Sunday, August 23, 2009

One year ago today...

I have thought a lot about what I wanted this days entry to say. Some days it was going to be a very strong post about how God has pulled us through this tragedy. Some days it was going to be a very weepy post with me feeling very sorry for myself. Some days, it was going to be filled with pictures of Jacob...and I mean pictures until you puke! LOTS of them! But now that the time has actually come, I really don't know what to post. Maybe the truth would be the best way to go with this today.

A year ago today, as we were preparing for a day of celebration, Jacob Levi Phillips, was climbing on his dresser. It fell and caught him between the dresser and the end of the bed. He breathed his last sweet Jacob breath before falling into the arms of our Savior.

Two days before Jacob died, this is what I underlined in my Bible:

"The Lord gave me everything I had, and the Lord had taken it away. Praise the name of the Lord!" Job 1:21

A year ago today, although I knew that God would see me through the worst day of my life, I wasn't sure exactly HOW He was going to do that. I remember being afraid of how I would view my Savior. Would I be angry? Would I blame Him? Would I be able to breathe again? Will I be able to sing praises? Will I be able to tell others about Him? Will I ever stop crying? Will I ever be joyful again? So many questions.

As I was reminded this week by a dear friend, Jacob's life was never meant to be any longer than it was. As his mommy, I had great plans for his life. As his maker, God's plans for his life were completely fulfilled. As his mommy, I wanted to watch him grow up. I wanted to listen to him learn to talk. I wanted to watch him learn to ride a bike. And read. And give me chocolate grand babies. I wanted to hear him pray the sinner's prayer asking Jesus into his sweet little heart. I wanted to watch him on stage singing with the children's choir. How CUTE that would have been. How he will be missed.

But God has been faithful. He is a good God. He holds me in the palm of His hand each and every day, gently guiding me through my own personal hell.

I want to take time in this post to sincerely thank all of my friends whether in real life, or in the blog world, who have lifted us up and interceded on our behalf. I know that this day...the year anniversary of our baby's death...could not have come and gone in such a sweet way without your prayers. I will forever be grateful and have asked my God to bless each and every one of you.

I know that our recovery will not be complete until we are in the arms of Jesus ourselves, but in the meantime, we will allow the grace of our Jesus to cover us. There will always be a hole in my heart where my baby belongs, but I am extremely grateful that God allowed that baby into our home for the time he was here.

We love you, Jacob Levi, and we will not forget you!

I would love to hear your thoughts...if you knew Jacob, a memory would be nice, or a thought you have had since reading my blog. I would really like to end this year with a time of reflection and remembering. I appreciate you all! (Even if you have never posted...this is your time!!)


Kristy said...

Yeah I'm the first to post. I can't explain in words how your blog has been so inspiring to me by listening to yourwords offaith throughout everything you always turn to God and post amazing bible verses I have said before I feel like I can use your post as devotionals! I came to reading your blog from Jacobs story from a friend who told me about your families tradedgy. It touched my heart for many reasons, A our stories were so similiar with our babies Jacob and Aaron and we finalized just days apart, B your Faith in God C Jacobs birthday on my birthday D God speaking to me that your newest baby will come. You are an amazing woman and God is using you in Great ways I'm so happy to have met you and to beable to share a friendship! God Bless

patty said...

I so agree with Kristy that your blog has been an inspiration. Many days your Bible quotations have been just what I needed to hear. Although we only knew Jacob for a little while, we (Herb and I) enjoyed his smile. We enjoyed watching him grow through the pictures you posted. He was blessed by having you and your family on Earth and now is blessed by being with God. Tracy thank you for sharing your faith and your family through your blog.

Sara said...

What a sweet little smile he has. Just think of how he is smiling in the presence of our Lord everyday. I have always been amazed by your persistant faith through it all. Wow, it is inspiring. I love your honest heart about sharing the difficult, very real feelings. I wish I could have known your sweet Jacob here on earth... but it will so great to spend eternity praising our Savior together... Awesome. Praying for you today!

Kellye said...

Okay, you finally got me to post. I love your blog, the way you speak your heart and the verses you share. You've had me in tears at times and lifted my spirits too. I'm so glad to hear you had some peace today. I will never forget Jacob and that beautiful smile. He was always a joy to be around, and had such a sweet personality. Of course my fondest memory was watching he and E roll around in the mud at your house. While all the other kids thought that was gross, they were totally enjoying themselves. My two favorite pictures of him are the one of him eating that big piece of watermelon, and the one where he's standing on the dishwasher door helping do the dishes. I love looking at both and do so often.

Thank you Tracy for sharing your heart!

Love, Kellye

arimel75 said...

