday, August 5, 2009

The day after...

I am still okay. God has intevened in a mighty way here in my life the past few days, a way that I am having trouble comprehending. I keep waiting for this tragic turn of events to hit me in a way that would leave me unable to function. I just don't think that is going to happen. Today, I woke up without trembling. I am able to eat. I am able to think about the future and am excited about the planning that will involve. (For those of you who only know me as the mom who lost her 2 year old, I used to be quite the organized planner type person...enough to make you sick!!) My kids are still color coded, but that's for another blog.

As I look back on the past week, I can see now that God protected me from attaching to that baby. Sure, I held her, fed her, changed her, loved on her, comforted her, but today, I am not mourning that loss. I don't even miss her. What's wrong with me? Maybe because I knew she was never mine? I suppose I had been looking forward to the IDEA of Emma for so long, the IDEA is what was lost. I have absolutely no attachment to that baby. I am sad that Emma will be forced into the foster care system, just a number, but God is ultimately in control of her life. I did not conceive a baby that was born addicted to cocaine and marijuana. Just like my other kiddos...I did not give Jacob his Sensory issues, Josiah RAD nor did I give Samara attachment issues. Fortunately, God has used me in their lives and I am thankful for that, but a lifetime with this little baby was not the plan. God used us for whatever purpose He had for us and that purpose has been fulfilled.

I have had many people say they think DHS will call us for this baby...I don't think so. I also do not believe, unless God were to change my heart, that I could take her even if we were called. She is a DHS baby now. I am out of DHS with no regrets! My focus is on my family that is here, living in my house daily. I don't know what God has in store for us, well, I know SOME things, but they do not involve a new baby. And still, I am at peace. TOTAL peace with how this turned out. And here is what God promised me today in my Bible reading:

"Yet I am confident that I will see the Lord's goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the Lord. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord." Psalm 27:13-14

And then right after:

"Don't say 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord to handle the matter. The Lord despises double standards; He is not pleased by dishonest scales." Proverbs 20:22-23

Lest you think God has forgotten me.

About 8-9 years ago, I was in a Bible study. I don't remember the details, but I do remember popping off in class, saying "I am totally fine being a mediocre Christian, if it means I don't have to go through any heartache." It must have been a Beth Moore study, but I was thinking along the lines of Anne Graham Lotz, and some other very spiritual people that I looked up to. Each one of them had gone through some sort of tragedy in their lives. I didn't want that and if that's what had to happen to become "spiritual", then I would pass.

Ummmm...yeah. Well, God obviously had different plans for this "mediocre" Christian! The journey has been very painful, but I am reaping what has been sown. There is a song by Point of Grace called "Heal the Wound" that I hope to sing one day as I give my testimony...somewhere...because as painful as this journey is, God has shown Himself to me in a mighty way, in a way that I know whatever comes my way, God is good, all the time. God does EVERYTHING...not just some things, but EVERYTHING for OUR own good. Knowing that makes the process a little easier.

Heal the Wound:

I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then
I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar


OtwellFamilyAdventures said...

It is very humbling to read your updates. While we dont understand the why's and no's, we still know that ultimately, the Lord is in control. And you show this with your words. Your family is very blessed and the Lord will continue to bless you in many ways.
Thank you for sharing your journey!

Kristy said...

Her fpr you if you need it prayers and Love....

Al's World said...

You are an amazing person and God is working in your life in mighty ways...I will continue to pray for peace and strength...thank you for shining your light so strong in what could be a very dark time!

Kellie said...

I admire your strength.

Leagh said...

Tracy, I wish I were there to just hug you. YOU are a mighty, loving, strong, God loving/fearing woman. I admire you and your dedication to all children. As well as how you have been able to spread GOD's working in your life to us all. You are truly a gift. Your words bring me comfort in this cold unforgiving world, and hope when things are so dark and lonely.

Nan said...

Oh Tracy, I am so sorry!! I have been out of town all week and just got caught up on YOUR week. My heart breaks for you and your family. You have been through so very much in the past year. But I am so encouraged by your honesty and your willingness to be so transparent. You are dearly loved by your friends and heavenly Father!! God has allowed your journey to be a growing time to me and I am humbled by your awesome faith and JOY in God.

Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, they things which God has prepared for those who love him (I Cor 2:9)

I came across a verse that says that God's ways are not our ways. This is something I am learning and your journey has been a teaching time for me...I have a tendency to want things to work MY way...but I am learning that God's way is to be my way.

You and your family are in my prayers.

PS I know the time you spent with E was not in vain. You planted all sorts of seeds in her life...and although it took you away from your family...your children saw you ministering to woman who desperately needed to feel that she mattered!!

The Shingletons said...

Praying for you. You inspire us all to live beyond mediocre! Not because it's easy, but because we are called to be different. I'm learning that when we focus on Him and not our circumstances, we can get through anything and HE will be glorified! You are an example to us all! Love you!

peainourpodplease said...

Thank you so much for commenting on my post. I cannot even imagine what you have been through in the last few weeks; I know that it has probably been unbearable. I cannot say that I have experienced this (yet), but I know that it may come. I only hope that I can remember why I am needed in that situation. By writing it down, I only hoped to be able to read back upon it and help myself, but I am thankful that it gave you even a glimmer of reasoning. Bless you, and I am praying for you and your family.