My first memory of Jacob was a homeschool MNO I went to, I did not know you very well yet and you hadn't had Jacob very long. He was so tiny and you let me hold him and I think I hogged him all evening. I remember telling Steve how sweet he was and he smelled so good. One of the last times I saw Jacob he was playing with Waylon in the nursery at a homeschool meeting. He was so sweet and adorable. You are such a wonderful example to everyone who knows you. I hope you have a peaceful week full happy memories of your beautiful Jacob.

Love you,


Rebecca said...

My sweetest memories of Jacob:
The kids caling him "Chocolate Jacob" and MY Jacob "Vanilla Jacob".
Plus, a a get together at you house in the summer '08 that was for our neighborhood. Vince and I were sitting in our lawn chairs and Jacob came over to me and looked at the big piece of ice cream dessert I had on my plate. He just stood there and stared at it, then he stared at ME! So I gave him a few bites with my spoon and Vince and I just sat there very tickled at him and how his teeny little mouth was completely enjoying my ice cream. He was a sweet child....very easy to love.
We will never, never forget him, Tracy.

Love, Rebecca

Al's World said...

What a beautiful post to a precious little boy who touched your life for far to little of a time. My friends are where you are...knowing what they wanted for their child, but knowing that God's plan had been completed. I loved what you said about complete I hope and pray that this year you are able to live in the midst of God's love and grace. I admire and am amazed by you, and pray for you often.

Dana~Are We There Yet? said...

All of my memories of Jacob are sweet...but the one that sticks out was when we were having dinner at your house just a short time before he died. I brought cake and ice cream for dessert, and all the older kids had eaten theirs on the back porch. When I went out to pick up bowls and spoons, Jacob was systematically making his way around the table, finishing off the big kids' leftovers, with the biggest smile on his adorable face!

Lindsey said...

So you have no idea who I am, but I have follwed you through the Roady's blog, and I feel like I know you...I wasn't going to post, just pray but when it said "(Even if you have never posted...this is your time!!)" I felt lead to do so. I have no right words to make you feel better however know that you and your family are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I have no idea how you have overcome so much in your life to have such an amazing heart, to be an outstanding mom and to stand here so strong. I know you don't feel strong, and I know you hurt but God feels your pain and he is walking step by step with you. GOD is Great!!! When going though a storm, remember it's not your storm, GOD'S already taken care of it for you on the cross. You just have to believe and give it to HIM! I love your blog, and your scriptures are so uplifiting at times when I really need something deep. I wish you all of the hope and faith in the world. I pray you can overcome some of pain and to move on in life just that much more.

Praying ~ Lindsey

The Mommy said...

I have so many memories of Jacob but I think my favorite one is when we were at Jump Zone and he and Kenlie were standing by the inflatables hugging. They weren't even 2 yet and when I went to take a picture he ran off and she started chasing him to hug him again. I'm so glad I was finally able to get them to do it again so I could get a picture.

Anonymous said...

Tracy, your journey has been an inspiration to us. You are tender and beloved in the sight of God. Even though God allowed you to have Jacob such a short time, you were such a sweet mama to him. You were a blessing to Jacob in so many ways...I don't know if you know this song but I heard it at my nephew's funeral....Jesus has a Rocking Chair

JESUS has a rocking chair and HE holds that precious baby with oh such tender care
HE takes the place of Mom and Dad, HE's the greatest parent a child could have
Don't worry about the children there,JESUS has a rocking chair

Verse 2
There are those who have a boy or girl a lovely gift of GOD,
But sickness or a tragedy takes them from their parents arms,
Mommas wish for days gone by,daddys long for that lost child
But children are not lost when you know where they are

Much love and prayers
(i didn't realize I was under Michael's name!!)

Anonymous said...

The road of a grieving parent is long, bumpy,and crooked. You think you might be on a straight road for a few days, and then something will make you go crooked again - a smell, a color, a sound.You think the road is smooth and someone will say something that makes the bumps begin again.Eventually, the road may smooth and straighten a bit, but it is long.I do not know how people who do not believe in our Saviour weather the loss of a child. HE is all I have to hold onto, and our baby daughter died 34 years ago. I know she is safe with Him, and that is my comfort. Please accept my deepest sympathy on the loss of your son. I know your faith in God will sustain you on those days when things are dark and dreary, and you want that little chocolate hand in yours again, but can't have it here on Earth.
Blessings, Sarita

LesleyReid said...

Every now and then after Jacob went to be with the Lord, he was talked about and we did not even get the chance to know him, our hearts were so saddened by your families tragedy. Reading your blog and listening to your heart has strengthened myself to appreciate every day I get with my young ones! Tracy I know you probably do not want the praise (To God Be The GLory) but, I am so proud of your strength and courage and how you have truly KEPT GOING.
Our family thinks about you all often. Much Love, The Reid Family.